*sigh*

I know my problems probably don't compare to most of the people who post here. but i have absolutely no one to talk to atm.

The last 4 years of my life have just completely messed me up mentally and physically.

I lost my dad at the start of my junior year to a pulminary embelis at home. Watching my dad stop breathing wrecked me. Then after that everything just kept spiralling. I lost my virginity later that school year (i don't even know why, i was really adament about waiting till marriage) which led to another series of problems i.e. the girl faking a pregnancy on me (gaining weight and wearing sweats to school, the whole 9 yards). a year later she finally told me that she had gotten her period 2 weeks late and was afraid to tell me after she had said she was pregnant. i understand that its somthing that happens when you are sexually active. but my mom is an OBGYN and my dad was the parent i confided in so i wasn't left with anyone to go to (in my mind). My junior year i was lucky if i slept an hour a night. I'd lay down and try to sleep and my mind would just race for hours and hours and then it'd be time to go to school. Turns out i was lucky enough to pick a sociopath to share my first experience with as it really didn't stop w/ the preg. thing, then it turned into 'u need to go get checked' etc etc

i know this a lot of explanation for a few things but bare with me its pretty much what messed up everything else.

Coming into this whole thing i was a 4.0 student who excelled musically on several instruments. I managed to hold my 4.0 junior year, but things started slipping hard as i turned to downers to get away from everything. Even though i almost dropped the ball my senior year i ended up a National Merit Finalist which landed me a full ride for college. which i then blew like an fool when i got really depressed at school adn started sleeping through classes and becoming a recluse. I then proceeded to repeat teh process at another school which now means i cant get gov loans for school, which doesn't really matter i guess considering most colleges will look at my previous performance and assume that i am incompetent. In the middle of this i managed to get myself tied to someone who was very emotionally abusive towards me. I was so stupid looking back. I was pretty much used for 2 years or the 2 and a half. The sad thing about it is i was so 'in love' (or so i thought) that i woudl have married her. I changed a lot about hwo i was for her and that combined with me letting my future slip through my fingers haunts me. There is a lot of other caca im leaving out but i'll just cut to the summary.

I just feel so useless anymore. Nothing is fun. Not even music is fun for me anymore. Hanging out with friends is just a chore. I have a hopeless romantic desire to be with someone. but at the same time i hate people w/ a passion. No one is real with anyone it seems. Everything is a veil of lies (and i know what ur thinking 'welcome to life') I've had suicidal thoughts from time to time over the last few years, unfortunately quite a bit recently. it scares me to be able to play otu killing myself in my head w/ a hint of feeling wrong. But at teh same time I have literally thrown my life down the drain. I should be almost out of college on the way to grad school but im a doing it dead beat with a dead end job and no hopes of changing anything. My existance really isn't worth anything to me adn i can't seem to shake myself of it.

I'm not putting this out here as a sob story which is probably what it looks like. I just don't get anything out of life anymore and I have no idea how to change it. I mean if nothing is exciting or fun what reason do we have to live?

[[on a side note, i haven't talked to anyone about some of this so be gentle]]