I am a 23 yr old woman. I have noticed
over the past 5 yrs or so, that I am not
mentally well. My family history includes
generations of mental illness and drug
abuse. I grew up watching my mother go in
and out of mental institutions and watched
as my father slowly lost his wife.
Growing up the way I did, I guess its hard
to admit I have a problem or I need help.
None of us want to be like our parents. I
have been trying to self diagnose myself
which proves impossible for I am very bias
obviously. I started using drugs when I
was 15. The first drug of choice was LSD.
I soon stopped popping LSD and started
using cocaine. I then moved on to cheaper
drugs such as meth. I was then diagnosed
for alcoholism. I also experimented
heavily with ecstasy and mushrooms. I am
now older and wiser (cough) and do not use
hard drugs anymore nor drink at all. The
only thing I do is smoke pot, which
actually seems to help with my mania, or
at least I seem to think so. But now that
im sober, my mental issues seem to be
increasing more and more. I guess I was
trying to use drugs as an escape to my
reality. I just wish i knew what was
wrong with me. I have terrible mood
swings, but what woman doesnt? I have
thoughts of suicide about every other day.
I feel like this world is a terrible
place and cannot figure out what the whole
point of living is? I want to end my life
so that maybe I can end this cycle of
mental illness in my family. Whats wrong
with me? Is there any hope at all? Or is
it inevitable that I will end up like my
mother? I am a successful, intelligent
women. I am about to graduate from
college and move on in my career. I also
have a fantastic boyfriend. However, I
can feel all these things slipping away
from me as my mental issues increase. I
yell at my boyfreind constantly, even if
there is no reason.....I can always seem
to find something. He is constantly
telling me I have a problem and that im
insane and need help. Its harder to get
out of bed and go to class. I find myself
calling into work a lot also. I have
taken all the little test for bipolar
disorder and they always come out
negative. The older I get, the worse I
get and I cannot seem to figure out what
is wrong with me? maybe im schitzo?
HELP!
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Lost17
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 10
Posted: 03-29-07 12:31pm
I failed to mention my anger issues. I
have terrible anger issues. I throw
things, hit the wall, punch my car....you
name it. I know when im being crazy and
angry.....but I cannot stop. heeelp.
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geekylotus
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jun 2006 Posts: 15
Posted: 03-29-07 16:10pm
Get to a professional if you can. At the
least, start with your primary care
physician. If you talk to anyone, do your
best to drop your defenses and tell all
even if it is painful or embarrassing.
That gives the doc his best chance of
helping.
Bipolar is a tough one to nail down. A
self test is not going to be as good as a
professional who can listen and respond.
If you are not bipolar, and assuming you
are frank and honest with the
psychologist/psychiatrist, they will be
able to help you get it figured out.
The reason I am so big on being fully open
is my own experience. I started out being
treated for depression. I was put on
Paxil, and over the course of the year, I
became a new person... not a good
person... a new person. I started out
becoming very uninhibited which is not
terrible in itself, but eventually I found
myself in an affair. I loved attracting
women. I did some big spending, I barely
gave my wonderful son any attention, my
house became a wreck, and I did not even
open my mail, including bills. I withheld
much from my psychiatrist and what he did
find out from my wife I was able to mask
for him and he hesitantly followed my
lead.
I had huge blowups with the other woman
and my wife as we worked on a divorce and
in a moment of clarity, I eventually told
the doctor about that. He put me on
Lamictal, and over the course of about a
month, gradually increased the dosage.
Over that month, I started to see my home
as a dark place. I saw much of what I was
doing as empty. I started to recognize
the damage. Most importantly, I started
to acutely miss the wife I had let go so
easily.
My wife and I are working on
reconciling... the divorce was never
finalized.
Okay... I stole your thunder a bit...
sorry...
My point was just to show the depth of the
potential damage if you don't do it
right.
Get help. The internet can't help you the
right way.
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Lost17
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 10
Posted: 03-29-07 17:54pm
I have so many past issues that I wouldnt
even know where to begin with the doctor.
Issues as a child, drug abuse, rape.....
on and on. I have seen a therapist before
but walked out on the session. When I
bring up the past I just lose control of
all my emotions. They overcome me and I
cannot seem to regain control no matter
how hard I try. The thought of seeing
another therapist scares the crap out of
me. I just want all of these emotions to
go away. I dont want to bring them back
up but I realize that they are affecting
my life. I know everyone says this, but I
feel really really lost in the world. Its
hard for me to believe that any doctor is
going to understand what I've been
through, what i've done, what i've seen.
I dont want a pill that will change who I
am.....but then again, who I used to be is
not who I am now. I want to keep running
away...... maybe if I keep running it
wont catch up to me.
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geekylotus
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jun 2006 Posts: 15
Posted: 04-18-07 09:33am
I wrote a very long reply several weeks
ago, but my session timed out and it was
not posted. I was quite disappointed.
Can you bring a friend with you to
counseling? Someone who can help you with
your anger and help you stay the course?
Whoever it is, it will have to be someone
who can hear all with you.
This may not be true for you, but if I
spend enough time thinking about how I
will respond to what I might consider
negativity, then I do much better when my
defenses start to come up.
Pardon my bringing this up, but perhaps
you will find it useful - I am a Buddhist,
and I have taken a liking to Thich Nhat
Hahn. He is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk.
He has a book called "Anger". Once you
get past a spiel about organic foods,
etc., he starts discussing a unique way to
react to your anger. Don't respond in
anger, but also do not bury it. He
teaches that you should treat it like a
baby... figure out what it wants. The
point is, that anger often is not what it
seems. The surface reason for the anger
is only a facade. Usually something runs
deeper, and we can convert our anger into
something more appropriate once we get to
that level.
I truly wish you the best.
My own anger is finally under control, I
think.
-T
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Lost17
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 10
Anger Posted: 04-22-07 00:27am
Thank you for all your advice geekylotus.
I will definitely look further into the
book you mentioned. I have briefly read
some theory on buddhism and found it
fascinating. I would like to control my
anger, but your right.... maybe I just
need to figure out whats causing it in the
first place. I will read further into the
art of zen in hopes of finding some
discipline.
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