Misery..

Hello.

The reason I'm writing this is because I feel terribly miserable, numb, empty and tired of everything. I really need someone to tell me I'm wrong.. well, anyway..

I am lonely. I'm not a particulary ugly person, yet I never really met any woman that felt I'm attractive. I heard many times that I miss "something". Don't know what, maybe the pheromones, maybe something else, but it's indeed true. In other words, women see nothing interesting at me. Always.

I had a "relationship", if you can call it that way, only once, when i was 14.. and it was an internet relationship, so it doesn't count, since I never really saw the person I "loved". Pathetic, eh? 20+ years of living, still alone, always alone.. meh, I'm so tired of it. I try, but it never did any good. And ever since my relationship with my best friend ended..

well, that girl was everything to me. Like a sister. We have spent 4 years together, four fantastic years I will always remember warmly. Even though she had a boyfriend all the time.. well, it was that way until she broke up with him. That was the moment I've dreamt about every day.. although I knew I had no chances. She simply never thought about me in any different way than a "friend" and I was well aware of it. Still, I dreamt.. well, you probably guess how it ended. She found another one, and another, and another.. I couldn't stand it. I told her that I don't want to see her for the rest of my life. I felt better.. for a week, or two.. only to realize that I lost someone very precious to me. I never felt more lonely.

I keep dreaming about various things. I enjoy outdoors, and things like sunsets give me joy. I'm not really a truly "depressed" person. I have some mates, a family that cares for me, I have some goals in life.. but, who cares? Everything seems so awfully grey and dull at times. I can smile and laugh with my friends, but when I go back home, I feel so lonely and sad. That terrible feeling of sadness overwhelms me. I want someone to care for, to live for, to love. I have no such person.

Furthermore, I have a bad financial situation. In my country, you're either lucky, or have a lot of "friends" that will aid you. If you don't have powerful friends, rich father or extreme luck, you're destined to be nobody such as I. With the average payment of 250 euro, you can afford the basic things.. and that's all. And you have to work all your life, day by day, 10 hours per day.. wake up, go to work, work, go back, go to sleep.. endlessly.. I hate that vision, I don't want to work my life away, just to die.. but, my ambitions don't allow me to simply do nothing. So I study. But I study without much compassion. I hate it. It bores me. But I must.. cause I don't want to be garbage, like every common person in this country. Too bad that even the studies don't give much here. You can earn 300 euro at best.. gosh.. why is it so pathetic?

I want to see the world with someone I'd love beside me.. that's my biggest dream. And it seems so awfully impossible to fulfill. I'm stuck in a poor country, in a poor family, alone, without any idea what to do. I hate my life, I hate myself. I never thought about suicide, but I *really* hate myself and the pathetic life I live. I play computer games and watch movies 10 hours per day, sometimes more, cause there is nothing else to kill time with. I
sometimes go with my good friends somewhere, visit the gym, play footbal.. and many other things.. but I still feel empty inside. And so lonely. All my friends feel good, they have heartful relationships, they enjoy their studies, they have cash and ideas.. I have nothing. And all I hear is that after several years, love dissapears anyway, life turns into "i-must-go-to-work horror", divorces appear, everything is pointless, the pointless search for a bit of cash..

please, write something. Anything will do. I really need someone to tell me what does he think about all of this.

Best regards.