Please Help.....i Need Some Advice. Posted: 02-26-07 22:26pm
I have been married for 8 years now and I
have 2 children ages 4 and 8. In the 8
years I have only seperated from my
husband twice. My problems may be
different then others.........he doesn't
(and hasn't that I know of) ever cheated
on me. I am torn right now and have been
crying for days. I had a hysterectomy 3
years ago when I was 27. That was very
hard on me. I wanted another child very
badly. I recently found out I have a mass
on my only remaining ovary. I don't want
to lose the ovary as I feel 30 is too
young for menapause. I am going to
schedule surgery on Wednesday and my
doctor is going to try and just remove the
mass but if it cancer she will have to
take the whole thing.
My husband offers no advice, comfort, or
kind words for me. It's a bother to him
so I have resorted to just taking my kids
with me when I have a doctors appt. I
have been in alot of pain and I never get
a break from the kids. He watches them
for 3 hours in the evening while I work
but thats it. He leaves me and the kids
almost every weekend to go out of town to
play paintball. His sports activity costs
well over 300 month. Our bills are all
behind and we have disconnection notices
yet he continues to blow the money. He
never does anything with us as a family.
We have never been on a family vacation or
even a weekend getaway.
He is very selfish and cruel at times. I
got a giftcard for my bday from him. We
went to the store and because I didn't buy
a bunch of clothes like he wanted me too
he threw a huge temper tantrum in the
store. I was so emberassed. He was
cussing me out and then squeeled out of
the parking lot. The cashier asked me if
I was okay..........I left in tears. This
is just the tip of the iceberg but I just
want to know what anyone else thinks? I
hear about all these women whoms husbands
cheat or do drugs, and I feel I should be
thankful that he is not like that. I
don't know what to do at this
point.........
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Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 388 Location: Canada
Posted: 02-27-07 07:21am
Okay, he doesn't cheat and he doesn't do
drugs................this makes him a
bargin?!......................women are so
intelligent for most things.........but
the second a man enters the
picture.........all the brain cells seem
to fly out the window...............would
you take this kind of treatment from a
friend?a stranger?...........of course
not.........the friend would no longer be
a friend.............and the stranger can
be avoided.
Having two small children I can see your
dilemma, the financial burden, striking it
out on your own can be very scary things
however after many years of marriage and
feeling like your a single mom anyway
perhaps it's the best thing you could do
for yourself......................maybe he
just needs a major wake up
call................have you even
mentioned divorce? Sometimes that's all
that's needed to stop the other person
from taking you for
granted....................no it's not
fair you don't get time to yourself, it's
not fair that he's not a responsible
parent, it's not fair he isn't supporting
you when you really need it, and it's not
fair he's putting the family in a
financial
crisis..............................he may
not be cheating with a
woman...................but he's cheating
with paintballs, friends and most of all
he's cheating his kids.........
.............Don't worry hun you'll get
through this..............but ya gotta say
something.................this is no way
to live...................all the best
with the surgery
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MomOf2Boys
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 6 Location: NC
Posted: 02-27-07 12:15pm
Thank you for your reply. Yes I have
mentioned divorce. About 4 mths ago we
got into a huge arguement and I told him I
wasn't happy anymore. I told him the way
he talked to me and the kids was
unacceptable. I said we don't have the
money for paintball. At first he was like
"whatever", but when he saw I was serious
he started drinking and then crying.
Telling me he promised he was going to
change. And if we weren't in a better
financial situation he was not going to
play paintball. He had the kids tore up.
And my oldest begging me to give daddy
another chance said "daddy is not going to
be mean to us anymore". Well he changed
for about a week then back to the same
stuff. I feel like I'm in a bind. I only
have a high school diploma and I can't
afford to care for me and the kids on my
own. Plus I'm facing this surgery (I go
tomorrow for a repeat ultrasound and to
schedule surgery).
After the incident in the store I did ask
for an apology. He said I need to
apoligize because "I didn't buy what he
what he wanted me too, and because I
always buy for everyone else except
myself"? I could not believe he said. I
refused to apologize and he got furious
and stormed out.
You are right in what you said, I do feel
like a single mom (I have told him this as
well) Aside from finanacial assistance
from him to pay bills I do
everything.......cooking, cleaning, school
activities. I work part time in the
evenings. I was in terrible pain last
night when he got home and just wanted to
go to bed. I had taken pain pills. I
heard him in the kitchen slamming stuff
around and mumbling under his breath. So
I went in there and asked what was the
matter. He said "you don't need to worry
about it, its nothing that concerns you.
I said that he didn't need to act like
that...........he slammed the bedroom door
and went to bed at 7:30.
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change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
Posted: 02-27-07 12:33pm
dear momof2boys
what you are experiencing is called verbal
abuse. i know i'm a reforming abuser. you
are a person , with feelings that need
validation. you are not getting it at
home. i recommend searching online for
people and places that can help you move
out and possible move on.
mmaybe your leaving will make him seek
help but if he is not willing to change
for himself, then he will never change.
abuse is a cycle. it's up tpo you to end
the cycle. you are already alone and on
your own - it's just a matter of moving
out. i was involved in a similiar
situation and my wife and i are still
separated. 60 days later i am desperately
trying to change. i have been successful
to a degree but at what cost. i don't know
if we can fix our marriage but she did the
right thing separating.
i hope you can find the strength and
courage and help to move out. give it some
time and you will know if it was the right
move.
best of luck to you and your boys.
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MomOf2Boys
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 6 Location: NC
Posted: 02-27-07 14:46pm
Why? Why does he do it? I remember when
my oldest child was just 2. I was giving
him a bath and hubby was mad about
something. Kept yelling and screaming and
telling our son "Your mommy is a stupid
b*tch." He says he can't control his
anger and I believe him. The language
around my kids is terrible. Sometimes I
think maybe he has a split personality.
Our sex life has gone down the drain. I
haven't felt the same since the
hysterectomy and now I'm having so much
pain at times there is no way I can
tolerate it. He gets angry if I don't.
I just feel like I'm going to have a
nervous breakdown. So much in my life is
going wrong right now. My mother was
recently diagnosed with a terminal
illness, my health is bad and I'm facing
yet another surgery, my financial
situation is a joke. Also, my youngest
son seems to have developmental problems.
A serious problem with anger so hes a
handful by hiself.
I'm just so tired. Physically and
emotionally. I have a huge fear of being
alone. I've never been alone and have
always had a man in my life. My dream was
to never being anything but a mother and
wife. I pictured the white picket fences,
and darling little house. Going on
picnics, and vacations. What a fairy
tale.........
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change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
Posted: 02-27-07 15:14pm
if only the fairy tale life was true.
don't get me wrong i believe people can be
happy and have the dreams, but it takes
two equal partners to make that work.
equal being the key word. your
relationship is anything but equal. i can
tell you why i did it to my wife, but not
entirely. i cannot tell you why your
husband does it.
for your children's sake you need to get
them away before they grow up just like
dad. there are places on line that will
help. i will always be here to listen and
to talk to. you can pm me anytime. it may
take me awhile to get back. i promise to
get back. i don't know what else to say,
so if you have questions feel free to ask.
i will also be here to just listen.
you are a person. you matter. your
feelings matter and you deserve someone
who will respect that. anything that i can
do to help i will.
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DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:1
Posted: 02-27-07 17:50pm
MomOf2Boys
wrote:
Why? Why does he do it? I
remember when my oldest child was just 2.
I was giving him a bath and hubby was mad
about something. Kept yelling and
screaming and telling our son "Your mommy
is a stupid b*tch." He says he can't
control his anger and I believe him. The
language around my kids is terrible.
Sometimes I think maybe he has a split
personality. Our sex life has gone down
the drain. I haven't felt the same since
the hysterectomy and now I'm having so
much pain at times there is no way I can
tolerate it. He gets angry if I don't.
I just feel like I'm going to have a
nervous breakdown. So much in my life is
going wrong right now. My mother was
recently diagnosed with a terminal
illness, my health is bad and I'm facing
yet another surgery, my financial
situation is a joke. Also, my youngest
son seems to have developmental problems.
A serious problem with anger so hes a
handful by hiself.
I'm just so tired. Physically and
emotionally. I have a huge fear of being
alone. I've never been alone and have
always had a man in my life. My dream was
to never being anything but a mother and
wife. I pictured the white picket fences,
and darling little house. Going on
picnics, and vacations. What a fairy
tale.........
Mom, you sure as hell don't need to put up
with that, you call the police if you have
to, get out and protect those kids. Angry
is right, verbal abuse is damaging and
those precious kiddies of your soak
everything in!
If not for you, be brave enough to do it
for them! You'll find another man, a good
man...
