i have had two very abusive relationships,
with the first he would beat me when he
had had a drink, but was always sorry the
next day and we agreed that he would have
to give up the beer if we were to
work.everything thing was fine for a
while, then i fell pregnant, he was over
the moon for the first couple of weeks and
then he said i had done it to trap him and
would beat me every day trying to force me
to have an abortion i felt very trapped,
then one day he throw me down the stairs
and beat me till he knock me out, i was so
scared that i agreed to an abortion. i was
20 weeks gone. after that i had a new
found hate for him, and finally left him
and stayed with a friend.
the next one was mush the same although
he would beat me when i wouldn't have sex
with him, then he would beat me when i
said something that he didn't want to hear
so i had to lie so that he wouldn't hit
out, he hated me seeing family so i had to
lie bout that and money. a friend helped
me get out of that relationship as he use
to find me and say if he couldn't have me
no one could.
after i got away i said i was going to be
on my own as i throught i was attracting
these men, that i must have pushed them to
it.
i moved and got a new job, there was this
lovely man there and he asked me out and i
said yes, it was nice to feel like i was
wanted again. we started a relationship
and moved in together, he asked me to
marry him on xmas day 2005 i said yes, but
everytime he asked me anything about my
family or money i would lie as i didn't
want him to turn like the other did and
the day before the wedding he found out
i'd lied and called it all off we split up
and he said he could never take me back as
i had broken his heart. a couple of months
later he did take me back and i promised
not to lie again but i have, what is wrong
with me i love him with all my heart and i
am doing it again, i'm so scared i will
lose him for good. i feel like i'm broken
and don't know how to fit it.
please help i would be very greatful of
any advise, i hate what i have done and
want to fit it.
|
dynamicdebz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Apr 2007 Posts: 41 Location: Sheffield, UK
Posted: 04-26-07 09:21am
Sometimes when we continue to seek the
same type of abusive relationships it is
because all we know.
However quite often these men appear to be
Prince Charming when you first start
dating, they push all the right buttons
& impress all. When the relationship
does start to turn bad usually there is
abuse then the following day he is full of
remorse & will do anything for you. We
are continually seeking the man we fell,
in love with.
I spent 10 years in an abusive
relationship & had 2 sons to him. Out
of the 10 years together I probably only
loved him for 2 -3 of them. The rest of
the time i was trying to find ways of
dumping him while still staying alive.
Sometimes it was better staying in the
abusive relationship than put up with
worse when getting rid of him.
As regarding your new relationship I would
suggest being totally honest with him. I
know the lies have already been told but
explain why you felt the need to lie.
Explain you have been vulnerable &
manipulated by men previously, explain the
abuse. If this new man is the man you
claim he is he should be understanding, so
long as you stop the lies now & give
him your reasons.
He sounds like a genuine man so before he
finds out anymore lies for himself, tell
him now. Go out for a meal & let him
know your whole story. You may be suprised
, he may offer you the support you so
need.
If he does decide to break the
relationship, he probably will have done
so if he'd found the lies out eventually
himself. You will then have to bear this
in mind for the future.
Let me know how you go on.
Good Luck!
|
princessnae
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 90
I Agree Posted: 04-27-07 02:28am
Tell him about your past. Don't lie. I
know its difficult to tell the truth when
all you know is how to lie... And really
its not your fault. Tell him why you did
what you did. This hopefully open up a
new line of comunication.
i told him everything and he said he knew
i was lieing about the family and money
but couldn't prove it, he was very angry
at first that i'd lied again, he asked me
to leave so that he could think, but i'd
just got to the end of the street he
called to tell me to come back, and we
talked it over and i have promised to get
help, i have been to couciling before but
when they get close to finding anything
out that i'v hidden for years (i was
abused as a child) i stop going as i don't
want people to know. i am still carrying a
lot of pain from that time and i know i
need to get help.
we are starting a fresh as from today, but
he said if i lie again then that will have
to be the end of us as he cant go through
the heart break again. i'm going to do
everything right no more crap. i cant keep
letting those men spoil my future which i
know is what i'm doing now.
he did give me a lot of support, talked
over things and he held me all night. i'v
found mr right i'm going to do everything
that i know he wants, no more lies, talk
to him when i'm worried and to be the
beckums he met and fell in love with the
one who didn't lie.
thank you so much for your advise
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dynamicdebz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Apr 2007 Posts: 41 Location: Sheffield, UK
Posted: 04-27-07 04:56am
Good for you Beckums!
It sounds like you've got a good man
there, keep hold of him by not falling
into the lying trap again. This man
obviously loves you for who you are.
If you still have issues about your past,
you really do need to go to counseling.
Councillors have heard a lot more than
what you have been through, I assure you.
Don't forget none of it is your fault, you
have no shame. Perhaps your fella could go
with you & help you to discuss it with
a councillor.
|
Becky
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jan 2006 Posts: 6217 Location: London, England
Thanks: 0
Thanked:7
Posted: 04-27-07 05:33am
i must just say that i am very proud of
you that you confronted your fears and
told him the truth. my mother has had a
very similar life. whilst i was a child
she was with a horrible man who used to
beat her up every day and also beat her
whilst she was pregnant. she was bleeding
at around 5 motnhs and he locked her in
the bedroom so she couldn't get help. the
baby died.
she had a good friend who she had know for
years and he was very kind. he told her he
would get her out of the situation and we
fleed to london. only after a few years he
started to mentally abuse us.
she is now with a new man and her whole
life that she has told him is a lie. she
lied about her past, her family and even
her job. she is stuck in the same trap but
i don't think she is strong enough to
break free as she is scared of losing him
and being on her own.
you are very brave to tell your boyfriend
the truth and i wish you the best of luck
with this relationship
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