Breakup Pain Is Fracturing My Brain

someone help with some kind words please...

I had this long message I wrote but somehow I wasn't logged in so I lost it. Let's see what I can remember.

I feel your pain, to use a cliche. I went through my first big breakup with my "first love" 27+ years ago. He was my sun, my moon and my stars. We were together for four years. Although we didn't live together, and were separated by distance when I went off to college, we managed to hold it togeter. We were even planning to be married, although we hadn't made formal plans.

Even though I knew the end was coming (we increasingly fought as the end neared) I was still very devastated when it ended. I cried a great deal, was extremely depressed and thought I'd never recover. I kept a diary during that time to help me get through it. My mom couldn't stand him and I'm certain was secretly overjoyed when it ended, so I couldn't go to her. I did have a couple of sympathetic girl friends and some good male friends that I could go to. Do you have any kind of support network?

You must MOVE ON with your life. How? By starting a new routine. I hate to be cold about it but, when you get down to it, she's became a habit you must now break. You may need to force yourself to do something like go to the mall or touch base with a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Meke yourself be around people, even if only for a short time, to take your mind off your misery.

Over time you will gain strength--somehow I gained strength from the pain I went through. It seems to be you're allowing her to treat you like a doormat. You ARE NOT a doormat for anybody!!!

As far as a "sexual friendship" goes, FORGET IT!!!! If you think that something like that will bring her back to you it won't. You'll just end up feeling used and, if you allow it to go on for awhile, you'll become hard and cynical towards the possibilty of other relationships (I speak from experience).

OK, so you're stuck with her for another couple of months. Forget the "let's meet for lunch" thing. Just give her a "whatever". You need to show her that she's a fool to let you go. It may take some actiing (and you may end up driving to a private place to cry your eyes out) on your part but you can do it.

This sounds like your first big break-up and it makes me so very sad when it happens. You'll learn some life lessons, particularly how love is supposed to be among equals and not a "master-slave" relationship (like my first one was).

Good luck and please write back. I hope some of this helps. I think you've known what to do all along, you just have to take that first step AND YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Thank you stranger. It undoubtedly helped on a very high level. I started to cry when I read you reply. It's so hard but to see that it happens to others helps. I will heed your advice as it is from my family as well. Sadly the support network I have is in another state altogether. I must cope with this solo. Thank you for your advice. I won't be a doormat no matter how much I feel I want her. Thank you....\ Where is Clapton when you need him???

I'm so glad I could help even a little.

So your support network is in another state--e-mail them! If I can help (and I'm prolly in another state) please let me know. I'm prolly old enough to be your mom (as indicated by the date of breakup of my "first love") but not having any children (except four cats) I can't offer any motherly advice. Like I said, force yourself to go out and do something, try something you've always wanted to do and you might make some new friends.

You have one big thing going for you and that's that your family seems to be supportive. You will have to go through this solo but I'm at least here and will be happy to be a shoulder to cry on.

This song came out before your time but Gloria Gaynor did a disco (yuck!) song called "I Will Survive". Here are the lyrics:

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

I played this song over and over and dreamed about the day this would happen to me. It did, in time.

If there's a funny part to this, a few months later "he" called me at work asking me how we would handle things if we ever saw each other on the street. I was so lucky I had a chair nearby because my knees buckled. I was so stunned to hear his voice that the first thing I asked him (in an astonished and slightly annoyed voice) why he was calling me to ask me something like this. I said that we'd have to deal with that when the time came and I think I said good-bye and that was that.

The secretary that was sitting there said he was trying to get back with me. The was no way on God's green earth that I would ever consider getting back with someone who was such a manipulative person. I couldn't believe I said that and I knew then that I was on the path to healing.

You will heal in time and it may take until after she leaves. Then "clean house". Get rid of anything that evokes strong memories, or at least rearrange your furniture (that could be cheaper). Get some new wall decorations that reflect who you are. In fact, why not do that now? She doesn't like it, too freaking bad. Assert yourself (you may have to cry privately) but if you can show her that her leaving is just another thing in your life, like cooking a meal or washing your hair.

One of my problems is that I'm a problem-solver and I'm really great at telling people how to live their lives when my own house isn't in order (I have a very special friend who is coping with depression and it's killing me that I can't take his pain away and carry it myself). But in your case I can give you the benefit of my experience.

Do you have enough money to afford another move? You could at least get some empty moving boxes and make it look like you're moving. Give her vague answers if she asks. Sounds like you have no ties to her and a new start may help. At least get your phone number changed and have it "unlisted" and "unpublished". It costs a little more but she'd never be able to call you and mess with your head. Even though I'm a woman I can be extremely unforgiving to my sex when it comes to things like this.

Today is a new day and one day closer until she leaves. How about a calendar with the day she moves circled in some color and "X"ing out each day before she leaves? She wouldn't like that and you might be surprised how much better (incrementally) you may feel. Two months looking ahead seems like an eternity but look how fast the last two months went.

When she goes, reward yourself with something--throw an "I'm free" party, buy yourself a nice toy, rent a DVD that you've always wanted to see, JUST DO SOMETHING! Having survived something like this you deserve something good.

With good wishes,

Camille

P.S. As far as Clapton, I'm still waiting to return my calls . I guess I won't be pencilling him in for lunch any time soon. (J/K)

Camille thanks for your advice. It has helped quite a bit. Mentally I'm a lot more stable now. She ended up cutting out the electricity from the house because it was under her name. She ran out on the lease and doesn't expect to pay it. The situation is awful but I can see a small glimmer of a new dawn. I'm hopeful I can get everything taken care of. She is being extremely vindictive though. Telling all our mutual friends lies about me so they won't talk to me anymore. She called my parents to make them angry at me, which thankfully backfired because they don't buy her b.s. Witnessing her recent drastic actions has really emboldened me and given me comfort with the notion that I possibly dodged a major bullet. I feel a little helpless and lonely since I am completely alone in this situation but I am not missing her as much. It's funny you brought that song up. I played it loud while I packed up everything that reminds me of her. I actually only have my tv my bed and my office left in the house. It's all I can stomach seeing. Camille you seem wise and well. It gives me hope. I'm such a fool. I'm the third guy she has done this to. I felt I could change her, not realizing that in the process I became her doormat. Never again will I lose myself for anyone else.

Hi:

I tried to post yesterday but something happened and I lost everything I'd written!

If you think about it, a break-up and a divorce are pretty much the same thing (except a break-up may be less expensive). They can be amicable or acrimonious. Yours sounds like the latter. In a divorce (and I speak only from observation) the question after custody of the kids is "who gets the friends"? Some of them are your friends from before you got into the relationship, some are hers and some are mutual. They decide whose side they'll be on.

As far as the nastiness she's been spreading, real friends know you and will stick by you. Forget the others unless they realize the error of their ways and ask for forgiveness.

You *have* changed the lock to the door (or had it changed), right? Don't let her come in whilst you're away to cause trouble.

Of course you will still have to endure the pain and I can't tell you how long it will take until you're strong enough to stomach seeing what you packed up. You'll have good days and bad days (maybe good and bad on the same day) and you'll feel like you're riding a rollercoaster. Over time the ride will smooth out.

Do you consider her a major threat to you? If so, you may consider taking out a restraining order on her (that's kind of drastic, I know). If the two of you had some kind of agreement on paper about how the rent was to be paid and she reneged it may be worth your while to go to small claims court.

As far as beng such a fool it happens to everyone at some point regardless of age. But that's how you learn. Sometimes the lessons that really stay with you come from the mistakes you make. A priest friend of mind once said in a homily that there is always loss before fulfillment. That may be of some comfort to you.

I'm glad that you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's prolly a penlight right now but over time it will get brighter and you'll be out of the tunnel.

As far as being wise and well, I thank you for your kind words. It's easy for me to give you advice like this because I remember the pain I went through with my "first love" and your description touched me deeply. But I'm in the middle of my own conundrum right now that may take a very long time to resolve itself. I have to go through this by myself because the one person I need to go to is going through healing from dysthymia (a kind of depression). I have to be supportive and nurturing. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, otherwise I go numb. Or I go to places like this to offer support to people who need help.

Let's see, your first post was 05-10 and today is 05-16. Six days on your path to wellness! Congratulations! Don't forget that you have the power to control your life and choose any path you want. Some paths are good, some aren't so good (and you learn).

Keep posting. I want to hear about your progress.

Camille

hello there,
i feel your pain. the 1st thing u must do is move out of that house. u must. if u don't she will keep playing the love hate game @ ur expense.a broken heart is an awful thing to deal with. mine is broken right now. i am just looking for a listening ear. i am divorcing after 5 years of marriage. i am a mother of 4. oldest 18. youngest 12. it was magic in the beginning & just turned as nasty as can be. the hardest part for me is i truely love him. i will feel stronger in time & hopefully with support from the site it will be sooner then later.

Kathy Terry: I am so terribly sorry about your situation. No one ever gets married to get divorced. I give you hugs from across the country.

You are very compassionate to find within your broken heart the ability to help someone else who is going through a rough time. My heart is broken for a different reason and the only way I can find some peace is to troll (as in fishing) through a couple of forums and specific questions dealing with relationships and giving the benefit of my experience. It’s so sad to see younger people going through the loss of their first love.

How are your children dealing with this? From the age range of the children you’ve either been married before or a single mom. This can be a way (especially with the 18-year-old—unless s/he is still at “that” age ) to draw you together.

What kind of support network do you have (besides this)? Now is the time to enlist their help. If you don’t have much of a support network, do you have someone you trust (clergy, mental health professional, whomever) that you can talk to?

I’ve offered this advice to others and you already may have read it but, when my “first love” and I broke up I kept a diary that I just poured my heart out to.

Please keep posting. We all want to know how you are doing. As meblonde01 wrote, time really is the only healer.

Good luck.

Thank you all for the advice or sharing of your own personal situations. I feel for you Camille and Kathy. Broken hearts are like major wounds no matter what the situation. Even with stitches you still need rest. Camille I do hope you can be strong. Sometimes it can be easier to focus on others while going through inner turmoil. Be careful though and make sure you take time to process those hard feelings. It's what I'm trying to do. I'm staying away from relationships for a while. I went to my folks house to spend the weekend in hopes that a little parental TLC will help me out. I haven't seen her for a week now. She successfully moved out and took everything. I didn't mind it so much, considering that it was torture to look at it. We spoke a couple of times this week and she called me every name in the book. Quite frankly it was the most horrible display of anger I've witnessed. It didn't hurt me as much because I knew it was because she still loved me and she was just hurt. But then she called me today and she sounded so sad and after I hung up I began to cry. It made me realize that it is truly finished, and I may never see her again. There are times where I just lose myself in memories of her. I realize in order to truly move on I must learn and improve myself. I must be stronger and smarter. Life throws punches but the idea is to take them and keep moving. I have been angry at times. Mostly at myself. It's my motivation for change. I know her flaws and I believe that we both made mistakes but she's gone and now it's important for myself to see my flaws and leave them with this relationship. It's just another turn of the proverbial page of the book of life. This may sound crazy but I believe in the ying and yang. Not so much the concept but the philosophy. Because even in he darkest of situations there is potential for light. This is much like the dark side of the symbol. In essence finding that light is all we can do. It is a key to peace. Kathy I hope you see what I mean. If there is a breath in your lungs there is still opportunity for fullfilment. Camille you are truly a kind individual. I hope you know that your help is greatly appreciated. No matter what situation you are in I hope when you look back you can see the good you've done. It will make you smile. I wish you all the best.

quoth enimagnetic:

I haven't seen her for a week now. She successfully moved out and took everything. I didn't mind it so much, considering that it was torture to look at it. We spoke a couple of times this week and she called me every name in the book. Quite frankly it was the most horrible display of anger I've witnessed. It didn't hurt me as much because I knew it was because she still loved me and she was just hurt.

end quoth

Let me get this straight: she calls you once and calls you horrible names and then she calls you again, she sounds lonely and you believe she still loves you.

And she had moved out, took everything, reneged on the rent, cut off the electricity and had ruined your self esteem. And you believe she still loves you? She has a *very* interesting way of displaying her love for you.

<insert gentle shake> WAKE UP, my dear. We're talking mind games here. You said yourself "It's over". If she calls again, be polite, let her know you're kind of the middle of something important and HANG UP!!! If she persists be firmer with her. Change your phone number and if she keeps bothering your parents for your phone number have them go after her for harassment. If she comes over, you're in the middle of something and close the door on her. (I hope you have your lock changed).

I'm so glad you realize that it's time to move on, as hard as it is. Of course you're going to have memories of her but those will fade over time. You've taken up the guitar. Good for you! I tried the guitar but I learned to play piano and I was taught to keep my fingers curved over the keys. I could never get my fingers flat to cover all the strings--they'd keep curving. I think splints might have helped.

Back to the subject at hand. I'm *very* proud that you're getting motivation to move on. The first steps are incredibly painful (all broken-hearted people do), like you've had an accident and you have to do physical therapy to learn to walk again. YOU CAN DO IT BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE STARTED.

I understand the ying and yang thing--what goes around comes around. She sounds like one unhappy person whilst you are healing and rediscovering who you are. I predict that at some time in the future (notice how I couched that), you are going to make friends with someone who will, over time, accept you for who you are and you will do the same thing.

You're prolly too young to know the group The Carpenters. They were my fave over high school and college and I still enjoy listening to them. The sang a song called, "Love Me For What I Am", and chorus goes like this:

You've got to love me who who I am, for simply being me.
Don't love me for what you intend or hope that I will be.
And if you're only using me to feed your fantasy
You're really not in love. So let me go, I must be free.

You didn't say how long this relationship lasted. I had my share of bad relationships and ended up licking my wounds for about five years in between. I guess you'd call me the "cautious" type. My fiancier--I mean fiance--waited five years before we tied the knot (I was 38 by the time I got married). Just take your time.

Thank you for your kind words about what's going on in my life. I've decided to get a book on what my friend is going through (duh, you'd think I'd come up with that idea first off ) so I can better understand him and maybe help him along. I still cry over him every day (not as much as I used to) and, as broken-hearted as I am over him, I find that posting to these forums (and telling people how to live their lives )helps a great deal, especially to know that you're starting to heal.

Please continue to post--I really want to hear about all about your journey towards wellness. Don't feel bad if there are times you take one step forward and two steps back. That's part of feeling better.

Virtual hugs from here to wherever you are.

Sending happy thoughts your way,

Camille

If it makes you feel better I have several friends who have been in failed relationships all their life and remain single. Both of my friends are 46, never been married, no kids. When I feel down, I look at them, being 28, it makes me feel better somehow.

One pattern that I have seen in my failed relationships is that guys were insecure and had problems. Someone like that will end up blaming someone else for their problems and then you are left feeling like you are the failure. Maybe, you are attracted to guys who are insecure, emotionally unstable, or guys that don't know what they want. Maybe you don't know how to leave the relationship even if you have a hunch it is not going to work out. I know I used to be that way. I would stick around just so that I could think I am in a relationship.

You must know what you did if he said I have finally gotten too know the real you. There is probably a little your fault and a little his fault...