I Need Someone to Talk to Posted: 03-20-07 13:26pm
Im 16 and well from the outside i would
consider my life as great, i feel selfish
because i have nothing that could be a
reason for the state of mind im often in.
I feel as if everyday i have to put on a
show of happiness, that I cannot ever be
myself otherwise people would find out
that im an outsider. Ill be in a group of
friends everyone will be laughing and well
Ill be standing there wondering what Im
supposed to do, sometimes cryin because I
feel like I cant join in. Every morning i
have troubling breathing because i feel as
if I cant continue, my throat blocks and I
stop breathing, it takes me a while to
become calm again. Each day is a challenge
and i ask myself when its going to end. I
ask myself questions, existential
question, i think all day about them,
everything else seems unimportant, it
seems they are the reason for my state of
mind but i cant imagin life without them
if someone even suggested for to stop
thinking then i would rather die. Life
would be tasteless. But my thinking has
brought me to conclusions such as the
nonexistence of god, the uselessness of
life , the blackness of death(my belief is
there is nothing absolutely nothing
after), the evilness of humanity, the
nonexistence of love... The more I think
about us as human the more my digust
grows, it is as if there was no hope for
humanity that we were the worst living
things on this earth and even trying to
change would make no difference as we are
trapped in our history , in the way we
are. I just cant accept it, maybe my
ideals are too high but ijust cant accept
a world like ours but i already feel
defeated as the real will never join my
ideals. As my disgust of humanity grows so
those my selfdisgust. I hate myself, the
way I am , that I am so human, so evil .
The conclusions i come to might not be the
right ones however they feel right and any
other would feel as if I was lying to
myself. Eventhough im sure others have
felt the way I have in my surrounding it
seems as if no one really cares about such
things and well ive tried explaining to my
friends how i felt but they call me
pathetic. I even talked to my bestfriend
about it, i was telling her about my hate
for humanity sometimes, telling her about
the shortstory of sartre erostratus how i
could in someway relate to him the next
thing she says is that I am a psychopath
and that i want to shoot people, for a
day she believed i think that i was evil
and she said that she didnt want to be
friends with me, she told all my friends
of the thoughts i had and how I felt
empathy to a murderer. I dont think she
understands how much that has hurt me that
evening when she called me a psychopath
and that I was so strange I felt so
alienated Ifelt like i couldnt be
understood I nearly killed myself i feel
so weak now. that one of my best friend
can make me feel that way I feel like im
going to fall the next time someone says
such a thing, someone calls me strange or
weird. I feel different from evryone but
in a bad way and that way disgusts me
aswell I cant really explain everything
but Im in such a state of emotional
distress I feel like I cant connect with
anyone and that the more i disconnect from
people the more im slipping away from
life, Im scared to go to my room as my
window looks so attractive sometimes, i
feel like the easiest way would be to end
it all, it would end my constant worrying,
theses thoughts would stop this nonstop
qustionning and never finding the answer,
never being satisfied with an answer, my
life seems so perfect but i am not happy,
i have so many things but I cannot be
happy i fell like i should die for that,
there are so many other things that are
running through my mind all the time but
the most reacurrent at the moment is of
killing myself, i feel like i cant control
myself sometimes, i feel pathetic by the
way i feel but i cant control it
I dont know what to say maybe i should say
help me but i feel as if i doomned anyway
i think it has already lightened the
weight i was carrying just talking about
it but i still feel so unstable as if
depression was seeking me at every corner
I need advice i dont know what to do
anymore
Last edited by bluesky44 on 03-20-07 16:26pm; edited 1 time in total
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jason2jr
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Mar 2007 Posts: 28 Location: Paramount, CA, 90723 US
Hello There... Posted: 03-20-07 15:31pm
Hi. Im Keiana and Im no doctor, but it
sounds like you have some type of social
disorder and in turn causes you to have
panic attacks and depression. Talk to your
parents, or if you dont feel comfortable
doing that, talk to a school counselor. I
feel so bad that you are experiencing
this. Its not your fault. Some people have
chemical embalances that cause what you
are explaning. Be strong and do something
or it can take over your life. You want to
experience the great things and not have
bad memories of things you have no control
over. Good luck.
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bookieworm
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Mar 2007 Posts: 3 Location: USA
I Need Someone to Talk to Posted: 03-22-07 00:52am
hey hey hey, no need to sound to glum..
its not ur fault if u are having some
problems... every one has problems in
their lives, some ppl can get rid of them
sooner some dont... that doesnt mean you
have to get stressed about them..
if you really feel this way... i think you
should be talking to some one who is
specialized in this thing and can rally
understand your problems and help you...
others will only think you are not well
and give you the remarks whcih you have
already mentioned here...
you dont even need to go somewhere to do
that.. there are many websites whcih offer
guidance and help online to ppl who have
any concerns. u can check them out and ask
for help... in this age and time, lots of
us are facing these problems so it is
nothing to be embaressed about, you just
need a right way to let go of these
emotions and feel yourself.....
good luck to u
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 725
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Re: I Need Someone to Talk to Posted: 03-24-07 07:09am
Hi there.
First of all, welcome.. I hope you can get
help and feel better.
There's nothing to feel ashamed of for
having problems or disorders. Everyone has
got them, you just have to be aware of it
and learn how to deal with your own
things, ok?
That you described sounds like a need of
social attention, like a social disorder
that can have innumerous reasons and
effects.
Some of your thoughts may be right and
have reasons, but you must see them as
beliefs, something you'd fight for and
stand for, not soemthing that can put you
down, right?
Things are wrong, so we can change them.
Sometimes our efforts seem meaningless and
so little, but soon someone will join us
or something and those efforts will grow
and we'll see the results coming. You are not evil!
Not if you do something!
You are not pathetic! You think!!!!
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hiaphia
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 1 Location: Indianapolis
I Love You Posted: 05-18-07 23:30pm
I read your post but not complely and my
heart just went out to you. I could not
take any more. I want you to know that I
"do" care and to please not "give up".
Please email me when you need someone to
talk to and I will try my best to get back
with you.
Kharil
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 725
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
How Are You Posted: 05-19-07 11:28am
So, it's been a while since bluesky
started this discussion. How have you been
doing so far? Are you feeling better and
have you seek for any kind of help?
Let us know how you are doing now, ok?
Cheers.
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jessica38
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 9 Location: MA`,
Posted: 05-20-07 18:30pm
yeah it's been quite a while since you
posted this, but just read your post and
was like woah thats me. hahah. hm not
really a "hahah" time but like the first
half of your post was dead on. lucky for
me i have one friend who sort of
understands what im going through, she
suffers from some pretty bad depression
but we both cover it up for everybody else
in the world. lately though, i think she's
been getting better, which is great for
her, while i've just been feeling worse
and worse. i feel so pathetic, and
constantly wonder what in the world is
wrong with me. i've thought about suicide
alot but would feel too embarrassed for my
family to have to deal with explaining to
people that i killed myself and also am
afraid to go to hell. but i know how it
feels to have to go out in the world
everyday and cover everything up with a
fake smile.
i hope you feel better and things are
improving for you. and if you ever need
someone to talk to, i'm here.
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Donj
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 2
I Know Posted: 10-07-07 02:25am
I am 40 yo and going through the same
thing, Do not wait to get help, I waited
and am going through hell because of it. I
am Diagnosed with Major Deppresion and
stress/anxity disorder. I saw humanity as
the only source of evil on this planet, A
big discrace to this planet. I have killed
myself twice, or tryed to. for years I did
not want to be a part of humanity was
ashamed to call myself a human. I have
been suffering like you all my life. and
now that I am getting therapy things are
starting to get better. I just wish I
would have got help when I was young
instead of now after my life is half gone.
Please get proffesional help now. don't
end up like me and miss out on more than
half of your life.
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Donj
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 2
Re I Need Someone to Talk to Posted: 10-10-07 04:50am
Every thing you say above is just the way
I am. It is like reading my very own
problems word for word. Please get
professinal help. don't wait like I did. I
have missed out on half my life. I am just
starting to come out of a life long dark
lonley painful life. Getting Professinal
help is the best thing I ever did.
if you need to talk I am here. I have
been through what you are going through
for a long time. I am no doctor. I just
know the pain from personal experiance.
years of it.
My name is Don.
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natashaariel
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 2 Location: Cullman, Al United States of America
Posted: 10-11-07 22:59pm
Atleast you actually think about something
and care. That can be rare for kids in
highschool . Thats probably why
you feel alienated. "Live life as it
should be to show others what it could
be." Thats a quote from Angel I think.
Something like that anyway.
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syhz7
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 2
Posted: 10-24-07 15:47pm
If you want it, here's some advice coming
from another person who knows some of the
stuff you're going through...
I know it might be hard, but you could try
to do what I did. Whenever you might be up
for a random medical-checkup or something,
just mention some of the things you are
feeling, and say that you're just not
okay. I assure you, they won't alienate
you like your friend did. If you want they
can set you up for an appointment and they
won't tell your parents if you just ask
that they don't, and if you talk to
someone, maybe you'll uncover a few
things. Not feeling alright is reason
enough. And about your friend: yeah, some
people won't understand, which is why
talking to someone more professional or
someone here might help you. You're not
alone in this, and if anyone, we take you
seriously. Your friend's just one person,
remember that, and a good friend wouldn't
make you feel alienated that way, so don't
critize yourself for that. That's a flaw
she has, it isn't yours.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that:
you might feel that you don't have enough
reasons for you anger and your
selfresentment to talk to someone, but you
don't really need any. I'm pretty sure
your problems have their roots attatched
to something, but it doesn't have to be up
to you to know what that is. Like I said,
not feeling good is reason enough to ask
for and to get help.
