i am 19 years old and in the end of my
second year of college. I've struggled all
my life with anxiety and manic depression,
and was lucky enough to become somewhat
stable with the help of medication and a
psychologist. I've been seeing my
therapist for almost 4 years now and the
progress I have made, though gradual, has
been tremendous. I can't imagine where I
would be today without those things.
Everyday is still a new challenge though,
and happiness as we all know doesn't come
in the form of a pill. However, i've
adapted to my struggles, and I consider
myself physical proof that therapy
accompanied with hard work and possibly
mood stabilizers can provide for some
significant results. but like i said, i
face this obstacle every day and always
will, and it doesnt get any easier with
time, just more adaptable..or perhaps more
numbing.
Anyways, the reason i'm posting is about
adderall. When I first began the
medication around 14, I don't remember how
much I was taking but I do know that I
hadn't yet been treated properly for my
depression. I absolutely hated adderall
because it made me more depressed than
ever; I was literally suicidal. Since then
I stopped taking it, and after experience
and years I have now understood how it
became the downfall of my mother's
wellbeing - the paranoia,
amphetamine-induced psychosis,
hallucinations, etc. So obviously the drug
overall was something I thought i'd never
touch again.
I started using again just out of
curiousity - well to be frank, it was more
so out of the growing depression I was
falling back into. After several months
and getting in touch with the same
psychiatrist that still perscribes my
mother with the very medication to which
she is addicted to, I found an easy access
to my secret vice.
I started taking regular doses in december
of 2006. I started at 30mg a day, and now,
in march, I am on 100 mg a day, perscribed
to take two 25 mg doses twice a day. The
number seems astounding, but the tolerance
one develops to amphetamines not only
varies from person to person, but is
ultimately inevitable. To me, 100 mg seems
to be a functionable dose- for now at
least. Anyways, aside from other side
effects, the one most noticeable to
everyone is the weight loss. I was a
healthy 130 pound girl of average stature,
and now, some 3 months after consistent
use, I stand at 5'6" and weigh a mere 120
pounds. I haven't weighed that since
before high school! It doesn't seem like
such a dramatic jump but the reason I
weighed 130 was because of muscle and
other "god-given attributes", and people
always guessed that I was about 120 and
were shocked to hear otherwise. Now, I
weigh 120 with some muscle mass still, but
friends tell me that im getting too
skinny. It's a big red flag when my
parents, who have never shown interest in
anything that doesnt concern them, notice
the weight loss and almost appear worried
(SHOCK!) And even though I agree with
them, part of me can't stop. I like being
skinny again. I find myself avoiding
eating in fear of that side effect to
disappear. Ive never felt seriously
self-conscious about my appearance, or at
least not more so than what's considered
normal. but now its something ive grown
insecure about recently, maybe because ive
been more lonely than usual.
otherwise I love what adderall does for
me. Never have I been so motivated to do
well in school and fullfill the potential
that otherwise I usually am too lazy, or
just plain sad to explore. I've been able
to practice enough with it so that I know
exactly the times to take it so that I
still fall asleep at night, which I think
can be the most detramental side effect of
them all. But in retrospect, i know that
even if it didnt help me out with
schoolwork or suppress my appetite, id
probably still take it. every decision i
make has become dependent on what time and
how much adderall i have taken or will
take. i love sitting around distracted and
all of a sudden feeling that adrenaline
rush in my legs - it almost serves as a
security blanket. ive spent my life never
having anyone i could count on or depend
on. there was never stability in my life,
and because of this im very independent.
ive practically raised myself - no one
ever told me to get a job, or to do my
homework, or to be home at a certain time.
i was my own parent, and i did a pretty
damn good job if i do say so myself. but
as strong as i am and as independent as i
am, i still can only hold up so much
weight - going throughout the day knowing
that i have adderall in my system that
will consistently be there for me to
depend on is comforting, even when i know
it hurts me too.
i guess after that whole ramble ive come
to two serious concerns that i still dont
have any desire in doing anything about:
my growing addiction to adderall, and now
the possibility of dealing with a serious
eating disorder. ive come too far now to
mess everything up, and if i fall i have
nothing to cushion the crash. can anyone
relate?
