Hi, I'm a 17 years old guy. I was hoping
someone could offer some input into my
situation.
Truthfully, I don't even know if I'm
really depressed. I've just recently
taken several online tests, and they all
said that I might be suffering from
moderate depression. I don't know. I've
never really talked to anyone about it,
and I've put forth good effort to make
people think that I'm ok. The fact is
that I have been relatively unhappy about
my life and who I am for at least two
years now, maybe longer. I think that my
life may have always been unhappy, but I
just didn't realize it. I can remember
some times in my life that I was happy or
felt proud of myself. But I can't really
say that I feel proud, happy, or satisfied
with anything I've done in the past. I
think that I've always assumed that I was
different from everyone else ever since I
started kindergarten.
I believe that the source of my problems
is how I was treated and how I reacted
when I was very young. I had five older
brothers that never respected me, would
always insult me, call me fat and ugly
several times a day, treat me like I was
worthless, like no one cared about me, and
would criticize everything I did. This
was all when I was between the ages 4-10.
My mom would always try to make me feel
better; I don't think it ever really
helped. And I never talked to my dad. I
don't know why (he wasn't a mean person in
any way), but I was afraid of him until I
was about 9 years old; after that I simply
detested him.
I believe that things like this that
happened to me when I was younger have
caused me to have my problems today. I
have a hard time having a conversation
with my friends, let alone strangers. And
don’t even think my friends would be
willing to talk to my about my issue. I
avoid saying anything that isn't literal
because I have a very hard time expressing
my emotions, so people usually think I'm
being serious when I'm not. I feel
inferior to others all the time, even
though I know that I'm not. I take just
about any criticism hard, and I often
don’t believe compliments about me. I
have a hard time trusting people. And it
seems to me that no one thinks the way I
do and that no one really, truly likes me.
And these things, among others, have
lead me to act in ways that I have thought
would allow people to accept me. But in
recent years I've felt that even though
people have accepted "me", it's never
really been me. So now it feels like no
one really knows who I am, and I've spent
so much of my life trying to behave like
everyone else that I can’t tell when
I’m being myself and when I just acting
or which thoughts are mine and which are
those of my friends. So, heading towards
my senior year in high school, my sense of
my own identity has become obscure.
I don’t really care if I ever live a
life as happy as everyone else’s seems
to be, and I could live with this problem
without ever telling anyone, except now it
seems that I spend a third of my time
awake(and a lot of my time asleep)
obsessing on my issues. I can’t focus
on something for more than 5 minutes
without drifting off into a daydream about
my problems. These daydreams often
involve me and another person talking
(mostly me) about my problem and what I
would say if I actually had to tell them.
I could stand having this problem, but
with it always in my head, I’m wasting
so much of my time and I know that I could
do so much more with my life if I could
just get these thoughts to stop. I
can’t afford to waste all this time
doing nothing. I’ve tried not thinking
about these things, but that hasn’t been
very successful. After a while of
avoiding these thoughts, I think a part of
me starts to actually want to feel
depressed, and I’ll sometimes loose
hours out of my day to thoughts of
depression.
And the worst part is that because
I’ve never talked to anyone about this
in my life, I’m not even sure if I have
a problem, or if I’m normal and am just
making a mountain out of a molehill.
Since I don’t feel like there’s anyone
I can really talk to, I welcome any input
someone out there could give me, even if
it’s that I’m not depressed and I have
some other issue.
|
emilymarie137
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2007 Posts: 31 Location: branson
Hey Posted: 05-04-07 18:25pm
I'm 17 too. I understand where you are
coming from. It seems like to me you are
very unhappy.(I'm sorry to hear that) If
you have been this way for over 2 years
then I would say it is depression. I know
how it feels to have nobody to talk to.
I'm in the same boat you are. I'm sorry
that they treated you that way. If you
need somebody to talk to, I'm here.
|
Junokata
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 05-05-07 16:27pm
Thanks for your sympathy. Feel free to
tell me your story too. It'd be useful to
know someone else's expreiences. And just
see it in writing seems to help a little.
The problem with what I said yesterday
is that, now that I feel a little better,
it seems a little harsh. I know that's
the way i felt yesterday, but maybe the
things I remember from my past is effected
by what my condition. The things I said
are not always the way I feel, but it
seems like most of the time. But overall,
I can't really remember what I was feeling
in my memories, so I'm not sure if it was
better or worse than how I remember it.
Something that I touched on before that
(I hope) is abnormal is that I constantly
have conversations with other people in my
head. In thee fantasies of mine, I
usually get the hugs and sympathy that
should be getting in real life, and I
think this may actually trick my
subconcious into believe that I am getting
help. Even though these daydreams
alleviate the situation some, I make me
dependant on them to feel better, which is
a kind of catch-22 because it often makes
me think too much about my problem,
eventually making me feel depressed
again.
So I guess what I need to do is try to
stop the daydreaming and have some real
conversations with people I care about.
Easier said than done because, like I said
before (and it's a shame that your in the
same situation) that none of my friends
really know how to have a serious
conversation. They're so used to me
cracking jokes, which I sometimes do just
so people don't think I'm feeling unhappy,
that they start laughing when I begin to
mention something, because they don't
think I'm being serious.
Well that's all I feel like saying for
now, thanks for reading.
|
ab1018
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 May 2007 Posts: 6 Location: Ohio
Posted: 05-05-07 18:41pm
When you are a child, we tend to believe
the hurtful things that are said to us.
Was anyone in your family an alcoholic?
I'm asking because your comment about
"feeling different" from everyone else is
a common response from children of
alcoholics.
Have you considered counseling? It helped
me immensely when I was about your age.
There is nothing to be ashamed of and it
is someone who can offer you an unbiased
opinion and help in dealing with the
negative feelings.
|
Junokata
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 05-06-07 07:05am
No. No one was an alcoholic. I guess what
I'm talking about is that I usually
feel/felt inferior to others because I had
five older brothers that were better than
me at everything and were often
discouraging. And I still take insults
pretty hard, while I can't usually tell if
people are being sincere when I'm
complimented.
I guess there are two reasons why I
haven't gotten counseling yet: my mom
would worry about me constantly (which I
guess is a pretty crappy excuse and I’m
starting to realize that), and I’m not
sure that I have a problem. I’d say a
good portion of the time I feel the way I
mentioned before and I know for sure that
something’s wrong. But sometimes I feel
ok, and I think to myself that I was just
overreacting to something and that I
probably don’t have a problem. The rest
of the time I just don’t know.
I’m going to try to talk to someone
pretty soon. I have to because I’m
really getting sick of it, and I’m too
busy to be spending so much time being
unsure of myself.
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