Joined: 25 Mar 2007 Posts: 21 Location: North Texas, United States
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Angry Or Abusive Husband??? Posted: 03-25-07 23:24pm
My husband and I have been married for
only 8 months but I am really beginning to
wonder about the nature of our
relationship. What do you think?
He has a horrible temper and it seems like
the slightest annoyance can send him into
a rage. He doesn't break things or hit me
(he's never hurt me) but he slams things
and curses -- usually says "f**k!" really
loud. When we first started dating I saw
him do this every once in a while and it
didn't bother me. However, now it happens
at least 10 or 12 times a day -- the tv is
too loud, the light won't come on, his
computer won't re-start, and etc. I hate
the fact that everything bothers him
because I can't say anything while he's
still pissed -- then I get snapped at or,
I am to blame for whatever it is. He just
rants and I watch him....a dozen times a
day.
He snaps at me in public, micro-manages
what I do -- my god, I am 28 and he tries
to tell me how to wash dishes -- and he
doesn't even wash them! He is never
satisfied with my housework, where I put
things, how I arrange things, my choice in
sheets, how I set the table. It's gotten
to the point where I am always waiting for
the other shoe to drop -- "What did I do
wrong now?"
The snapping at me in public thing is
really humiliating. When he apologizes it
usually ends with "but I was really
annoyed about that fat guy who grosses me
out because he can't get the f**k out of
my way." This is a sweet guy, or used to
be! Why does he become this evil guy when
he's angry? He lacks compassion and ugh,
i'm rambling.
My biggest concern is that I walk on egg
shells around him. We can be having a
lovely day, as long as it's on his terms.
If I, or if anyone or anything else stands
between him and his way, look out. you're
in for a crappy day. Then, once I'm
beaten down, he apologizes and cracks
jokes as though he didn't just embarrass
me, or hurt me, or make fun of me.
Ironically, he is always angry at me
before he wrongly assumes that I am
laughing at him or making fun of him
(which I am not -- and if I do, it's
lovingly, like friends do -- like we used
to) or, my favorite, "telling him what to
do." yeah right!
i've read up on abuse and it seems that
while he could be a candidate for an
emotional abuser, he's not possessive or
physically abusive and he seems to lack
the manipulative quality most emotional
abusers carry. He is very honest and
doesn't manipulate me to do things that he
wants. He just makes it totally
unbearable if I don't do things his way.
(ha, is that manipulation?) Oh, and that
includes going to a marriage counselor.
In fact, he's made it clear that he will
NEVER go to a marriage counselor because
he knows that "you guys will just gang up
on me." I'm very confused. Any
suggestions?
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change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
Abusive Posted: 03-26-07 06:21am
your husband is a verbal abuser. i know. i
was(am) one myself. you are doing nothing
wrong. he is. you are not to blame. he is.
he needs help. if he won't get help then
you need to get away. i know this is
probably not what you want to hear, but
you need to be safe. there are places to
go and people who can help. go somewhere
safe and ask him to get help. until he
admits he has a problem, things will not
get better. there are also plenty of
people here who will listen and be there
for you.
good luck
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ChrisC
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Mar 2007 Posts: 21 Location: North Texas, United States
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Hmmmm Posted: 03-26-07 07:03am
Thanks for your honesty. I am uncertain
now, though, more than ever. Frankly, I
have no where to go and, what if he
doesn't get help? Or what if he does and
nothing changes? Did you get help and
correct your behavior?
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change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
Posted: 03-26-07 07:57am
i am trying to correct and change my
behavior. i am currently in therapy. we
have been "separated" since dec. 29. i
moved back in on feb. 14 and i have not
been abusive towards her since dec. 29th.
we are still kind of separated, more like
roommates. she even cheated in january and
i still have not been abusive. it took a
long time before i was able to admit being
abusive. since i have though i see what
i've done and am trying hard to change.
it's not easy.
if your husband won't change you should
think about separation or even divorce.
you should not be treated that way by
someone who claims to love you. the road
to change is long and hard. you will have
to be willing to see it through. he cannot
change on his own. he needs professional
help.
there are places and organizations that
will help you. google domestic violence. i
will be available to answer any questions
and to talkto.
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ChrisC
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Mar 2007 Posts: 21 Location: North Texas, United States
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Thanked:1
Posted: 03-26-07 11:00am
Maybe your wife just cheated so that she
can feel some sort of control. Lately,
I've been thinking a lot about
x-boyfriends...I just want to feel
cherished.
Any advice on what I should do when he
gets "pissy" or condescending? I can't
not ask "the wrong" questions or say
"dorky" things because I have not idea
what those are until after he's been rude.
My reactions -- tears, anger, insults
(lately, I've been such a jerk back) or
general sensitivity have just made him
more frustrated, rude and condescending.
I can't even physically walk away because
it makes him more angry. I really feel
stuck.
(I'm so proud of you for sticking with
your therapy. That gives me hope for my
own husband.)
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change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
Posted: 03-26-07 11:28am
don't cheat though. two wrongs don't make
it right. can you try a trial separation.
it might push him in the right direction.
i glad my situation gives you hope. from
what i hear it's not typical behaviour for
abusers.
keep me posted and pm me if you like
good luck
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
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Posted: 03-26-07 14:53pm
ChrisC
wrote:
Any advice on what I should do when he
gets "pissy" or condescending? I can't
not ask "the wrong" questions or say
"dorky" things because I have not idea
what those are until after he's been rude.
My reactions -- tears, anger, insults
(lately, I've been such a jerk back) or
general sensitivity have just made him
more frustrated, rude and condescending.
I can't even physically walk away because
it makes him more angry. I really feel
stuck.
I would like to know the
answer to that also!
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Fairy Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1570 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 100
Thanked:169
Hi Posted: 03-26-07 15:26pm
I just had to jump in on this
one.............until you decide you have
had enough, your situation is going to be
the same. You will stand back and allow
this man to control you, and everything
around the two of you. He is manipulative
and the verbal abuse alone would make me
want to leave. Unless you leave and he
gets the helps he needs, its like telling
him hey, its cool, lets have things your
way........The embarrassment in public, by
all means, don't go to places where you
and your girlfriends go. Thats what I've
learned! The only way he is going to see
you mean business, is for you to take the
bull by the ####S and find somewhere else
to go, until he realizes you are not
playing games. He will also realize he
loves you very much and is willing to get
the help he needs in order to keep you in
his life............if not, then action
speaks louder than words..... 8 months is
a long time, do you want this to go on
forever? Its up to you Girlfriend, we are
here in the wings cheering you on!
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change is good
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 112 Location: Mesa AZ.,
