Hi everyone my name is keith and I am a
long time lurker but first time poster
this is a bit long
i am recently separated from my wife and
in an extreme depression, overwhelmed with
anxiety and heart wrenched.
The story is way to long to post
everything.
The heart of the matter is we both got
into the relationship (12 years ago) for
the wrong reasons.We both needed someone;
she was in the middle of a divorce with a
child involved and I just had 2 deaths of
very close relatives. From the start we
developed an intense passionate love for
one another and we married 6 years ago and
have a child but due to the baggage, the
resentment formed on both sides and we
never addressed it. Over the years things
deteriorated and last week the pot boiled
over again and she left.We used to be best
friend now we don't talk I miss my best
friend.
Without really getting too much into
details let me first address my issues:
anger problem- no it never got physical
(i went to anger management years ago but
the exercises they gave me stopped working
for me)
jealousy issues
(i've always been jealous of her first
husband who recently died and that stirred
up some unresolved emotions in her and
widened the growing gap between us)
stubborn
(i don't surrender for anything even when
i'm wrong I need to win the argument or at
least get my point across and my anxiety
starts to make me obsess over issues)
porn addiction
(she begged me to stop and I was in denial
about it and couldn't stop and started
sneaking and lying)
I'm opinionated/brash/impatient
(I've embarrassed her, not so much by
being wrong but by not shutting up. I
speak what's on my mind and don't like to
wait for anything)
trust issues
(i don't let anyone in too close, in some
ways I emotionally neglected her but that
was tied to the jealousy issues as well as
other issues from my past)
issues with her son
(we are couldn't get along for more than a
few days at a time, he has some similar
personalty traits to me and has far worse
issues in addition to them)
codependency
(i have always been needed to be the go to
guy so to speak from childhood on and she
has aways needed a crutch so we feed each
other dependency)
my depression
(some of my baggage entering this
relationship has been with me forever and
I always lived in denial about how bad it
is and when I would admit that I am
depressed I thought I could handle it)
resentful/unappreciated
(she has rarely worked and when she does
it's relatively low wages, she doesn't
drive and I am the chauffeur. It was
agreed that if she don't work outside the
home she works in the home and nothing
gets done so after work I end up doing
housework)
emotionally abusive
(the culmination of these issues led me
start making snide comments and make
accusations about infidelity
and threats of cheating or divorce from my
end)
now let me address her issues
anger problem
(once provoked she is unstoppable with her
rage mostly her comments but she has
gotten physical once or twice and she
tries to get me to respond physically by
invading my space with aggressive hand
gestures I WON'T respond physically I'm
6'3" 275# she's 5'7" 125#)
victimized
(everything is about how she was hurt by
everyone and turns to the first person who
will listen and agree with her,which has
been the sympathetic male friend lately
she assures me he is just a friend and
given her history with honesty I am
inclined to believe her)
hurtful
(i asked her to stop associating with the
friend because it made me uneasy and I
look like a fool to everyone she told me
she's allowed to have friends and it is
her right to independence she is choosing
not her friend and she don't care what I
say)
manipulative
(attempts to pit people against on another
and recruit allies in her battle)
codependency/enabler
(she was just as dependent on her first
husband as she is with me/she never makes
her son accountable for anything and makes
excuses for his bad behavior)
drama queen
(makes issues bigger than they are or need
to be)
lives in the past
(she drags up arguments,comments,actions
and anything else she can from the past to
use against me today)
low self esteem
she is gorgeous,looks like gwen steffani
(her childhood,her sister always beating
her down, and first husband laid the
groundwork for this monster and I didn't
help matters much with a few heartless and
hurtful comments topped off with my porn
addiction, she always wonders why guy's
don't notice her but they do and either
don't approach her or only the weirdos do,
I know she don't want a new guy but let's
face it when some either flirts with you
or hits on you it is a boost in your ego)
abandonment issues
(goes back to her parents divorce and both
them abandoning her emotionally then her
first husband cheated and left her and I
am not the warmest person)
emotionally abusive
(it usually comes to surface sex
department I am a sex addict and she used
to have a much stronger sex drive and I
understand that my porn addiction has
contributed to this but she has started to
use sex as a weapon holding out and
teasing me getting me all worked up and
pulling the plug and it starts creating
confusion and tearing at my self esteem
i'm a good looking guy too I get hit on
frequently )
the result we have split even after we
have mentioned marriage counseling (her
idea at first and I was unreceptive at
first but I agree now).Now we have both
agreed to seek individual counseling to
work on ourselves before we attempt to
work on the marriage. She told me she
still loves me but she needs to work on
herself and become independent. She
doesn't know if she wants to get back
together only time will tell(there goes my
patience issue), but she needs to be able
to offer something in a relationship
either to me or someone else in the
future(and I agree).I do love her and want
for us to reconcile and I also agree we
both need to be mentally healthy before we
can move forward with or without one
another. Is my marriage dead,is she
telling me she wants to move on without
saying so. Or is just that time will heal
all wounds and we are on the right path to
healing.
Honestly this is the abridged version I
could go on for weeks with 12 years worth
of relationship to cover.
If I had to place blame on who did what. I
have to go with 40% for each of us and 20%
for her son who always drove a wedge into
our relationship, I don't think placing
blame is constructive so I won't do it and
i'll just work on my issues.I have my
first counseling session tomorrow and her
first is the following day with the same
counselor so they can get a better
perspective on each of us and so if we
make it to marriage counseling the ground
work has been laid.
I know kids are mentioned but we both
agreed to put them first and work together
for them even though her son is now 18. We
are using what we call the A B C
approach.
A=kids first priority
b=ourselves second priority
c=marriage third priority
thanks in advance to any insight any one
has
I also posted his in relationships and
marriage before I found this thread
|
change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
Posted: 03-05-07 12:07pm
ntmd
you are not alone. please read some of my
posts and you will see. it sucks waiting
and not knowing. it also sucks knowing
that it may be too little too late. my
wife and i separated on 12-29 and although
we are roommates at the present -
technically we are still separated because
we do not act as a couple. i feel your
pain there are a few of us here who know
what you are going through. it helps to
talk. other than that i can only suggest
waiting and therapy - fix yourself and
then worry about the rest. anytime you
need to get something off your chest or
just need to talk pm me. may take me
awhile to get back but i will. good luck
|
Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1387 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 47
Thanked:59
Posted: 03-05-07 12:26pm
You described yourself and it sounds so
very much like myself.....I am harsh,brass
and do not sugar coat things. My father
(God rest his soul) use to tell me to go
along, don't rock the boat...I tip the
damned thing over....I speak the truth,
although it may not be what someone wants
to hear. And, I am very opinionated. I hit
the big 50 this year and have been through
several relationships. took me several
tried until I found my husband now. To me,
I strongly believe, if you aren't working
outside the home, then you should work
inside the home. I was a single mom,
worked 40 hours a week as a research lab
tech, had clothes on clothes line by 6 am
every morning. My house stayed clean
laundry done and supper was always on the
table by 6. I know this can be done as I
had to do it plus raise my daughter. I
also know what its like to have step
children, as I had a step daughter and 2
step sons. The wedge can only be put there
if you allow it. I truly believe you need
to go on in oyur life and find someone
else.The two of your together...after12
years are still abusive to one another and
time is not gonna change things. You both
are set in your ways and neither willing
to change........Why won't she drive? I
fell you both would be better off and
happier rather than sitting back waiting
(depressed) on another downfall......just
my opinion GOOD LUCK!
