Pregnancy Community Chat Forum - a Baby Changes Everything.


a Baby Changes Everything.

Medical Questions-> Health Forums -> Pregnancy Community Chat -> a Baby Changes Everything.

Medical Questions

Author

Message

jenniek

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

Joined: 21 Sep 2005
Posts: 691
Location: Salina

a Baby Changes Everything. Posted: 05-15-07 23:24pm


They say a baby changes everything and with that includes the relationship. I"m really struggling right now and can elaborate later if you care but I'm seeking your opinions. I'd like any advice and comments on how you guys kept your relationships together even when going thro the changes a baby brought about. And for those that are no longer in your relationships, what would you have done differently, if anything. I know Krissy has went thro relationship troubles recently and I'd love to know what helped mend that. It seems like things between you and chris are great now.. I'm envious.. But anyways any comments are much appreciated. I'm having a hard time thinking positive right now and all I can do is cry. i need help..

Ingi

Moderator

Joined: 09 Mar 2006
Posts: 8419
Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,

Thanks: 121

Thanked:153

Posted: 05-15-07 23:32pm


Aww, I know it is hard to bring an entirely new life into the world and keep up your relationship at it's former level. Some advice, and it is going to sound very trite - but trust me, I have 2 kids and it is necessary to the basic survival of your relationship (I've tested it!) - you need to make time for you and your partner alone together. No baby. No nothing else. Even if you only get away for a movie. Or a snuggle without the baby and without any baby talk, or any laundry, or anything. No harping. No discussing what needs to be done. Just the two of you. My main bit of advice, for everyone in a relationship is to treat your partner exactly how you would like to be treated. Not in a bitter way, like you do so much for him - just exactly like you want to be treated without holding anything against anyone. If you want him to get up with the baby - you be the one to get up with the baby. Then, after you've done that, ask him if he will do it on the weekend. But only after you've done it for a week. If you want him to do the dishes - make sure the dishes are done. If you want an evening with your friends - give him evenings with his friends. I know this sounds completely absurd - but it works. If you are kind to him, he will be kind to you. Model the behavior you want him to give to you. Until then, be good to yourself. Babies come in small packages but they pack a huge punch on your life. Being the mom is not easy. (((hugs)))

littlesqueaks

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 296
Location: Caldwell, Idaho

Posted: 05-16-07 00:01am


Having a baby does change alot of things and also in the lines of how you think. Though you may not notice it you become mature after marriage then even more mature in your thoughts after having a child. Your no longer spontanious in going to do things together, spending money becomes tighter and all attention and conversation is centered around the new addition to the family. Your alone time becomes slim to non and what alone time you may have there is all the things you need to get done, cleaning, paying bills, sleeping ect... At least this is what I remember from when my were little. I hate to say it but men are like children them selves or it could be visa versa as well. We all like our attention whether it be in conversation, buying things for eachother, going out, going on trips, in the bedroom and ECT... once a child comes into our lives we tend to either neglect our significant others or the significant other neglects us. So it becomes a jealousy factor. Without knowing your situation, my advice is to try setting aside a couple days a month or if able once a week where it is just the two of you. Take some time to accomodate to eachothers needs or wants. Try to get all you can done before putting the baby to bed so once the baby is asleep the rest of the evening is for the two of you. My marriage did not work because of issues with my ex being more in love with the bottle then me or his kids. In my current relationship we have been together for 4 years. Between the 2 of us we have 4 kids. We went through some really rough times in the beginnig trying to find a schedule that fits for us so that the kids would not feel neglected or our relationship would not be neglected as well. If your interested to find out how we got this to work you can PM me anytime. If you don't mind sharing more of what your going through you can write to me as well and maybe I can help you with some more advice. I hope your night goes well and again if you need to vent you can write me anytime. Heather

arcadia

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 4468
Location: Illinois,

Thanks: 1

Thanked:0

Posted: 05-16-07 00:07am


i only skimmed through what .ingi wrote, but i did see a part i 100% agree with. you need alone time with your man. it is essential. without it, you will go crazy. it may seem harsh, but sometimes, we just want to get away from .gabe for a night. just be the two of us like it used to be. we get a chance to relax & just lay around. we try to do this once a week or once every other week. we drop him off with my best friend, .kelsey. we go have dinner, maybe see a movie, go home, have a few drinks, & then we usually end up having amazing sex, then having a cigarette outside along with some great conversation, & then falling asleep in eachother's arms. it's amazing how just one night without the baby can boost our relationship & get rid of the stress from the week. you'll soon notice that you're connecting the way you used to in the beginning of your relationship. communication is key. this will take some work. old habits are hard to break, & it takes a .l.o.t of dedication to start communicating really well. this was mine & .chris's main problem, & we have been doing so good. you have to make a habit of being open & talking about problems you have. even really little ones. because the littlest problems, if kept to yourself, can turn into huge ones. .take time for yourself. you have to have some alone time. hang out with your friends, go the library & read books. take a walk by yourself. if you're with eachother 24/7, you'll start to really annoy eachother & not want to be around the other. he needs to do the same. don't let your social life die just because you have a baby. let him be himself. i always made the mistake of complaining about .chris & trying to change little unimportant things about him. when really all along, i was the one who needed an attitude adjustment. love him, & love every little flaw. love everything about him- even the little things that bug you. .do not dictate the way he handles the baby. this will only cause arguments. don't be a nazi about it. if he does something majorly wrong, that's different. but let him do things with the baby his own way. if he doesn't change diapers the way you like, who cares? if he doesn't dress the baby the way you do, so what? you two are a parental unit.. but you are also seperate parents. let him do his own thing & you do yours. don't be over clingy. don't say too many i love you's, or don't tell him you miss him when you don't see him for a day or whatever. be understanding. .think before you speak. listen. to everything he has to say. even if he's rambling about a silly card game you have no idea about. ask questions. ask him about his day. about work. about his friends. about his family. nothing is going to ever be the same. so don't expect it to be. you probably won't get back the extreme lovey dovey butterflies in your tummy gotta be with you every second of the day can't stop thinking of you stuff. but love is real. & .it takes a lot of work. it isn't as easy as everyone thinks it should be. you really need to make an effort to keep the spark alive. but if you two really truly love & care for eachother.. you can do it. just work at it. be patient. things won't be a-ok overnight.

jenniek

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

Joined: 21 Sep 2005
Posts: 691
Location: Salina

Posted: 05-16-07 00:18am


thanks you guys. everyone of your posts made me cry. But i think it was more of a 'hey there's hope' kind of crying. Its late and I need to feed brayden and go to bed since i work in the morning but i will elaborate on this tomorrow. thanks again

arcadia

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 4468
Location: Illinois,

Thanks: 1

Thanked:0

Posted: 05-16-07 00:21am


jennie, there is definitely hope. chris & i are living proof. you guys can get through it!

Becky

Especially EHEALTHy

Joined: 01 Jan 2006
Posts: 6220
Location: London, England

Thanks: 0

Thanked:7

Posted: 05-16-07 03:09am


you definately need time to yourelves and you need to communicate and say if there is something bothering you. i think this is what destroyed my marriage

jenniek

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

Joined: 21 Sep 2005
Posts: 691
Location: Salina

Posted: 05-16-07 18:32pm


So here the situation, Lately things have been pretty rough. Bac and I don't live together because we are not married yet and Brayden lives with me. We both go to school, work, and then have to manage time for our family. Bac works from 10am-10pm basically every day that he's not in class. This stresses me because by the time Bac gets home Brayden is asleep and they never get to spend time together. Brayden cries a lot more when Bac is playing with him and I think its just because he's not used to him. It kills me to see that he's not comfortable with his own father. I think this is the biggest problem. And then half of the time I just feel like I'm a single mother and its so hard because I am working and going to school just like Bac is and I'm up all night long with Brayden..and its not that i mind because i love him sooo much but its like Bac has two different lives because once he leaves my house its like he gets to do his own things and i'm sooo jealous of that because i don't get that freedom. I don't regret having Brayden, I wouldn't change it for the world..I just wish Bac and I had the same loving relationship we once had. Lately, its like saying I love you, and holding hands is a chore more then something I want to do. And sex. Ha! That doesn't happen. I just get so frustrated with the other things that I don't evn want sex, ever. We talked last night thro text and msn messenger and I think it helped to atleast voice what I was feeling. He came over later that night and we cuddled and slept holding each other..something we haven't done in a long time. It was really nice. I hope things will get better. I'm going to try everything I can. I like all of your advice. I think I'm going to mention to him about setting aside a night a week for just us. That would be great, but I'm going to have to get him to be willing to get off work early. There are so many things that need to be sorted out but I feel so much better that I atleast to the initiative to tell him my feelings. That was a great accomplisment because I like to just keep it inside rather then deal with it. Thanks again, you guys made me feel alot better. Its going to be hard, but I'm going fight as hard as I can for this relationship.

OctoberBaby06

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 02 Dec 2006
Posts: 4613
Location: , US

Thanks: 2

Thanked:1

Posted: 05-16-07 19:03pm

arcadia wrote:

i only skimmed through what .ingi wrote, but i did see a part i 100% agree with.

you need alone time with your man. it is essential. without it, you will go crazy. it may seem harsh, but sometimes, we just want to get away from .gabe for a night. just be the two of us like it used to be. we get a chance to relax & just lay around. we try to do this once a week or once every other week. we drop him off with my best friend, .kelsey. we go have dinner, maybe see a movie, go home, have a few drinks, & then we usually end up having amazing sex, then having a cigarette outside along with some great conversation, & then falling asleep in eachother's arms. it's amazing how just one night without the baby can boost our relationship & get rid of the stress from the week. you'll soon notice that you're connecting the way you used to in the beginning of your relationship.

communication is key. this will take some work. old habits are hard to break, & it takes a .l.o.t of dedication to start communicating really well. this was mine & .chris's main problem, & we have been doing so good. you have to make a habit of being open & talking about problems you have. even really little ones. because the littlest problems, if kept to yourself, can turn into huge ones.

.take time for yourself. you have to have some alone time. hang out with your friends, go the library & read books. take a walk by yourself. if you're with eachother 24/7, you'll start to really annoy eachother & not want to be around the other. he needs to do the same. don't let your social life die just because you have a baby.

let him be himself. i always made the mistake of complaining about .chris & trying to change little unimportant things about him. when really all along, i was the one who needed an attitude adjustment. love him, & love every little flaw. love everything about him- even the little things that bug you. .do not dictate the way he handles the baby. this will only cause arguments. don't be a nazi about it. if he does something majorly wrong, that's different. but let him do things with the baby his own way. if he doesn't change diapers the way you like, who cares? if he doesn't dress the baby the way you do, so what? you two are a parental unit.. but you are also seperate parents. let him do his own thing & you do yours.

don't be over clingy. don't say too many i love you's, or don't tell him you miss him when you don't see him for a day or whatever.

be understanding. .think before you speak.

listen. to everything he has to say. even if he's rambling about a silly card game you have no idea about.

ask questions. ask him about his day. about work. about his friends. about his family.

nothing is going to ever be the same. so don't expect it to be. you probably won't get back the extreme lovey dovey butterflies in your tummy gotta be with you every second of the day can't stop thinking of you stuff.

but love is real. & .it takes a lot of work. it isn't as easy as everyone thinks it should be. you really need to make an effort to keep the spark alive. but if you two really truly love & care for eachother.. you can do it. just work at it.

be patient.

things won't be a-ok overnight.

.I'm agreeing 150% with everything that .Krissy said! You hit everything right on!

arcadia

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 4468
Location: Illinois,

Thanks: 1

Thanked:0

Posted: 05-16-07 19:08pm


thanks! i have learned many a lesson in my 2.5 years with .chris, lol. we've broken up & gotten back together way too many times for all kinds of reasons. this time, it will work. because for some reason, he has given me so many chances to learn from my mistakes & to grow. & .jennie, i am so glad you guys talked. you two will be just fine. just remember to always talk about how you're feeling!!

CaNdItAs CrAzY LaNd

Supporter

Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 3057
Location: like anyone cares, phhht

Thanks: 6

Thanked:0

Posted: 05-16-07 20:11pm


krissy not to start anything or be rude...and i am happy for you but...what do you mean that he has given y.o.u many chances to learn from your mistakes??? i think it takes 2 to grow apart from each of their mistakes and 2 to get back together i think he was just as much at the wrong in the relationship as you were.

jessesgirl

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 2877

Thanks: 16

Thanked:3

Posted: 05-16-07 20:19pm

candita sky wrote:

krissy not to start anything or be rude...and i am happy for you but...what do you mean that he has given y.o.u many chances to learn from your mistakes??? i think it takes 2 to grow apart from each of their mistakes and 2 to get back together i think he was just as much at the wrong in the relationship as you were.

I was thinking the same thing.

arcadia

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 4468
Location: Illinois,

Thanks: 1

Thanked:0

Posted: 05-16-07 20:33pm


i'm not talking about just this time around. this time around was as much him as it was me. i'm talking more about in the past. i've cheated on him, & i have wronged him so many times. i'm lucky he took me back after me cheating, am i not? i'm not saying he doesn't have faults. because he does, & this past time we broke up with his fault, too. but in the past, it's been me. i am not ashemed to admit that i was wrong, & that i was a horrible girlfriend & not very nice person for the things i have put him through. i am not defending him or trying to make him seem saintly. i'm telling the truth. i used to be horrible.

michelle1981

Supporter

Joined: 20 Jul 2005
Posts: 7236
Location: Toronto, Canada

Thanks: 7

Thanked:6

Posted: 05-16-07 20:33pm


I just wanted to say that my husband and i have been together since we were 16... it'll be 10 years this .september. In those 10 years we have had 3 amazing children(and a miscarriage), along with many fights and much more love. we have learned so much about and from one another. A relationship is easy to obtain, but hard to maintain. It's something that has to be worked on daily. One major thing that i have learned is to never keep anything bottled up... but an even bigger thing is to pick your fights. Don't make a huge issue over the silly things. You can express your feelings without the need to put them down. I agree 100% that we all need time alone and time alone with our partners. I'm sure everything will be just fine....