Depression Forum - Very Bad Low Self-esteem And No Life At All

I just recently browsed around and heard about this site and decided to tell my story about who, what I am, and why I'm always sad. I dont normally like to tell my real name to certain places but my name is Ron. I was born in Baltimore Maryland and I'm proud that I was born in the city. I'm a light-skinned male from a Bi-racial background. I'm 22 years old now and I'll be 23 next month in May. I now live in NC and I've always hated being here. My Biological mother and Father separated when I was very young, I was about 5 or 6 I think. My mother was from Baltimore and my Father was from SC. When I got older into my teen years, I always was raised by my mother and new stepfather to always obey them and never trust a soul outside of the world. My parents always gave me a good life and always gave me what I wanted but they were always TOO overprotective of me. They weren't like other types of parents. They never let me do anything with other children or never let me experince things on my own. I never was good at all at talking to other kids at school or talking to girls because I was always made fun of by everyone. I wasn't a ugly kid, I just didn't know how to fit in with everyone else. I've been dealing with bad comments and hurtful things for years and often at times, I would sometimes write little small notes to myself or keep little journals and express how I feel when I was always alone. I had a certain hair style that people always made fun of me because it was different but natural. I had alot of curly hair at the top of my head but it wasn't little curls, it was medium type curls that kind of made it look like a curly flatop. I also didn't wear the type of clothes that other people found cool or anything because my mother never trusted me to dress my own self until I began High School! When I did start, I finally met one guy that was really special and cool. He was from New Jersey and was basically the opposite of myself. He was always quiet and didn't work with anyone. But my teacher decided to put us two together. We instantly became friends because we had so much in common, we were both from big cities and not the country and we shared alot of interest in games. But as my high school years slowly passed me by, my only freind began to play favorates too much with other people in school. Whenever I was made fun of, he would join in with them or either side with them just to make himself look good. I thought he was different and so it really hurt me. So as days passed by, he called me and I was always quiet with him and he would often say "Your quiet, how come your not talking to me?" I was too heart broken and didn't feel as if I should have been talking to him anymore. I realized that I couldn't take peoples remarks and comments torwards me anymore. So one day, I finally got the courage to completely get myself a total makeover. I asked my mother to cut ALL of my curly hair off and I wore some urban clothes and tried to look as much lke other kids as I could. When I arrived back at school, everyone was completely shocked by what they had seen. They felt like they had seen a new person. People immidately stopped making fun of me and just treated me like a real person. But...that still didn't help my self esteem at all as the years went by. When I tried to take driver's ed, I passed enough so that I could do the on road drive test. When I first got behind the wheel, the teacher asked me if I ever been behind the wheel before, I told him No. And then he asked "Your parents never let you back the car out of a drive way or anything?!" Then I constantly said No. Then I said to him, I thought that a person wasn't allowed behind the wheel without a liscence? Then he quickly agreed and shut his mouth. Then he slowly taught me everything I needed to know. But after all the Driver's Ed stuff was over, I was given a paper that was good enough for me to go to tha DMV's office and take the test to get my liscence. Sadly, I failed tha test twice and it was on the multiple choice test on the computer. I felt too stupid and felt like I couldn't do anything right for myself. I never was the type of person to make straight A's or anything in school growing up. I was more of a B's and C's and D's person. Then after I graudated from High school and got my diploma, I tried going to a Community College and taking some classes that majored in Art. It was alright for a while but then money problems became a issue. They kept giving me the same excuse everyone else was getting "Your parents make too much money". I couldn't get a Student Loan or Pell Grant or anything at all. I was denied. So then I decided that I had to get a job. I applied for a job at the hospital and have been working in the Nutrition services area for 5 years and now I'm 22 and still dont have a car or liscence at all. I didn't go back to college and I dont have any friends and I always stay locked up in my room all the time. My parents have always had problems or arguing and fussing over stupid things and my mother always had so many health problems and couldn't stop cursing and fussing with my stepfahter. She has Diabetes, Authoritus, and many other problems. She's always been this way since I was in middle school. She's too unbearble, too paranoid about people and always thinks she knows everything and would be so quick to believe what other people think when she's explaining something to someone. She still acts like she has the brain of a ediotic teenager when she talks. My stepfather is too stupid himself to even know why he married her in the first place and he nothing more but a mere puppet for her now. They both are at least in their 40's. I always feel like I cant do anything or feel like my life is going nowhere because my mother doesn't ever want me leaving her or acheiveing my own goals or life. I later in life joined certain websites to see if I could make friends and possibly get them to come over and hang out with me or anything but I knew in my head that at my age with no liscence, I couldn't really do anything. Now my parents do Foster Care and take care of children and try to make money because my mother doesn't work with all of her health problems. My stepfather has been working for 17 years at a certain power plant. He makes good money and we live in a 2 story house. But all of these things still doesn't make me happy with my life. I live out in the country and completely surrounded by nothing. Just big lands with cows and horses. I've always hated living in tha south because there was nothing to do or anyone I could relate to. I have been asked many times, Why dont I just leave. I couldn't because I have FOF (Fear of Failure). I'm too afraid of what the world has too offer me. I was never allowed to express myself at all on my own and it has effected me even now as a adult. I feel like I'll never make any friends or get my liscence or ever get out of NC. Its a complete hell hole and no decent jobs are around either. I feel like I'll grow old and alone in tha country surrounded by nothing but lands and animals. I'm the type of person that likes to be in Big Cities and loves many people. I love attention just not from my parents because they ruin everything. I also sometimes feel like Killing myself because I'll never get to accomplish any goals I want and get the hell out of the country for good. I also questioned GOD so many damm times and asked him "Why the hell did you give me life? Why did you put me on this earth and you knew how my life would turn out? Why wont you just take my life because I honestly dont see what my purpose of existing is for anyway". I cant do anything, I cant never leave the house because of what I might be doing to my parents hearts or because I dont have any street smarts and also because I wouldn't know where to sleep or go. I've also had trouble with my sexuality growing up. I now know that I'm Gay or Bisexual. I dont like girls because I dont know how to approach any or handle any. I guess thatz why I was always make fun of also because of how I looked or I never could get a girlfriend. But now, I'm a good lookin guy and Males and Females are all over me now across the Net that is. But, I'm also a Vergin. Which is VERY rare among today's standards of people. I'm just a good lookin guy with a cute face that doesn't know how to drive, doesn't have a liscence, doesnt fully love himself, Hates where he lives and is NEVER happy at ALL, Doesn't like women, and feels like killing himself might be the only solution to ending this nonsense. If you think you can offer me some professional advice that can stop me from always feeling this way then go ahead. But dont expect GOD to help for anything cause that man never has done anything for me and never will otherwise I would be this way.