I am 23yr old straight male, been great
friends with my 25yr old 'bisexual'
girlfriend for about 5 years and been
together for 3 years. I was her first
time (she has had a couple of other men
since) and she told me that she also liked
girls (every males dream come true, you'd
think). She has never gone any further
than kissing and touching another women,
and admits to being slightly turned off by
going any further (or so she says). She
has deep crushes and emotional attachments
to other women but claims to be "all mine"
(her words). When we break up it is
usually over her "mixed feelings" and my
inability to understand them. I feel that
there is an emotional barrier between us,
that I can't commit to her without fear of
being replaced by someone else who
provides that emotional/psychological
release she wants. Help! How can I just
accept that she is who she is and love her
despite or because of it? We are moving
in together in a few weeks and I don't
know if it is the right thing with all
that is whirling in my head over this
matter. Going by the previous experiences
of the rest of the world, can such a
relationship work without her "being with"
a women as well as me? Can we be in a
stable and committed relationship without
her needing a "special friend?" please
help me!
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Forum Girl
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Oct 2003 Posts: 207 Location: Orlando, Florida
Posted: 02-15-04 22:58pm
You already know the answer to your
question - you are just looking for
validation. Would you put up with your
girlfriend having an emotional attachment
with another guy or having a crush on
another guy? No. Why would it being a
girl be any different? She is probably
confused right now and doesn't know
whether she wants to be with a guy or with
a girl. That is something she is slowly
going to have to realize for herself.
Its not fair that she is keeping you
around and expecting you to understand
while she is out experimenting and trying
to find out who she is. You deserve
someone who wants to be with you and only
you.
Fyi - I am also bi. I would never expect
a guy to put up with me wanting to be with
him and also seeing a girl on the side.
And I would never expect a girl to do the
same either. If you are commited to one
person you don't ask them to be tolerant
of you having someone else on the side -
girl or guy.
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sephiroth777
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Feb 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Australia
Posted: 02-17-04 08:33am
Thank you for your response. I don't
think I was clear in my original post so I
will try to clear some things up (not
wanting to take away from the response).
If she had an emotional attachment to
another male then I could handle it easier
being that I feel I can offer her anything
and everything she could want
male-related. If it was an emotional
attachment to a female I would not be in a
position to compete with that in any
gender-based way. As a male I have no
doubt that I can provide for her needs,
physical emotional financial etc, but not
that extra female-to-female contact.
I don't doubt that she is confused about
her sexuality, but I know she wants to be
happy (we all do). I don't want her to be
something she isn't for the sake of us
being together. If she -cannot- be true
to our relationship and committed 100%
then we shouldn't be together. Can a
bisexual plus heterosexual relationship
work in the long run or will she feel
untrue to herself? (responses from
previous experience, if possible)
finally, she isn't as cruel as to keep me
around while she's out on the town
"experimenting" and finding herself (but
that was a good point raised and a valid
statement given the information provided),
it is more that I feel like I am holding
her back from being herself in some small
way. I can't understand how she can be
committed to a relationship that doesn't
provide everything she feels she needs or
desires due to her bisexuality.
Sorry for the long follow-up, I just need
to be clear on some things as this is a
really tough issue for me to deal with
(normally keep these things to myself),
and need the advice of people who have
been through this or who understand what
she is going through now.
Thank you for your response(s).
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teacherspet3569
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Oct 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Kentucky
Posted: 10-25-04 12:03pm
I am also bi. I think most women are bi/
bi curious but just because we admire and
take interests in women does not mean we
cannot commit to a man. I think if you
talk openly and honestly about her
feelings and she includes you in her
choices you can make it work.
If you are okay with her experimenting,
maybe she could include you and then you
would understand. She may be going
through a phase and will eventually
choose, but for now if you love her, let
her go through it and just keep talking
about what you need from her and she from
you, even if that is experiementing with
her sexuality.
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invisiblegirl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 May 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Michigan, United States
Posted: 05-24-05 07:37am
I too am also bisexual. I agree with
teacherspet3569, you just need to talk
openly and honestly and calmly to her
about your feelings, thoughs, and needs,
and allow her to do the same.
I too agree that if you are ok with
experimenting, ask if you can be involved
too, after all you are going to be living
together, and it sounds like you care
about her a lot. I am sure the two of
you can work it out. I am going through
the same kind of thing with my boyfriend.
I flat out asked him if he would be ok in
joining me in experimenting, and it has
helped us out. He trusts me more too,
because he now knows how I feel about the
girls I am with because he can see it when
we are together.
I have faith it will all work out well for
you.
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laryang982
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jun 2005 Posts: 3
In the Same Boat Posted: 06-14-05 19:56pm
I'm in the same situation as sephiroth.
I'm a 22 year old straight male, and I
have a bisexual girlfriend. We've been
together for a while now, and things have
been great. We're incredibly happy with
each other, we have a lot of common
interests, and the sex is intense.
But last month I came to taiwan to study
for three months, and we're starting to
have problems. We talked every day for
several hours, about anything and
everything -- but when we talked about the
future, we hit a snag. She said she
wanted to have a girlfriend as well, that
she missed 'doing stuff' with girls --
before being me, she had a really serious
relationship with a girl, but she broke up
with her because she wanted a husband,
kids, a family -- and she couldn't have
that with the girl.
But now she's asking me if i'd be okay
with her making out with girls, hooking up
with girls, having sex with girls -- I
don't know if it's just for physical or
emotional reasons that she wants that, but
either way i'm really not okay with it.
I've been trying to rationalize this to
myself for the longest time, and have been
having a miserable time at it -- no
matter how I look at it, it's still her in
someone else's arms, sharing that
intimacy. I feel like if we're this
close, that she would only want me, that I
would be the only one providing sexual and
emotional pleasure.
Then she asked if I would be okay with it
if I were in the room, but I don't know --
I just want us to be more secure and
stable in our relationship before we try
something like that. Right now I feel
like i'm going to lose her or part of her
to a girl. Does that make me selfish to
want all of her? Either way, if we're
going to try something like that, I
wouldn't want to try it until we've been
together longer and trust each other more.
. .
So it comes down to this -- I want her
and only her. But she wants me plus
girlfriends on the side. Is it too
harsh to ask her to give up girls to be
with me? I know she's bisexual, but to
me it feels like a relationship should
exclude everyone else, until both parties
are okay with trying something else.
As it stands now, we're still discussing
this -- but i'm starting to lose faith.
I don't want her to give up girls to be
with me and be incredibly unhappy, but I
don't want her to still have girls while
being with me because I would be
miserable.
What do you all think? Is my way of
thinking skewed? Am I asking too much?
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invisiblegirl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 May 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Michigan, United States
Posted: 06-14-05 22:14pm
I think you may be asking too much, what
if you never want to share her with
anything you do? Just give her time and
space, and you need your time alone and
space as well, and if things are well just
be open with her. Once you both feel
secure in your relationship then try
things with others, because you will knwo
she is comming home to you and only you.
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laryang982
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jun 2005 Posts: 3
Mmm Posted: 06-16-05 06:22am
Yeah, you're probably right. I guess
right now it's just because it's long
distance plus we haven't been together for
long enough -- I just hope she can hold
off until I get back and we can solidify
our relationship before she goes and
experiments. . . I don't want her
doing it behind my back. . . That would
be death to our relationship.
I just hope in the future we can be secure
enough with each other (or more like -- me
being secure with her) so that it would be
okay.
I just can't help feeling that I want all
of her. . . <sigh> I guess I
really need to work on this then. . .
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invisiblegirl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 May 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Michigan, United States
Posted: 06-16-05 08:25am
I don't know if it helps any but right now
my boyfriend feels like you do right now.
He wants to be ok with it but just can't.
I told him I won't do anything until he
is ready, and I just think you need to
make sure your gf respects you enough that
she will wait to do anything until after
you are ok with it. Try to see if she
will let you know when she is seeing other
girls, it will help you both out. Her so
she doesn't feel like she has to keep it
from you, and you so you know what is
going on with her. I told my bf I
wouldn't do anything until he was ready,
and that if he wanted he could be a part
of my experience with other girls. In
august we will be in a long distance
relationship and right now I am just
trying to get him to be ok with it all,
and making sure I will be ok with it, and
that he won't be there to make sure I am
not doing anything behind his back so I
need to be honest. It is hard for both
male and female dealing with a bisexual in
the relationship. I am confident that if
you and I are open in our relationships
everyone will feel better and the
relationships we have with our significant
other will become stronger.
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laryang982
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jun 2005 Posts: 3
Posted: 06-16-05 19:59pm
That's reassuring to know that i'm not the
only one like this -- when I talk to my
friends, they're all like 'your
girlfriend's bi!? That's awesome!
Threesome!!'. . . But I just get this
sour feeling in my stomach --
it's weird, sometimes I feel like maybe it
would be okay in the future, but then I
just start feeling like this, where it's
just cheating! I really believe a solid
relationship should consist of just two
people -- a guy and a girl, or a guy and a
guy, or a girl and a girl -- whatever the
sexuality, it should still just be the two
--
i understand she's bisexual. I
understand i'm pretty much asking her to
give up girls to be with me. But I just
don't think she understands why I think
it's wrong.
She keeps saying that she doesn't see
anything wrong with it. She's not
looking for a relationship with a girl --
but she just misses the closeness of the
physical act with a girl. . . But
isn't that what exclusive relationships
are about? Realizing there are more
important things than giving in to
temptation? Sacrificing other pleasures
to commit with a person you love?
She says 'you're the only guy I want',
instead of 'you're the only one I want',
and that just frustrates me to an
incredible amount.
It comes down to a question of differing
moralities. She thinks that I shouldn't
have a problem with her having girlfriends
as long as i'm the only guy she's with.
But I believe that when two people are
together, that should be enough -- if
they're really right for each other -- all
other pleasures and temptations should dim
in comparison. . .
And now she's hanging out with another
bisexual girl (and has commented on her
attractiveness) who is eager to try
something with girls. My girlfriend is
starting to spend all of her time with
her. . . And we're starting to
communicate less and less. . . I'm not
even there to remind her of what we have,
and I won't be for another few months. .
. And she keeps talking about wanting to
experiment. The way this is going, I
don't know if we're going to last the rest
of the summer.
I was wondering how things are working out
with laryang982 and others in
relationships with a bi girl and straight
guy? I have been in such a relationship
for 8 years. We have been married for 6
years. It has been incredibly difficult
for most of the time. We tried a
threesome because it seemed like that may
be ok with both of us. It caused more
stress due to jealousy by my wife. We
separated because she wanted to be with a
girl. We got back togoether because we
both realized that we love each other.
Things have smoothed over for the last 2
years, but I always wonder when the next
time will arise that she will feel like
she wants, or needs, to be with a woman.
Unless you are in such a relationship, it
is hard to explain it. My wife did not
choose to be this way and I know since day
1 that she was bi. She is the most
intelligent, loving, interesting woman I
have ever met, so I have accepted all of
her traits. So we will keep going and
hope for the best. It is work, and open
honest communication has been the key for
us.
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phylipino
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Aug 2006 Posts: 1
Posted: 08-08-06 22:44pm
Hey guys! I stumbled upon this forum
looking for a way to resolve my current
problem. I'm gay and i'm going out w/ a
bi guy. We've been going out for a year
and a half. A few weeks ago he messed
around (no sex involved) with two girls,
one is a coworker. When he told him I got
angry and said that we were over. Then
the next day, thinking that he would never
get me back, decided to have sex with his
coworker (girl who is also bi). What hurt
me most was that he didn't try to maybe
try to talk to me before doing it.
Another issue I had was that his coworker
was a friend of mine and I thought she
would at least try to get my bf and I to
work things out and see if we could get
back together. To make a story short, my
bf and I are back together but things are
still cloudy. We view sex differently.
To me it is part of love and should be
only shared between a couple. But he sees
it different that a person can love
someone and still be open to have a "no
string attach" sex with someone else. I
have a hard time accepting this because I
always believe and want a monogomous
relationship. This is probably due to the
fact that my dad always cheated on my mom
and it pained me to see that happen to
her. Anyways, I have a hard time getting
the images of him and her having sex out
of my mind and I fear that I will lose
him. He says that won't happen but it
scares me to know that he might lose
interest and move on. I'm glad I found
this site coz at least I know i'm not the
only one with this problem.
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Spanky2005
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2005 Posts: 76 Location: Philadelphia
Posted: 08-08-06 23:20pm
You asked for advivce from someone who is
in the same boat as you.
While I am far from being in this
situation, I still want to give my opinion
on the situation.
I think your girl friend's true love is
women. She is only with you because she
wants to follow the "norm" of society and
go with a guy. She might even have some
love for you. But its probably not the
same love that you would get from a
heterosexual girl. I dont think you will
ever be able to fulfill her true desires.
Your best bet is keeping her as a great
friend but finding someone who loves you
and is not bi.
