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mariana

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Joined: 16 Jan 2006
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He Won't Have Sex Anymore Posted: 03-13-07 10:49am


My fiance and I met online. We had been "chatting" for 4 years before we met, and then spent as much time together as we could, usually during school breaks (we lived in different states). After I graduated from college I moved to his state in June and we got our own apartment in August. When I was in college and we only visted each other every 2 months or so, we would have sex every single day, sometimes twice a day, during our visits. When I moved here in June, it wasn't every day but it was still enough. Maybe 5 days a week. Since we've moved into our apartment, we've been having less and less sex. As I write this, we haven't had sex for over a week. That wouldn't be so bad, except that before that it had been another week. He knows we aren't having sex that often and about 2 months ago said his goal was to have sex with me three times per week. We've met that goal maybe twice. He says he's just very tired from school, but he doesn't even go to all of his classes, and he doesn't have a job, and he never does his homework unless it's a paper or a test. He plays warcraft a lot, and for a while I thought that's what was taking him away. But he's been "bored" with it for the past few days and we still haven't done anything. I've talked to him about it, but all he says is, "We'll do it tomorrow" and then we never do. The other day he said "it just feels like such a responsibility." I try wearing lingerie, we shower together sometimes, but I feel like giving up. Does anyone have any idea what is going on with him? I'm sorry this is so long but I felt like maybe our history was important. BTW, I am 23 and he is 21.

diamondsz

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Posted: 03-13-07 10:53am


Ever thought maybes hes going through a depression or has some extra stress thats hes not opening up about? I love sex and think its awesome, my man did the same caca and well lets just say we arent together anymore.... Trying new things always help, but if you can rub a man down or give him a bj and he doesnt respond there is defianlty an issue~!

change is good

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Joined: 18 Jan 2007
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Posted: 03-13-07 12:02pm


from a man's point of view, i would guess he's not telling you something. be open and honest with him and ask him to do the same. i don't know too many men who wouldn't love to have a 23 yr. old who wanted to have sex all the time. something is bothering him. get him to talk to you. best of luck

Llewellyn

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Posted: 03-13-07 15:24pm


Honestly, that sounds pretty normal to me. Not everyone has the same sex drive, young man or not. I usually have lots of sex in the very beginning of a relationship, then I taper off quite a bit. The pattern that you two have fallen into is pretty much the exact same pattern that I got into when I was in long-term, live-in relationships. That's one reason that people tell a lot of jokes about married couples not having sex anymore. It is certainly possible that it is something slightly more serious like the other posters suggested, but personally, what you described would not raise any reg flags for me. It sounds like your boyfriend and I have similar sex drive patterns I guess you could say, so I can understand why he might be acting like that even if nothing even remotely fishy is going on.

wickedwanda

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Joined: 18 Mar 2006
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Location: Alberta.

Re: He Won't Have Sex Anymore
Posted: 03-13-07 15:44pm

mariana wrote:

My fiance and I met online. We had been "chatting" for 4 years before we met, and then spent as much time together as we could, usually during school breaks (we lived in different states). After I graduated from college I moved to his state in June and we got our own apartment in August.
When I was in college and we only visted each other every 2 months or so, we would have sex every single day, sometimes twice a day, during our visits. When I moved here in June, it wasn't every day but it was still enough. Maybe 5 days a week. Since we've moved into our apartment, we've been having less and less sex. As I write this, we haven't had sex for over a week. That wouldn't be so bad, except that before that it had been another week.
He knows we aren't having sex that often and about 2 months ago said his goal was to have sex with me three times per week. We've met that goal maybe twice. He says he's just very tired from school, but he doesn't even go to all of his classes, and he doesn't have a job, and he never does his homework unless it's a paper or a test. He plays warcraft a lot, and for a while I thought that's what was taking him away. But he's been "bored" with it for the past few days and we still haven't done anything. I've talked to him about it, but all he says is, "We'll do it tomorrow" and then we never do. The other day he said "it just feels like such a responsibility." I try wearing lingerie, we shower together sometimes, but I feel like giving up.
Does anyone have any idea what is going on with him?
I'm sorry this is so long but I felt like maybe our history was important. BTW, I am 23 and he is 21.

Hello, after 25 years of marriage, i can honestly say that you need to constantly spice things up in a relationship! How ever i would be concerned if he is not showing any compassion to the way YOU FEEL. The relationship is not all about sex, as you will find it does taper off and things happen in life that cause a distraction (school, work, injury) with both men and woman. You need to sit down have a serious talk and find out if you have growen apart, find out your on the same path emotionally (it will take more than one sit down!) and when he's distracted and ignoring you, do something for your self! Waiting on a man, sexually, emotionally, is NOT going to change his feelings. You need to kick it up and maybe put on wig and have some fun, find out what he enjoys and play on that.. If that doesn't work, move on your young and he may relize what he has lost.. all the best ww

mariana

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Re: He Won't Have Sex Anymore Posted: 03-15-07 12:53pm


Thanks for your responses! As for spicing things up, I have a lot of lingerie and we also have sex toys. Just the other night I got home from work, took a shower, and put on his favorite lingerie. He was lying on the couch so I went next to him and kissed him and all he could say was "You smell nice" and continued watching TV. We talked about it, and he said he's a premature ejaculator (which I have never complained about) and needs his medication for it. The medication he is talking about is Tramadol, which he orders online. He says it takes the edge off of everything and he ejaculates too early without it. Now I'm concerned about addiction, but that's another story. I told him I don't care about when he ejaculates, he's never had a problem giving me an orgasm even before he began taking Tramadol. He's worried that he won't last like 45 minutes like he has in the past and I told him that I flat-out didn't like it when he lasted that long because I would orgasm and then he'd keep going and I would get sore. I told him we can use a vibrator to get me started and then he can have sex with me so he's not worried about me not being satisfied, and he said that I don't understand, it's not a matter of getting me off. I guess I really don't understand. I know sex isn't the most important thing, and I'm not going to leave him about this, but it's just that I don't feel like a priority to him. I know he looks at porn after I go to bed, and I see a wad of tissues in the trash can. I don't feel desired, and that makes me feel like crap. Any more suggestions?

Stan

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Posted: 03-15-07 15:09pm


I must say that I agree with a comment above, he's not telling you something. I don't mean he's cheating, but something is going on. I've been with my wife for 10 years and our sexual activity has nearly always remained the same, even when I started to get really sick we were still doing something at least once a week. Some couples need variety, some don't, some are fine with either. Last edited by Stan on 03-17-07 15:05pm; edited 1 time in total

jadkins05

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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
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Posted: 03-15-07 16:43pm


Could be a number of things. I know for me, I was severly depressed about a few issues and just didn't have the want to have sex. I would turn it down, and/or not even get it up. Some other issues could be, similar to what my EX did. Instead of telling me she wanted to breakup, she would throw out hints, i.e. not wanting to have sex etc. got to the point where she would show no emotion and/or even kiss me when I would kiss her. I got angry and talked about it and found out that was why. He could just have a slow sex drive, or is embarassed because in his mind he thinks he isn't giving you what you want. He might be with another chick, or caught an STD he doesnt want to give you. or he is gay? Best bet is to talk, or start giving him a bj and see if he reacts!

wickedwanda

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Depression And Sex Yikes! Posted: 03-15-07 18:53pm


Men often suffer from depression and don;t admit it. They need to know that its ok to be depressed and to talk to a professional about it. There is higher suicide rate umong men. As women we need to let them know its ok to be depressed and it doesn't make you less of man if you seek help. Many will not, especially if in positions of power. I know i live with one! So i see the shrink and talk about us and our issues and i bring it back to him, and let him know.. Its ok... You goil friend need to do that now , while he is young, its hard because he has to find someone he trusts. While i don't have a problem with porn per say, (my best friend was one of the top strippers in canada), watching AFTER you go to bed is a concern. I would ask him "why do you watch it"?Is there something i can do for you? If he brushes you off, i have to be honest, i would be concerned. While relationships take constant give and take and ALOT of compromising, don't ignore warning signs.. by doing that you compromise YOU, that is not healthy way to live. By all means don't break up, but let him know you know about the porn and ya know what maybe you both should watch it together!! rrrrrr!!!@? I can say if he ignores his problem now, it will get worse and he may run into more serious problems. As for this 45 min rule, thats a guy rule, as long as a lover is compassionate about you and you orgasm, we woman are happy! Honestly guys after 45 min, a girl can hardly walk the next day! It would be nice to hear from some guys out there, that have had this problem???? Any takers !! Good luck ww

healthy-model

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Posted: 03-15-07 23:48pm


45 minutes is not premature ejaculation. I think that is just an excuse for you. i think too much sex in the beginning had already made his days, and telling you the truth from a guy's point of view, he is young and is probably seeing another woman, or just too much of what he wanted in the beginning and now he is just taking it for granted.

mariana

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Joined: 16 Jan 2006
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Posted: 03-16-07 13:07pm


Thank you again for reading my long posts! My fiance doesn't think that 45 minutes is premature, he thinks that not lasting at least something like 15 minutes is premature. And I don't. I think that is absolutely satisfying. I do like to be able to walk to the bathroom when we're finished! I am positive that he is not cheating on me. I have suspected that he is depressed in the past, but he tells me not to push my psychology onto him (I majored in psych). I think he has social anxiety also. I think, even with me after so many years, he is worried about the impression he leaves and the medication he took helped him relax. I honestly don't care if he watches porn, but I would rather him have sex with me, or try to have sex with me, before he does it. The other night I mentioned on here that I had put on lingerie and we didn't have sex. Well he watched porn that night, haha. That was disappointing to me. We've tried watching together but it made him uncomfortable. I think he was afraid that I'd wonder why he didn't perform like that, even though porn is totally fake. He let me give him a blow job the other night, but that's because he doesn't have to worry about lasting long enough, and I had complained that we hadn't had sex for a while, so we fooled around in the shower. But anyway, I left him a sexy note yesterday before I left for work with some sex toys and a blindfold. We used those last night, and after we had sex the first thing he said was "See, premature ejaculator." He hadn't even pulled out of me yet. I had had an orgasm and I tried to make him feel better, but I'm not sure how he feels now. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for your help!

wickedwanda

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You Go Girl! Posted: 03-16-07 14:34pm


You are on hell of girl and i hope he knows what hes got! Most woman would give up and that is NOT what a relationship is about, its work and more work. But its a good work and being with my best friend for the past 25 years has been the best time of my life. Our life is not all about sex and that is important to understand. I have been chronically ill for 15 years, due to a doctors mistake, it has been a battle.. My man stuck by me, when i was going thru a living hell, most would have left. That is the true expression of love, not just sex. It seems that the premature ejaculation seems to be weighing heavy on his mind. It takes time to get them to go see a doctor and find out that alot of men have this happen. Please remember that as we get older we get problems, illnesses ect and sex is not always an option.. So we have to have friendship and compassion during that time to fall back on. Its a bummer that he is not in tune to the shrink thing, but you are young and often don't see the benefit that it can be! Keep at him.. Remember there are key days that you can talk to your spouses, you know the days that they actually listen. Some days they are un-approachable and that is normal, but when they HEAR ya, let them know your fears and keep telling him, how much you love him with or with out the sex! Is he on meds that may effect him? If not and it gets worse for you get him to see a male specialist. He may have a problem we woman have no idea about and if you catch it early.. Maybe he is watching porn to try and get past his 45 min rule!? take care ww

mariana

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Re: You Go Girl! Posted: 03-16-07 23:24pm


Thanks for that great reply. When you said that there are certain days where you can and can't talk to your spouse...I thought that was just us! It seems like he just wishes I would disappear sometimes, so I just leave him alone, and then a day or two later he's back to normal. I know a relationship is two-sided, so he needs my support just as much as I need his. It wasn't so much that I wanted SEX, it was that I felt like he wasn't interested anymore. Kind of hard to explain, but I wasn't feeling attractive I guess, he wasn't even flirting. I really missed the after-sex things we did. But it seems ok now. Last night he said that maybe he's just unhealthy in general. He hasn't had a physical in years so I told him he should go and have blood work done too. I am glad that your man stuck by you and I hope we can do the same!

wickedwanda

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Frozen Peas! Posted: 03-17-07 14:41pm


Mariana, no thats normal, spouses always have days where its f---you, no f--- you and its important to constantly one up each other. We have crappy days , i go into my room and a don't talk to him if he is being a jerk and then talk to him the next day.. usually we apoligize and move on.. This is a funny way we deal with tough days. Often i am so sick i can't get out of bed to cook for my man, but i try. One day i was planning a nice dinner and i asked him to buy some frozen peas, i was like its quick and simple! then i will be done dinner Yeah! I was in such a bad mood, & depressed about being so ill,! He had had a rough day as he is a very busy site superintendant, he was witchy too, but he stopped and decieded that he wanted aspargus. So he comes in and he puts the aspargus on the counter and i was like " i wanted peas!", dinner is almost ready! I can't cook aspargus, everything will be cold, i yelled at him. He yelled at me, i wanted aspargus.!! i looked at him and he looked and me and I said " I tell you what, you go back out that front door, and come back in and we will try this again. So he comes in and i said Hi honey, "oh, you got aspargus, no problem, walked up and gave him a big hug and kiss and said" No use us ruining the evening over peas> He said yeah babe, I'm sorry i had a really crappy day, i should of got peas, the aspargus was closer! So when we know that both of us are witchy and it will ruin our eveing, often i will send him out the door and we start the evening over again! There are alot of crappy days in a relationship, sometimes years, it is how you handle those days the determine if you will stay together! So goil friend keep up the support and the gentle coaxing and talking. loving and being you! P.S i left you a message in your in-box TC WW

pumpkine0011

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Hey Posted: 03-17-07 14:59pm


My hubby is the same way. I had been wearing lingerie everyday, going down on him, trying new stuff, taking showers, then now we have sex maybe once every two weeks. He got tired of me wearing lingerie, and he is never in the mood. And were newlyweds basically. We have been having issues with this for about a year now, so let me know if u figure it out bvecuz i wanna know too.

ForceFan

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Posted: 03-18-07 19:20pm


I hate to say it but I think you need to check things out. Something is not right. I tell you this much. I would give my right arm if my wife was like you.

filthiman

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Posted: 03-19-07 11:56am


honestly he might be depressed. thats never happened to me when i've been depressed before, but a good cure for depression is exercise, and sex is great exercise. if you have to, practicly rape him. you deserve what you want, so if he won't give it, then just take it. also, for maaaaaaany guys, video games act as a i kind of anti-afrodisiac. its true. a friend of mine is still a virgin, and the main reason for that is because all he does is sleep, and play video games, mostly, its the latter. hide his games or seomthing.