Eating Disorders Forum

I remember I always felt bad because of my weight. Even as a little child I remember how people would talk about me and say that I was chubby. So it’s like I had it in my mind since my first memory or something. Then I went to the kindergarten and I remember feeling bad with myself because I was a plump kid and I remember kids commenting on that. I remember adults giving me tips on how to loose weight when I was around 12 years old. I can’t remember a time when I would eat and not being aware that I’m fat and not feeling insecure even when I was a little child (still I would eat everything I wanted then because I was too little I guess to go on diets). I can’t remember clearly when I had my first diet. I remember that when I was 13, I went on a diet and I lost 10 kilos in a month or less while eating 4 small apples a day. But it didn’t last long and I gained back more than I lost. When I was 14 I started dieting again. I remember trying extreme diets. I remember that a friend of my mom will always make comments on my weight and how it would be good for me to loose weight. She was the one who suggested me to try the cabbage soup diet. I lost weight, gained back, didn’t put cabbage soup in my mouth ever again and went on other diets. Some brought to me by my mom from co-workers. When I started high school and was 15, people won’t say anything mean about my weight and stuff because I guess my new class mates were more mature than the ones I had in my primary school, so I didn’t worry about my weight that much anymore. I had it really clear in my mind that I was fat and therefore ugly, but I was so focused in feeling bad about my social phobia and my extreme fear of speaking in public so I don’t remember any major diet while being 15, 16. But one day while in the Easter holiday time (I was 17), I was walking around my block with my best friend and some guys walked past us and they said something like “What do you eat for being that fat?” I guess they said that also because they compared me with my best friend that was really skinny. I didn’t pay much attention to what they said that moment, but it remained in my mind and suddenly I decided to loose weight for my own good and to feel good in my own skin. So it was spring time and I started with a really easy diet (I mean I was eating a lot and managed to lose 3 kilos in a relatively short period of time), but as I started to lose more and more weight I started to get on diets that where more and more extreme. I would search the internet for tips and I started to calculate every calorie and I filled notebooks with diets and tips and calorie tables, joined forums where women would discuss dieting and it was there where I found this diet that was something like one day you have only milk one day only fruit another day again milk, the next day only vegetables and so on for 10 days and then 10 days when you would eat normal, but still restricting some food and another 10 days of milk, vegetables and fruit. The fact is that I was drinking only 0.1% fat milk and not more than a kilo a day and really little vegetables and fruit. So I went like that for a month or so and I lost 11 kilos and experienced not having my period for the first time. I was feeling really good especially when people were saying how I look thinner and stuff, but I also thought about food a lot and I had cravings and I remember that one day after 10 days of having around 200 calories a day, I went to the supermarket and bought crisps and chocolate and biscuits and ate them and I hid the packs so that my mom won’t see them in the bin. Since then I developed some kind of an ednos. I was never able to get thinner than that and I just starved then ate a lot of junk and again starved and now I’m 20 and I get depressed often and I buy junk food and eat a lot of it then starve, I also tried laxative tea for some time and I still struggle with wanting to be thin and with cravings and depression. I feel lost when I eat and I feel good and full of hope when I eat little food and when I’m loosing weight, but I don’t know how you do to have a normal life. I don’t know how it is to have three meals and not feeling bad about a meal. I only either struggle to not eat and feel like crap either I eat a lot and feel again like crap. It went on like this for 3 years now and it will probably be like that all my life. Future is really scary for me right now. I almost fully recovered from my social phobia, but I don’t feel happier or less depressed because not looking as I would want makes me really unhappy. I don’t have a boyfriend and I almost have no social life and no close friends. I sometimes don’t want to go out because I just feel fat and I don’t want people to see me like that. I want to be normal, but I want to be thinner too. But even if I know I’ll probably never be as thin as I want I can’t stop trying and feeling desperate when I can’t help eating that sandwich or that bag of crisps or not planning binges and not thinking about food.

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