Last night(or this morning at 4:30 am)
before I got in the shower I looked in the
mirror and broke down. When I was in the
shower I befriended the blade again. I
realized that I am a monster. The veil of
denial subsided and reality set in. I
really am fat, I really am ugly. The blood
that ran down my arm was the only
reassurance that I am human.
I sicken myself. How can something so
disgusting exist? I feel entrapped in a
web of confusion, and then doubt and fear
sucks me dry. Leaving misery to dine on my
leftovers.
I'd give everything to feel the innocence
of a child again. To see the beauty in
everything as I once did. Before the
truth, or moreso, the illusion became
known. And now there is nothing left to
give.
When ignorance subsides, innocence goes
along with it. It is only human to want
something to grasp. To have a ground to
stand on. And a word or truth to remember.
But what for? Does any of it really matter
in the end? What relevance will it have
when the cold, bony, hand of death reaches
out? But maybe that hand is actually warm
with relief and freedom. For each time we
take hold, the anglels weep and the gods
envy because we are mortal. Each breath we
take is sacred, for it may be our last.
Each sight that our eyes envision, every
word we speak, every sound we hear, etc,
is all sacred. That is what makes even
misery, beautiful.
For every day is like the day of our
death, inevitable.
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lolcakes
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 May 2007 Posts: 5 Location: England
Posted: 05-10-07 18:16pm
You sound like I used to be.
Basically, if you don't like something
about yourself then change it. Sitting
around crying, cutting yourself just isn't
going to make a difference, it makes
things worse.
You speak about being a child as if it's
this amazing thing, but so can growing up
be. There's a lot of negativity in the
world and it's contagious, so you're going
to have to learn how to deal with that
like an adult or your problems will never
be solved. Cutting isn't a productive way
to deal with anything.
"When ignorance subsides, innocence goes
along with it."
That's life. There's also a balance.
Losing that ignorance doesn't have to mean
losing the hope you once had.
There's a lot more to life than the black
and white you described in your post, and
methinks you should take the time to
realise that.
I think the problem here is that you're
overthinking things. I'm not sure why, and
your reasons were limited, but right now
you should write two lists:
One of all the things you hate about
yourself and how you will improve.
The second of the qualities you have and
compliments people have given you. (and if
you don't remember any, that just means
your memory is probably as shabby as mine)
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futurelovers
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 101
Posted: 05-10-07 18:33pm
Do you have any goals and ambitions in
life? Can you CREATE some for yourself?
Even if it's as little as volunteering
somewhere or talking on an online forum
and answering peoples' questions?
When you realize that you have something
to accomplish in life, then you need to
strive for it. Bad times come, but ignore
them. Well, not completely ignore them,
but recognize that they are there and you
are feeling bad, but MOST IMPORTANTLY KNOW
THAT TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.
I've implanted a message of self-delivered
hope in the back of mind, and when I get
down - I STILL KNOW that I gotta live life
and basically do all I can do in the
present moment to improve my condition.
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emilymarie137
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2007 Posts: 31 Location: branson
.... Posted: 05-11-07 05:41am
I know things are not black and white.
It's kind of orange in there. There is no
absolution. I'm not one of those people
who want an absolute right or wrong. It's
about perception and intention. You were
quick to judge. That post was actually
just some prose that I wrote.
My goals and ambitions for right now are
to lose 20 pounds and make it through the
day.
I can be thankful for bad times since
there can be no wisdom without regret. You
can't know happiness without sadness.
Sometimes you have to lose everything to
be thankful. I see misery as a test. And I
try to take as much as possible from every
situation. I just wasn't in my right frame
of mind when I wrote those posts.
Depression can be a great thing, as well
as insanity. Depression has helped me
understand the pain and misery that other
people go through. I have written some
good stuff from misery. I would never want
to be happy now that I think about it.
Happiness leads to complacency. Sometimes
it just gets hard when it's continuous.
One thing after the other with no time to
breathe inbetween.
Cutting doesn't really affect my health in
any way. I don't see it as a problem.
Sometimes I just want to bleed.
Defiance has kept me from killing myself.
I want to overcome myself. I don't want to
let it win. It makes me feel invincible
when I can pull myself out of something.
And you are right, only I can help myself.
But that is easier said than done. I have
to come to terms with the fact that there
is more outside of my head. We are all one
conscioussness experiencing itself. There
truly is no self since there has never
been coherant conscioussness.
|
futurelovers
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 101
Posted: 05-11-07 15:11pm
Well I apologize if I misunderstood your
writings.
You sound pretty smart - I'm sure you can
somehow apply that knowledge of yours into
your life and transform your thinking
little by little...
I once used to view anxiety and depression
as threatening, but now I view them both
as motivational and energizing. I know
that sounds wrong but I programmed my mind
to make me feel more motivated and more
energized whenever I'm in a state of
'despair' or experiencing 'anxiety'. I now
recognize those factors in my life as two
tools that help me wake up and do
something that will change my life a
little towards the better...
