Can't Get Over With My Girlfriend's Past Posted: 04-22-07 19:36pm
It has been bothering me for so long. It
has caused me sleepless nights. Me and my
girlfriend have been together for 9 months
already and everything seems to be right.
Not until i found out about her sexual
pasts. This has caused me tremendous pain.
I'm not sure about how I feel. I don't
know if I'm just jealous or insecure with
her past. I'm no angel saying that I
haven't had sex with girls before I knew
her. But just the thought of her having
sexual partners before me pains me alot.
She has had 3 sexual partners before me.
Her first experience was with a man she
thought loves her. After doing the act,
she found out he has found a woman. This
is according to her testimonies to me. And
I do believe her. The second one, i must
say, is legit because she was her
boyfriend. He was his constant sexual
partner. However, I was shocked when she
told me she had sex with another man whom
she's inlove with alhtough she was still
in a relationship. I asked her why she has
done such horrendous act. She said that
the guy said he was still a virgin and
wants to try sex. And my girlfriend
stupidly obliges. And now I'm the fourth.
I ain't got any grudges or problems during
the first few stages in a relationship,
but now, I think it got its toll on me. I
don't even know how to react. I can't
still figure out why I'm feeling this way.
I have read a lot of things in the
interenet talking about the same problem
as i am. I have read some advice but
nothng seemed to work. Everything for me
are cliche answers - that past is past,
that if you love your girlfriend you
should accept everything before you knew
her, that everybody has the right to past,
etc. And one more thing, what really
bothers me alot is I get recurring
thoughts, and I obsess alot about them. I
think of my girlfriend having sex with
these guys. And I tell you, even the
littlest things trigger these obsessive
thoughts. I love my girlfriend so much.
She's just incomparable with my exes.
However, it seem like I have a split
personality. At one point, I knew she
would be the girl that I'd be spending for
the rest of my life. At one end, i think
of her as promiscuous and cannot find any
reason why such a sweet girl could just
easily give up her virginity. Probably she
thought the guys then were "it" but she
was wrong. I thought to myself that I
should be the last and I would never let
her be abused by other men. But I still
obsess with these thoughts. Please help me
out here. I do accept her past because I
thank God He had brought her to me and
because of her past she has become someone
I adore and love. I want concrete answers
on how I can manage not to be jealous
about her past, how I can accept her
shortcomings and bad decision-makings, and
how not to obsess with these thoughts. Pls
help me out. thanks
|
meblonde01
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 2132 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
Re: Can't Get Over With My Girlfriend's Past Posted: 04-24-07 15:11pm
paul995
wrote:
It has been bothering me for
so long. It has caused me sleepless
nights. Me and my girlfriend have been
together for 9 months already and
everything seems to be right. Not until i
found out about her sexual pasts. This has
caused me tremendous pain. I'm not sure
about how I feel. I don't know if I'm just
jealous or insecure with her past. I'm no
angel saying that I haven't had sex with
girls before I knew her. But just the
thought of her having sexual partners
before me pains me alot. She has had 3
sexual partners before me. Her first
experience was with a man she thought
loves her. After doing the act, she found
out he has found a woman. This is
according to her testimonies to me. And I
do believe her. The second one, i must
say, is legit because she was her
boyfriend. He was his constant sexual
partner. However, I was shocked when she
told me she had sex with another man whom
she's inlove with alhtough she was still
in a relationship. I asked her why she has
done such horrendous act. She said that
the guy said he was still a virgin and
wants to try sex. And my girlfriend
stupidly obliges. And now I'm the fourth.
I ain't got any grudges or problems during
the first few stages in a relationship,
but now, I think it got its toll on me. I
don't even know how to react. I can't
still figure out why I'm feeling this way.
I have read a lot of things in the
interenet talking about the same problem
as i am. I have read some advice but
nothng seemed to work. Everything for me
are cliche answers - that past is past,
that if you love your girlfriend you
should accept everything before you knew
her, that everybody has the right to past,
etc. And one more thing, what really
bothers me alot is I get recurring
thoughts, and I obsess alot about them. I
think of my girlfriend having sex with
these guys. And I tell you, even the
littlest things trigger these obsessive
thoughts. I love my girlfriend so much.
She's just incomparable with my exes.
However, it seem like I have a split
personality. At one point, I knew she
would be the girl that I'd be spending for
the rest of my life. At one end, i think
of her as promiscuous and cannot find any
reason why such a sweet girl could just
easily give up her virginity. Probably she
thought the guys then were "it" but she
was wrong. I thought to myself that I
should be the last and I would never let
her be abused by other men. But I still
obsess with these thoughts. Please help me
out here. I do accept her past because I
thank God He had brought her to me and
because of her past she has become someone
I adore and love. I want concrete answers
on how I can manage not to be jealous
about her past, how I can accept her
shortcomings and bad decision-makings, and
how not to obsess with these thoughts. Pls
help me out.
thanks
Paul, When you love someone as deeply as
you love your GF it is hard not to be
jealous. There is nothing you can do about
her past except make the present with her
harder on both of you if you keep thinking
about it. Here is how I would handle it.
every time you think about her being with
one of those other men. First picture a
big read stop sign right in your head. And
STOP, Then think of some really nice thing
she said or did that touched your heart.
After a while the pain will lessen and
you will only think of you and her, no one
else. I have a feeling you just recently
found out about her past and it is
haunting you. In time it will not.
remember she is with you now. Another good
thing to do is DON'T ask question about
any of them. It does not matter and it
only makes you feel bad. You know all you
need to know right now..
Good luck.. remember , yesterday is the
past, tomorrow is the fulture that is way
today is a present. Or something like
that.
|
paul995
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2007 Posts: 140 Location: ,
Thanks! Posted: 04-24-07 18:11pm
thanks for the advice. although there is
really this feeling of you wanting to know
more about the details. It's like huting
myself. I shouldn't have asked but there's
a part of me that wants to know. Probably
i should not ask for the past anymore.
thanks!
|
princessnae
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 90
Ok Posted: 04-25-07 14:53pm
I am the opposite. I have only been with
one other person and my boyfriend had
several sexual partners before me. At
first I wanted to know who, when, how many
times... what they did... but in the end
it just hurt me more. I loved him and the
thought of him with someone else tore my
heart out which is what you are probably
experiencing.
It took me a long time too to get over it
I guess. And it is hard to explain but I
just came to the realization that no
matter what he did in his past he is with
me and loves me thats it. I still have
thoughts sometimes where I want to know.
And sometimes he talks about an ex and I
have an urge to ask more questions and I
get all crazy obessive for a few days
after with my mind playing tricks on me...
but in the end it would just bring me more
hurt so I don't ask.
I have a question.. are you afraid that
she might cheat on you? That might be why
the exes bother you so much if you afraid
of cheating.
Everyone has a past.. but you need to look
to the future...
good luck let me how its going
|
paul995
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2007 Posts: 140 Location: ,
Not Exactly. . . Posted: 04-25-07 18:28pm
I'm not really afraid of her cheating on
me. She has clarified that it is only me
that she loves, and me alone. I do believe
her. And trust isn't exactly an issue in
our relationship. Just the thought of
obsessing makes me feel really down and
deeply hurt. She's a very sweet girl and I
can't imagine she would just give her body
as easy as that. thanks for your advice.
You sure do know what I'm going through
right now. . .
|
Birch
Moderator
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4159 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 159
Thanked:16
Re: Not Exactly. . . Posted: 04-26-07 19:29pm
paul995
wrote:
I'm not really afraid of her
cheating on me. She has clarified that it
is only me that she loves, and me alone. I
do believe her. And trust isn't exactly an
issue in our relationship. Just the
thought of obsessing makes me feel really
down and deeply hurt. She's a very sweet
girl and I can't imagine she would just
give her body as easy as that. thanks for
your advice. You sure do know what I'm
going through right now. .
.
What about you? Were you so wanton with
your body?
Nothing personal; it's just that guys
expect girls to be so virginal and pure,
yet they can get it on and it doesn't
matter. And three partners is hardly
promiscuous. Unless she's 13.
On the other hand, you might have some
severe self esteem issues. If you are
obsessing about her having sex with other
guys, it might be more about you than it
is about her. Do something about it
before it consumes your life and ruins
your relationships.
|
princessnae
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 90
I Agree Posted: 04-27-07 14:36pm
Well said Birch.
I mean we shouldn't just go sleep with
anyone and everyone. But if a girl sleeps
around they are called "sluts" but on the
other hand if a guy sleeps with her or
around they are called a "player" and are
given a slap on the back.
As for "I just can't believe she would
give up her body that easily.." Well first
you didn't know her then. Second it was
her choice and you can never really
honestly know what specifically lead up to
what happened.
It may seem like a problem you have with
her but really this is a problem you have
with yourself. This is a problem that you
need to work through. You have to get
past this if you want your relationship to
work.
Hypothetically speaking.... Have you ever
looked back at your sex life? I mean what
makes the first or second or whatever girl
you sleep with less virtuous than your
current girlfriend? Did you love them? If
you didn't why did you sleep with them and
why is it okay? Did you sleep with your
current girlfriend before you fell "in
love" with her? Or did you have sex
before you exchanged I love you's?.. so
what makes what you did any different?
This is all according to your logic. Its
only okay to have sex when you are in
love.
|
LennonLove
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 May 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Pennsylvania
Posted: 05-03-07 12:41pm
I can honestly say my boyfriend has been
in the same position. I've had more sexual
experience than he has and it's been quite
a difficult road in my relationship to say
the least. Your girlfriend is far from
permiscuous. My boyfriend once told me he
wished i was his first and vise versa,
however, that isn't the reality with most
people. You're being unfair to judge her
past when you didn't know her. I'm sure
when you think about it you look at it
from the worst angles and exaggerate it
from every situation, which isn't going to
help you in the long-run. You aren't so
innocent yourself. You have been together
for 9 months. You need to look back on
your past TOGETHER and not your past
before each other. It's irrelevant and
will only cause you more issues. Who she
is now and what she does now should tell
you what kind of person she is. I'm sure
this isn't easy for her. You making her
feel guilty about things she has done
before you. It isn't mature. I'm certain
it isn't intentional, but you can't live
in a fantasy world. Digging into a
person's past can only hurt yourself. You
should only judge a person from who they
are to you. Not for what they've done or
who they were before you. I have really
strong feelings about this, experience,
and a lot of jumbled thoughts on this
topic. So, hopefully i helped you out a
bit? Anymore questions, feel free to
message me.
|
Makoto
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jul 2006 Posts: 287 Location: Japan
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-07-07 19:18pm
I would say grow up and knock off the
crap. You girlf friend did not sit around
waiting for you her whole life so you can
come and take her off her feet.
Yes she has had sex and a life before you.
She is not damaged goods. She is still the
same person before you knew how many guys
she has been with. Next, yes there might
be a time when you will meet one of those
ex boyfriends, what are you going to do
then. Fall apart and act like a total
loser or think to yourself"you lost a good
thing here buddy, she is a wonderful
person."
If you are mature enought to be having
sex, then you have to be mature enough to
realize other people have sex, the people
you will meet and the people you have
meet, all are having sex. What does it
matter.Your ex-girlfriend is with some
guy, and this girlfriend you have, once
you guys are done, will be having sex with
some one else. What you going to
do about? Cry or be mature?
|
Style
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 May 2007 Posts: 2
Posted: 05-16-07 09:40am
The real problem lies in the way the
society is today. The majority of both the
males and the females have more than one
partner. However, many males still have
the idea of "female purity" when they
first have sex with their "true love."
Although they know that their partner is
not a virgin, they still somewhat expect
them to be.
I dont think it is healthy to just "ignore
her past." Her past is what makes her who
she is today. I think it is better to
explore and deal with her past (although
it will hurt) rather than to just "ignore"
it. If you ignore her past, it will be
there on your mind subconciously.
So, ask her about it. Think about it. Then
let it go. (easier said than done). If you
can't let it go, it will ruin your
relationship. Tell yourself that and make
yourself let it go.
|
manofDhaus
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 3 Location: USA
Posted: 05-16-07 21:43pm
If you really love her, you have to accept
everything-- the best and the worst.
What's important is that she's with nobody
else but you.
What you going to
do about? Cry or be mature?