I Think I May Be Abusive... What Can I Do? Posted: 05-14-07 22:51pm
I'm 21 year old college student. I've been
going out with a girl for 7months. It's my
first real relationship. We are really
close with eachother, and most of the time
really enjoy eachothers company, but more
and more i've noticed that the fights we
get into are over smaller issues, and they
usually end up with her crying. I can see
myself becoming controling, and I don't
want to be. When I think we're just
arguing, she says I'm yelling. Its like
when I get angry, I lose my common sense,
and I drill my point and I make her feel
as bad as I do. Although I don't feel that
way at the time, afterwords after I calm
down and can see things more clearly. Most
of the time these kind of things happen
when I'm drunk. I can be in control and
having a good time around other people,
but for some reason around my gf i'm
different. She does her share of things
that piss me off, and vice versa, but i
guess the problem is I handle it so much
worse.
Seeing as its my first relationships we've
had our rocky moments, where I crossed the
lines on joking and teasing her to the
point where she gets upset, and things of
that nature, and I feel that I've been
getting better at not making fun of her
and being nice. When I'm drunk around her
though, it always seems to come out. I
guess that means I should stop drinking,
but the fact is, i'm in college, all my
friends drink, I like drinking and
partying, but I don't want to keep
treating her badly. She likes having a
dominant boyfriend, but I think I can take
it too far.
I used to do the same thing to my younger
brother, I never thought it was much until
i've been reading abuse articles, and I
think I can be emotionally and verbally
abusive at times because I am insecure.
we've talked the past 2 weeks about the
possibility that I have an anger issue,
and after our last bout, she said she
thought she may be in an abusive
relationship. That hit me really hard, and
so since then i've been trying to figure
out how to stop it. Its easy for me to say
what I did wrong now, but at the time I
can't. And Its obviously a pattern because
I used to treat my little brother the same
way.
I don't have the money to be going to
theropy. I don't know what to do. I don't
think I'd be able to quit drinking. I
thought I could try stop drinking when i'm
around her, but at college we are always
together so I would basically have to
completely stop. I stilll get angry and we
fight sober, but i've been getting better
at being able to realize that i'm out of
line. I have a hard time deciding what is
worth a fight, I don't want to be a wimpy
guy who just obeys his womans every
command.
I saw that there are some men on this
forum, and so I am wondering what are the
steps to correct this issue before it gets
out of hand. I have never hit her, but I
see it coming if I don't stop this now.
Again I don't have money for theropy, what
can I do? Would reading anger management
books help? To people on this board who's
abuser has gotten better, how did they do
this? I'm a nice guy 99% of the time, and
people like me, but every so often I lose
my temper and I can't think.
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dynamicdebz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Apr 2007 Posts: 41 Location: Sheffield, UK
Posted: 05-15-07 12:09pm
It is hard for anyone to admit they have a
fault, so I congratulate you, that is half
way to solving the problem.
I am no expert but I get the impression
that besides when you drink you are quite
a sensitive young man, you must be to come
onto here & try & save your
relationship.
There are lots of emotional abuse out
there but I think yours does stem from the
drinking.
After looking into your problem
extensively, I don't think you can be
classed as being an abuser. The problem
when drinking is your emotions whether
good or bad seem far worse or better. So
if you had words with your gf, after so
many drinks you will be a lot more angry.
It's difficult to know what to suggest as
there is still obviously a problem there.
If you both make sure that when you are
going to be drinking that nothing will
upset you, let her know what the problems
is & explain you want help & I'm
sure she will support you.
I would like to ask you just how often you
do drink?
I know it is normal for young men of your
age to go out & party I still do it
but perhaps you could agree to have
certain days together & certain party
days apart. Not only will this stop you
getting angry with her but will also allow
you both to miss each other as you seem to
be together a lot of the time.
Here is a site that might help http://www.helpguid
e.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types
_signs_causes_effects.htm
Let me know how you go.
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dave21redsox
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 2
Posted: 05-15-07 19:47pm
I typically drink only on the weekends,
but that may change as its summer now. I
guess I drink too much when I do drink.
But problems and my temper do flare up
even when not drinking, but more times
than not I am drinking.
I think that idea of having
certain days together and certain days
apart is a good idea, I don't think it
would go well with her though. at college
she stays over myplace everynight, but I
don't see her entirely too much during the
day because of school and homework.
Although every second inbetween she is
always trying to see me. I am not
possisive like a lot of the information
about abusers are, I can be controling,
but I like her to have a life of her own
and with me, and I don't think its a bad
idea to be apart sometimes.
I've suggested at times that we
don't see eachother for a night when we've
had a fight, but she gets really sad and
says I don't love her anymore. I guesse
she is a little too clingy for me, but we
all have our faults(obviously I have mine
or I wouldn't be here), and being around
together so much I think makes us fight
all that more often. It is summer now, and
we can't stay together each night and each
day, so it may become an entirely
different story.
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dynamicdebz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Apr 2007 Posts: 41 Location: Sheffield, UK
Posted: 05-16-07 03:45am
Even so Dave, I'm still not convinced that
you re a typical emotional abuser. However
I am not excusing how you make your gf
feel.
I don't think I need to go on about the
dangers of excessive drinking but you
should be careful with it.
Perhaps you could do with anger
management. Take a look at this site it is
a self help site.
http://www.soundfeel
ings.com/free/anger.htm
Good luck!
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-16-07 07:34am
hello dave! its so greagt that you see you
do have a problem and you wan to fix
it.that is a huge step in the right
direction.What you are doing is a tyoe of
abuse.maybe not as bad as some others but
its still abuse. Maybe since you drink and
it comes out you should not drink around
her,like only go out with your friends or
stop drinking period?whatever is best for
you and your relationship.if you want to
save it,I would only drink with my
friends.Have a few nights a week where you
only go out with the guys and you have no
contact so you can't hurt her.tell gher to
go out with her friends and that will help
take the tension away.anger managment and
counceling are very good ideas.if you
can't afford it i'm sure maybe you have a
health department or health alliance near
you who can direct you somewhere to get
help.good luck!
