Postpartum and Postnatal Forum - Sexual Abuse And Depression


Sexual Abuse And Depression

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survivor

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Joined: 25 Aug 2003
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Location: Midwest

Sexual Abuse And Depression Posted: 08-29-03 06:33am


I am about 6 weeks pregnant and suffering from major depression, brought on by post traumatic stress disorder. I only found only about a week ago that I was pregnant, but it feels as though time is standing still; and as if I am taken back to a time in my life that was not so safe. This is my second pregnancy. The first one was difficult with all the weird body changes signaling some painful body memories. This pregnancy is on a whole different level! I am considered in a state of crisis and rapidly I feel myself deteriating. Before both pregnancies I went through intense couseling from the time I was 19 to about 29. I thought I had dealt with the painful memories of my fahter and uncle doing horrific and unmentionable things to me as an innocent child. I am in touch with a therapist and my husband and I have seen her four times already this week. I am frigtened and sleep-deprived. I am also considering an abortion due to the intensity of the remembering and the sleep deprivation. I feel I will be a terrible mom to my 2 1/2 yr old if I can't get my act together. There is however, one thing I know for sure: I am lucky to have an understanding huband and in some ways, maybe I have broken the "cycle of abuse" . I would appreciate any feedback with anyone who has been abused as a chld or not. I need to know that there are "survivors" out there who can lead happy, "normal" lives. Thanks.

cantwait2bmom

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Be Strong Posted: 08-31-03 10:21am


I'm not sure I can help but I can't stand it when somebody posts something and nobody responds to them. It happens to me often and I think I have vaild posts. Anyhow, I was not sexually abused as a child but I was physically and mentally abused by my father. I had a hard time trusting any male figure in a relationship, and anybody else for that matter. I am now 28 yrs old, happily married for one year to a wonderful man I have been with for 9 yrs now, and I am 23 wks pregnant. I have broken the chain of abuse in finding a wonderful man in my life, it was hard, and it still takes a lot of work each day. You sound like you have found somebody wonderful too, and it is never easy. If you already have a 2 1/2 yr old, you know how stressful motherhood can be. However, if you're seeking therapy now, I think you just need moral support from family, friends, online forums, and most of all your husband. Know what's important to you in your life, and that should be that you are a survivor of abuse , and that you have broken the chain. You will be alright. Beth

stillsurviving

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Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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You Are So Brave-hang In There! Posted: 09-30-03 12:27pm


I also experienced sexual abuse in my childhood by more than one perpetrator and I am still coping/recovering/surviving. I say that because i'm 32 and recently decided (again) not to pursue motherhood because i'm too afraid. I used to be afraid i'd be horrible at it, but then I noticed it didn't seem to stop anyone else and noboody's perfect. With all the problems and issues i've had with my mother I now know that she was just doing the best she had with what she had at the time. But I started baby-sitting on the side a few months ago as "mommy-practice" and I absolutely loved it until I had a very bad trigger one day and I just couldn't deal with the sexual feelings that suddenly came up while I was with the kids. This had never happened to me before but I kept feeling it over and over again for a week and it was like being right back where I started all over again. I've been in therapy off and on for 8 years and my therapists insists that this is part of the process and she doesn't think i'm capable of becoming a perpetrator (which is my biggest fear and why I bailed on motherhood) and that i'd make a great mother blah-blah-blah. I have a hard time believing all that but you are my new hero -second pregnancy! Whew! There's hope after all I suppose.

BabyPassion

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Joined: 28 Sep 2003
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Location: Bronx, NY

I'm Getting Personal Now..... Posted: 09-30-03 19:01pm


If you girl don't know me by know i'm maria, 19, I go by passion. I'm going to get personal now. So please be kind, I know that won't be a problem for you girls. I also have been sexually abused when I was younger. I never told anyone, and I mean never. So this is my first time talking about. It all started when I was in the first grade. I just moved to florida with my sister. It was one of my sister's boyfriend's friends who abused me. He use to touch me and this other little girl I know. He made us touch each other as well. In the school I went to, the other kids use to 'play' with each other in the bathrooms. I wasn't suppose to tell. They said they would say I was lying. When we moved back to ny my sister put me in therapy. She noticed that I was acting weird. For years I was in therapy and I never told them. Like one of the other girls said, I got these feeling that I didn't like and I didn't know how to deal with it. I thought it was dirty and if they found out,they would think I was dirty. By the time10 I went to go live with my brother and he was into drugs.... He had tried to hit on me, but when I realized what he was doing I went to the kitchen and got a knife and sat there on the floor and waited....I guess he realized what he was doing and locked himself in his room. I was so scared. When I was 11 I never kissed a boy..... One day my friends had dared my to kiss this much older boy I went to school with he was like 16.....I was so scared I kept thinking about all the times that guy was kissing on me.....But I did kiss that older boy in school. When that happened I changed I started to kiss alot of boys. My first boyfriend.. Use to touch me all over and he use to hit on me....When I told one of the older ladies that lived on my block that knew him all she had to say was that 'thats the way he shows you that he likes you'. So from that day on thats what I thought was my way of showing guys that I liked them....By the time I was in the 7th grade two boys I went to school with tried to drug me with some over the counter drugs and rape me.. But I fought them off and ran.....When I was 14 I lost me virginity to a 19year old guy who didn't even speak english well. He use to tell me that he really loved me and that I should show him that I loved him too. My sister didn't want me to be around him because he sold drugs.. I was so mad that I had sex with him..I lost my virginity in a bathroom of a group home, isn't that special....I didn't even really like him......I use to make me do thing I really didn't like or even know how to do. After that I went to high school and met alot of guys that I liked.....And I thought that if I had sex with them they would like me to... I would sleep with a guy on the first date....Even before the first date.... I didn't feel right but I still did it...... I know this guy who use to take me home sometime.....He had a big crush on me. He was about 24 and I was 16......I use to tell me that I need to stop talking to all this guys......One day, matter a fact it was 4 of july..I guess he was drunk I needed a ride home and called him... He came to get me .....We were driving and he pulled over....He had done that before ... So I wasn't really worried......He asked me to get out of the car so I can check the tire... When I got out he pinned to the car .......Then he push me into the back seat..... He pulled down my pants and tried to rape me.....I didn't know what to do... I was so scared......I know he had a daughter and all I said was 'think of your daughter and what if someone was doing this to her....You are going to jail.....I swear.' I guess he did think about it because he stopped. I got up and ran, with my pants down....I ran and ran.....At that time I had a boyfriend... I told him what had happened and he didn't believe me....I felt so bad....I was like medical question it.....I know no one would believe me if he didn't......We broke up after that and that is when I met my husband......We started to talk and I really liked him.....I though myself all over him but he didn't do anything.....At that moment I know that I didn't have to sleep around to show someone that I liked them.....I got pregnant by him and I thought he was going to leave me....I didn't think I would have been a good mother.....He didn't leave my as you know we had our son....And it turned out that i'm a very good mother....Now i'm have another one on her way and we are very excited......I think about all the stuff that happened to my and I pray that my son doesn't turn out like does men I dealt with....And I pray that none of this stuff happeneds to my daughter......I know it hard and you never will forget what happens to you... But we all need to move on. If we don't we are give our abusers what they want, 'us to be unhappy'. And I know that my children make me so happy. So please don't give up your baby because of the intensity of the memorys just think of your children as a defeat against that awful man. I know we don't have the same stories but I hoped mine helped you.....I will keep you in me prays........You all have read this very personal story of my life please don't judge me.....You are the first to know....I am a survivor passion

stillsurviving

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Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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Location: Southeast

Y'all Are Amazing Posted: 09-30-03 21:19pm


That was awesome of you passion, believe me, I know where you're coming from -no judgements at all. I remember being in this place where there was all kinds of sexual stuff going on and I didn't even realize until later that it was all before I turned 13. No matter how emotinally felt about it, it physically felt good so I did it. I'm amazed that any of us ever make it to a healthy relationship of any kind. Congratulations on your wonderful family, all of you. This is working wonders for me, I hope it's helpful for someone else out there too.

BabyPassion

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Joined: 28 Sep 2003
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Location: Bronx, NY

Posted: 09-30-03 21:36pm


Thank you very much...... I hope this helps others out as well.....

sparklypixie12

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Posted: 10-07-03 08:27am


Shshs Last edited by sparklypixie12 on 10-24-03 11:07am; edited 1 time in total

BabyPassion

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Joined: 28 Sep 2003
Posts: 94
Location: Bronx, NY

Posted: 10-07-03 08:55am


Thank you, I did have it hard, but I know there are people out there who had it worse.....We are all survivors.....I just wanted to say that what you(sparklypixies) want though is a big thing as while....No one should be scared of someone hurting them... Its a cruel world out there....But people like us,who made it though, give hope to those who haven't yet pass that stage of there live....Keep your head up you will survive passion

sparklypixie12

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Posted: 10-07-03 09:40am


Thank u and god bless liz x

searching for peace

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Joined: 08 Oct 2003
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Posted: 10-09-03 00:31am


Ummm, okay here goes. I too am a victim of sexual abuse. It happened when I was six, at the hands of an older cousin. Am I a survivor of that abuse? I truly don't know yet. Untill I moved away from home last year, I had been able to sucessfully repress the pain and shame. Yet in my later highschool years I had devoloped social anxiety, panic attacks, a phobia of calling people on the telephone, horrible nightmares etc. When I moved from my parents farm to a city, the world brought my carefully constructed wall of denial crashing down around me. I couldn't have normal relationships with the guys I met because to me sex is wrong, and dirty. Anyway, everything got worse untill I finally moved back home. The problem is my parents. They know about the abuse and were very supportive, except they don't know how much it still affects me. I told them I was moving home because I hated my job. They want me to hurry and find another job so I can move back to town, but the prosepect of having to deal with all this stuff again... I have considered thearapy, but #1) I can't find it in my heart to burden my parents or friends with this... To let them know how much pain i'm in. (i hide it behind a good sence of humor). Which leads to #2) I know they( my parents) can't afford to put me in councelling. I don't mean that it's just a lot of money but that they really and truly don't have it. So here I am drowing in this, and I won't take anyones hand for fear that i'll pull them in. I just don't know who to turn to i dread going back to town, but I dread becoming an agoraphibic too. I just thought maybe someone who's been through this maybe has some advice.

BabyPassion

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Joined: 28 Sep 2003
Posts: 94
Location: Bronx, NY

Posted: 10-09-03 07:39am


Sweetie, everything is going to be okay. I think you should talk to someone close about this. Dont worry about it being barren on them, they love you and they are there for you...You can always call a hotline.... 1-800-838-8238...Maybe they can help.....As you know I never told anybody about my situation and and I give you a hands up for telling you parents......You and I dealt with it in to different ways so I really don't know how to explain myself to you.....I do know how you feeling....As for guys not all are bad...You will find the right one at the right time!!!! If you need to talk you can email me passion

stillsurviving

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Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Posts: 4
Location: Southeast

There Is Help Out There Posted: 10-09-03 14:49pm


Searching for peace, i know counseling is expensive if you don't have health insurance there's no way I could do it without it. But I don't think i'd be alive today if it weren't for therapy. A few years ago the ywca in my city offered free and reduced-cost services for women that have been raped or abused in other ways; that may be available where you are, too. There was also a counseling center connected to the university here that charged on a sliding scale. This was a great and really hard step for you, just don't give up and get help soon, you are surviving as long as you're here.