I just signed up to this forum and I saw a
few discussions on the topic but they were
somewhat outdated. I'm currently 19 years
old and in the end of my second year of
college. I've struggled all my life with
anxiety and manic depression, and was
lucky enough to become somewhat stable
with the help of medication and a
psychologist. I've been seeing my
therapist for almost 4 years now and the
progress I have made, though gradual, has
been tremendous. I can't imagine where I
would be today without those things.
Everyday is still a new challenge though,
and happiness, unbeknownst to those who
lack information/experience, doesn't come
in the form of a pill. However, I've
adapted to my struggles, and I consider
myself physical proof that therapy
accompanied with hard work and possibly
mood stabilizers can provide for some
significant results.
Anyways, the reason I'm posting is
about Adderall. When I first began the
medication around 14, I don't remember how
much I was taking but I do know that I
hadn't yet been treated properly for my
depression. I absolutely hated Adderall
because it made me more depressed than
ever; I was literally suicidal. Since then
I stopped taking it, and after experience
and years I have now understood how it
became the downfall of my mother's
wellbeing - the paranoia,
amphetamine-induced psychosis,
hallucinations, etc. So obviously the drug
overall was something I thought I'd never
touch again.
In college, everyone practically uses
Adderall, legally or not. I started using
again just out of curiousity - well to be
frank, it was more so out of the growing
depression I was falling back into. After
several months and getting in touch with
the same psychiatrist that still
perscribes my mother with the very
medication to which she is addicted to, I
found an easy access to my secret vice.
I started taking regular doses in
December of 2006. I started at 30mg a day,
and now, in March, I am on 100 mg a day.
The number seems astounding, but the
tolerance one develops to amphetamines not
only varies from person to person, but is
ultimately inevitable. To me, 100 mg seems
to be a functionable dose- for now at
least. Anyways, aside from other side
effects, the one most noticeable to
everyone is the weight loss. I was a
healthy 130 pound girl of average stature,
and now, some 3 months after consistent
use, I stand at 5'6" and weigh a mere 120
pounds. I haven't weighed that since
before high school! It doesn't seem like
such a dramatic jump but the reason I
weighed 130 was because of muscle and
other "god-given attributes", and people
always guessed that I was about 120 and
were shocked to hear otherwise. Now, I
weigh 120 with some muscle mass still, but
I'm told by some that I look like I weigh
less. It's a big red flag when I see my
parents, who never paid much attention to
me before, notice the weight loss and
almost appear concerned. And even though I
agree with them, part of me can't stop. I
find myself avoiding eating in fear of
that side effect to disappear - growing up
female in today's society is hard enough
without having to deal with the kind of
betrayal (particularly male) that I have
endured in my short time on this earth.
I'm teased by friends for my masculine
mentality and sense of humor, which is
easy considering I give off the impression
to everyone that I'm a smartass who gets
along better with a bunch of boys (a
reflection of the lack of security and
stability I've had since day 1).
Eventually, it gets to me when I see
myself feeling caught between genders -
members of both seem to be too intimidated
by my personality to even want to get to
know me. Being more feminine, aka fitting
the ideal image of beauty which the
Western World holds so dear, is perhaps
the way I subconsciously feel will bridge
the gap with everyone I come into contact.
Even when I'm hungry, I try not to eat,
and when I do, I have to go over
everything I've already eaten that day so
that I can justify my reasons for eating
the meal in front of me. Afterwards, I
always feel guilty. I've never been a very
vain person who cared too much about
appearance, because if I was I wouldn't
need a medication to introduce me to the
act of starvation. I wasn't perfect, but I
didn't care enough to change my diet or
lifestyle to do anything about it. Now
that the solution has been placed in my
hands, I'm worried I might get carried
away. Afterall, I'm not exactly the least
likely person to wander down the road of
addiction; I've wandered that road many
times. Can anyone report an experience of
cases of anorexia developing from
Adderall?
Otherwise I love what Adderall does for
me. Never have I been so motivated to do
well in school and fullfill the potential
that otherwise I usually am too lazy, or
just plain sad to explore. I've been able
to practice enough with it so that I know
exactly the times to take it so that I
still fall asleep at night, which I think
can be the most detramental side effect of
them all. I guess my objective here, other
than venting, is to communicate with
others who share similar experiences and
hear about their own opinions or even
personal endeavors. So now that I'm out of
breath....any thoughts?
