Not feeling so great at the moment.
I have a feeling im depressed and have
been for quite some time.
About 5 years to be exact.
Feeling at an ll time low at the moment,
All my mates hate me for arguing with a
friend over a lad.. who im now with and
don't even like anymore.
They are al against me... I have a caca
life as it is. Doesn;t seem like much
point in carrying on, I have tried suicide
before.. ive lost count how many times.
I think I need help!
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nsantora36
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 15
Posted: 03-17-07 17:18pm
this is a long post, and im sorry if i
come off blunt, but thats just me. no bs.
ive dealt with depression all my life and
have a lot of experience in the issue of
mental health and such. plus im like a
genius. (sarcasm?) so yea, heres my point
of view and if you dont like it, well
thats ok. but if you do, thats great too.
and if you need to talk or have any
comments or questions im a good person to
seek out - ive lived a very tedious life
(i consider tedious a euphomism) and ive
seen things no one should, but that doesnt
make me special or superior, it just helps
in the advice giving department. my life
experience combined with my no b.s.
attitude are what help me to help other
people.
depression itself is confusing for many.
number one, specific events dont
necessarily have to cause it - its more
than just being sad, its a physical
chemical imbalance. well technically not
an imbalance, moreso certain neurons that
aren't being properly stored long enough
before being released, yadda yadda
whatever...but the point is that while
traumatic events can lead to depression,
they are not the sole reason. if you
seriously think you have been depressed
for 5 years, think hard about your
behavior patterns within those years.
having depression isnt waking up and being
sad because your friends are mad at you
for whatever reason. depression is waking
up and wishing you hadnt - for no specific
reason at all. everything hurts and when
youre asked to point to which hurts the
most, you cant. theres no sense to it, you
just do. the longer that time goes by
without treatment, the worse it gets. the
more isolated and disclosed you are from
others, most of all your family and
friends - the ones you love the most.
so yea with that tangent being said, if
you feel you could be diagnosed with
depression then seek psychiatric help
immediately - they can evaluate you
theirselves and take it from there. one of
the hardest things to accept in the
process is the idea of having to take a
pill everyday to be normal like those
around you appear to be. but mental
differences, as i like to call them, are
often misconstrued as fabrication or
weakness because its not something easily
seen. i like to think of it as when you
see a diabetic who everyday has to check
their blood sugar levels and take the
appropriate measures. you wouldnt see them
and think theyre weak would you? no, its a
disease that they will have to deal with
for the rest of their life. thats how i
think of depression - every day is a
challenge, but its one worth fighting. its
something thats out of your control, and
treating it isnt weak, rather pretending
the problem doesnt exist is.
the thing about suicide is ( and im sure
ill get arguments back for this) that if
you attempt once and failed, chances are
you really didnt want to do it in the
first place. i mean aside from taking a
bullet to your head and somehow the bullet
didnt penetrate through your brain and
exited on an angle or whatever, ya know
caca in the movies. but for the most part,
if you a.) attempted suicide and failed
and/or b.) told other people (friends,
family, online forum, etc.) that you have
tried multiple times, then what youre
truthfully looking for isnt an end to your
life. what youre looking for is someone to
reach out to you, someone to care about
you the way you want to be cared about.
dont take this as the whole phrase "you do
it for attention" or whatever because
thats not what it is. as a species, human
beings are one of the many that function
best with other people. we are not
instinctively loners; we are always
searching for the comfort of
companionship, be it friendships or
romances. the connections we make with
others are what drive us to wake up
everyday. human interaction is necessary;
not one person can survive without it. all
of us in our own ways, chemically
imbalanced or not, ultimately are
searching for someone to care enough to
break down the barriers weve put up. we
want to hit rock bottom so that we can
feel something and arent so numb anymore,
and along with that we also are vainly
hoping that someone will see it and help
pull us out of it. someone will care
enough to say hey, wake the f up buddy and
pull yourself together. though this aid,
if it comes at all, is in no way as easy
as one or two sentences of encouragement,
but thats the point. we push them away
even further so that when they find their
easy attempts failing, theyll try to
pursue even further instead of dropping
their hands and walking away. its a test:
to see who out there cares enough, and
exactly how much do they care. will they
help me when i dont ask for it but they
know i need it?
sorry about that long tangent...i guess
what im trying to say is take a step back
and rethink your actions up to this point
and try to take an objective point of view
as to some possible reasonings that could
have factored into the making of those
decisions. from personal experience i can
say that when you are in your darkest
moments, the last thing thats ever going
to help is the sugar coated sympathy; for
people to come on here and post a reply
and say "im so sorry about what you're
going through, but i know you'll make it.
just stay positive and try to work things
out." though compassionate and completely
accredited, this advice isnt whats going
to stick in your mind and help you out.
its easy to say hey think positively when
youve never been in the poisiton where
positivity was seemingly lightyears out of
your reach. easier said than done, as they
say. i know after i finally got better, i
looked back at those moments where i didnt
do things i normally would and regretted
so much. there were so many days out of my
life wasted because of my disease and ill
never get them back. who knows if theres a
heaven or a hell or even a god, but to
live by savoring each day and being
appreciative that youre a human instead
of, i dont know, a house fly, is what
makes the difference. living our
experience on this earth is all we know,
everything else is pure blind faith. make
the most out of what you KNOW - so that no
matter what results, you can look back and
say you lived it the best you could.
|
catswold
Supporter
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 404 Location: Flint, Michigan
Posted: 03-17-07 17:34pm
Nsantora36,
Excellent posting. Depression is an
illness, and needing or wanting that one
(or more) person to truly, deeply care for
us is right on. Thank you. Oh, and there
is a heaven and hell and especially a
God!
God bless...
Carol
|
barely_there
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 13
Posted: 03-17-07 17:59pm
Only one friend knows how i feel,i dont
like to talk about it really.
It all began when i was about 14.
Between the ages of 14 and 16, I got raped
3 time ans sexually abused about 6 times
by "friends"
I suppose thats what started it. I pretty
much NEVER talk to anyone about that.I
have flashbacks frequently about it.
I say i've tried attempting suicde..
normally via overdose, on average i take
at last 20 pills, with no effect except
drowsiness..
I've bee told to see myb doctor but I
woukdnt know where to start with him.
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nsantora36
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 15
Posted: 03-17-07 18:31pm
i can relate. it started when i was 10-ish
and didnt stop until i was about 14. my
brother, a year and 10 months older than
i, was molesting me, and then to top i off
would make me feel guilty for even
thinking about telling a soul. i told my
mother finally about 2 years into the
abuse, but the reaction i got was not one
that most parents would give. sure my dad
talked to him and changed the lock on my
door, but that didnt do anything. not only
did they neglect him by failing to
recognize that he had issues that needed
to be dealt with, but they neglected me by
not consoling me or telling me it wasnt my
fault. for years i never even thought
about it anymore because i was convinced
early on that it wasnt a big deal, until i
began to be sexually active started to
become haunted by things i never thought
about.
the suicide attempts you described with
overdosing on pills is proof of my
reasoning on the issue. if you truly
wanted to kill yourself, taking a bunch of
pills that just make you drowsy isnt what
you would do. because in that period of
desperation, you would think to yourself
"you know, even if i take the right amount
and the right combination, someone could
walk in or see me and all i would need is
a stomach pump." taking a bunch of pills
is too risky b/c surviving is a very
likely outcome. plus, if you really wanted
to kill yourself you certainly wouldnt be
posting online asking strangers for help
or advice. im not trying to be
condescending or have an attitude with
you, im just hoping that recognizing this
reasoning will help you see that help is
ultimately what you need, and it doesnt
come in a bottle of tylenol pm's. therapy
is a very gradual process, but coupled
with proper medication (which in itself
can be a long process to find what works
best for you) it can be just what you
need. i know for me it was.
do i still get flashbacks about my past?
of course. do i still resent my parents
and brother for their betrayal? certainly.
but i live my life knowing that its just
one item on a list of challenges i face
everyday, and im better than the actions
of those who were supposed to be my
family. pain caused by the ones who you
thought had your best interest at heart is
the worst kind. i talk to them still and
love them very much, but there will
forever be a wall between us - i wont let
them hurt me again. and i feel sorry for
them. if i were to go on with life letting
what happened to me control and consume my
thoughts and actions, i would be the only
one affected. their mistakes will ones
they will have to live with forever and if
they dont recognize them then theyre worse
off than they lead others to believe. ive
come to terms with myself and can say with
confidence that ive done the best i could,
but theyre not as strong as i am. instead
of letting myself be a victim of others
mistakes, i live for no one but myself and
even if they never understand the severity
of the scars theyve left me, i know that
they too are in pain and are unhappy with
themselves. i guess thats punishment
enough?
im only healthy now because of my years of
treatment. seek it, you obviously want it.
taking care of yourself is the first step,
and the most important. only YOU have your
best interest at heart.
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mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 03-17-07 20:17pm
It sounds alot like post traumatic stress
syndrome. It needs to be addressed asap.
Mine turned into social anxiety. You
should be on antidepressants. And most
importantly, you should be seeing a
counselor. What you have been through will
not just go away. You need to take care of
yourself.
You are worth it and you do not need to be
going through this alone. If you need to
talk to anyone feel free to pm me. We are
all here for you. Keep us posted.
