Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8016 Location: Florida, United States
Thanks: 3
Thanked:1
Communication Posted: 05-22-07 16:28pm
i just want you all to know, i do have
another forum that i could post this on,
but I hate it. they're all a bunch
of rude jerks who are sarcastic in every
single post they make. it's an advice
forum and they claim to want to help, but
anytime i make a post i feel like im not
welcome there, so that's why i do it here.
I hope you don't mind, i feel like i make
a lot of silly threads that are no where
near pregnancy related and i don't want
anyone to get fed up while reading them
my question is...
how do you develop better communication in
a relationship?
tommy and i have a wonderful relationship,
we laugh and we joke around and we play
and we make fun of each other and we talk
about absolutely nothing for hours, he
leaves me messages to wake up to in the
mornings when we wont get to talk until
late at night, the list goes on. but one
thing bothers me, our communication when
we argue. we hardly argue, maybe once
every two weeks, sometimes more sometimes
less, it happens.
i like to talk about our problem
once we've cooled off, he sees this as me
dragging things on. i get over
things very very quickly, he takes a while
to cool down and get over things, so i
feel like i'm waiting on him for a long
time to become normal again.
i don't feel like we communicate very well
when we fight and i don't know what to do.
i know every relationship has it's
flaws, and this must be ours, but i'd like
to know how to improve a little?
what do you guys do when you argue? how do
you get over fights? do you talk about it
after you argue or do you just let it go
(if it's something small, even though
you've been arguing about it). have you
had to work on better communication
before, and how did you change it?
i just want to make things better, it
really bothers me. when we fight i try to
talk about it (when were still mad) and
then he gets frstrated and just signs off
without saying anything which drives me
crazy and then i seriously feel
like i go crazy. one day i was so mad i
started crying and i was screaming! i hit
the fireplace and totally... just broke
down. i was so upset with this fight
because it was my fault, i said something
i totally shouldn't have and i was trying
to explain myself and he wasn't having it
so he signed off and left me just sitting
there, upset over what i'd said until very
very late that night. i dont think that's
good, i don't like to get upset like that
and this is why i'd like to try to make
things better. i don't want things like
that to happen. like i said, we don't
fight very often, but when we do i'd like
for it to be a little more controlled.
|
ShiningShannon
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 522 Location: ,
Posted: 05-22-07 16:52pm
Hi Terra,
I think that it is a good idea to cool
off after an argument and then talk about
it. Poeple sometimes say things they dont
mean in the heat of the moment. Believe me
I have said some things that I shouldnt
have said either, but it didnt happen with
my romantic relationship, just a
friendship..so I cant relate to this part.
John and I have never really had a huge
argument before, we just dont argue, and
when something is bothering me or I am
having a problem, then I try and open up
to him about it without pointing fingers
or having a tone...I hate fighting and
arguing and I had seen it enough growing
up and I still see it happen with friends
and family, over the littlest things too.
I am not really sure how to say how you
can develop better communication, because
even though I dont argue with John, I am
still working on the communication thing
myself. It just takes some time, and keep
being honest with him. If he gets mad,
then let him be mad and try not to take
things personally. When you are mad, if it
help you to calm down first then do that
and express to him thats how it works best
for you and try to get a feel for what
ways of communication work best for him.
He may be frustrated to and just not
saying anything.
|
mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 05-22-07 19:30pm
It is important to relay to him (and him
to you) were the problem is. Why something
that was said hurt someones feelings. But,
it really depends on the couple. I'm kinda
a hot head, so when I'm mad I'm not very
good about thinking before I speak. So I
always tell him that I need some time
without him to just calm down and get over
myself (or just cry). Then, once I'm calm
again, I explain to him what, whatever the
problem was, had such an effect on me. But
in the beginning he saw it as me shutting
down toward him. I eventually told him
that I just need 'me time' when I'm truely
upset (or hormonal) and he respects that.
I'm not sure if that is what you were
really asking
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8016 Location: Florida, United States
Thanks: 3
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-22-07 19:37pm
thanks for both of the replies, they were
both great!
that is what i was asking, i just wanted
opinions on what some of you girls do when
you argue.
the thing is, i've just never had to think
of someone elses feelings. it's always
been me, and only me to think of. and now
i have this person in my life who i have
to think about too and sometimes i forget
that! so i'm trying to respect him by
letting him have his time when hes mad, as
hard as it is for me.
i guess there isn't really anything
wrong with our communication, i
just don't like the fact that we argue...
as silly as that sounds. every single
couple argues, i get that, but we didn't
used to ever, and now we do and i don't
like it i
tend to get stuck in the past.
more replies are welcome! i like feeling
normal!
|
AyaMiyaki
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2006 Posts: 8537 Location: Floating on a cloud, United States
Thanks: 217
Thanked:15
Posted: 05-22-07 19:42pm
Aw .terra, .I love you. You're so cute.
Aaron and I argue all the time over stupid
stuff. Usually it's because he says or
does something dumb, and he knows exactly
what pushes my buttons, and I give him a
look and
he says "what?" with a goofy grin on his
face (he knows exactly "what"). Ugh. And
then he angers me off more by trying to
act all cute and sweet and trying to make
me smile instead of just saying he's sorry
or admitting that something just happened.
I'm not one of those "let's pretend it
never happened" people - I want to talk
about what happened so that it doesn't
happen again.
Ugh. I hate fighting.
Wow, I don't know if that helps you at
all, hearing how much .aaron gets on my
nerves...
|
mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 05-22-07 19:52pm
That is alot of what people mean when they
say relationships take work.
Your right, your in a serious
relationship, It really isn't (or wont be)
what you want to do all the time. You have
another person to think about all the
time. "What does he want for dinner" "Did
he want to watch this" Stuff along those
lines. It is alot of negotiation and give
and take. Without it, I don't care how
much you love each other, the relationship
will fail. It is good that
you recognize that now. It does get
easier. You'll learn his buttons and how
he deals with things and he'll learn the
same about you. And as long as you are
compassionate and respect each other
you'll be fine. You will just have to work
out what works for you two.
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8016 Location: Florida, United States
Thanks: 3
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-22-07 20:05pm
thanks girls! every reply is making me
feel 100 times more normal
i like reading about other peoples
relationships and reading about how
arguing over stupid stuff is normal.. it
happens.
i guess nobody likes fighting haha i dunno
why i make a big deal out of things.
|
kaerbear
Most Diplomatic Poster
Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1557 Location: ,
Posted: 05-23-07 10:38am
I like reading these kind of posts so I
for one don't mind you posting them at
all.
As for my relationship, I am the more
hotheaded one and have had to learn to
control that. I say everything that is on
my mind and express every emotion that i
have so it has been hard for me to be with
someone who doesn't open up about his
feelings very easily. I have learned to
be more patient with him if he doesn't
feel like talking about something right
away and he has learned to trust me with
his feelings when he does open up to me.
One thing I've learned that I really value
is being able to say I'm sorry and to not
have to be right all the time. I guess
I'm just lucky in a way that when I do
that he reciprocates and vice versa then
everything is fine again. We almost never
fight for more than maybe half a day and
we rarely go to bed angry. I think we
just do it a lot of the time to let off
steam more than anything. I think he is
just such an even tempered and forgiving
person that I have become that way with
him too and that seems to work for us.
Plus, you gotta love make-up sex. .l.o.l.
Kind of a tangent here but, one thing I've
had a hard time coming to terms with is
the fact that sometimes he really isn't
having deep thoughts when he's sitting
there all quiet. He
really is just thinking about carpentry or
tiling the bathroom or something boring
like that.
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8016 Location: Florida, United States
Thanks: 3
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-23-07 13:02pm
.
Last edited by HcoBrunette06 on 05-25-07 17:05pm; edited 1 time in total
|
sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2712
Thanks: 8
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-23-07 13:22pm
Well, I think its a fine plaace to post
your question. I hope you all don't mind
me posting here because I am thankfully no
longer pregnant, but it is still a very
recent memory....
In regard to your question, here is my
point of view. My dh and I have been
together since I was sixteen. (I will not
say how old i am now-far too embarrasing),
but we have been married now for more than
10 years. We have learned a lot together
about conflict resolution and what works
for us. in the beginning, he would do
anything to avoid confrontation of any
kind. Me, being an Aries hot-head may
have bulldozed him for a few years in the
beginning, I am afriad. I think he
"reclaimed his manhood" for a little while
by getting overly defensive. We have
melloewed out quite a bit over the years.
We do have a few ground rules
1. Absolutely no name calling or
derogatory remarks. Ever.
2. No brown bagging (saving things up and
then bringing them all out at once when
the other person had no idea they were
problems)
3. Never go to bed angry. We will stay
up til 2 inthe morning but always fall
asleep in each other's arms.
4. Time outs are allowed
5. No physical anger (we are both martial
artists, so we would both end up bloody, I
suppose)
This certainly has helped but there are
still times that I stop listening to what
he is saying and start feeling sorry for
myself. There are times, too when he
infers all of this underlying meaning when
there isn't any. Like one day I came home
from somewhere and I had been listening to
a song on the radio that reminds me of
childhood trauma-I don't know why I didn't
shut it off-and when i came in I guess I
had some awful look on my face. He
assumed I was mad that the house was a
mess or something stupid like that, and he
carried it around all evening. I had no
idea he thought I was mad, I was just
brooding, but he never asked me if I was.
It certainly grows and gets better with
time (unless you are my parents
)
Just try to stay open and honest. Say "I
feel like.." instead of "you make me feel
like". I know it's subtle, but it seems
to help.
Don't worry-you are totally normal.
Humans are simple creatures and we really
like to fight and argue.
|
mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 05-23-07 13:26pm
sillyakchick
wrote:
2. No brown bagging (saving things up and
then bringing them all out at once when
the other person had no idea they were
problems)
I am quilty of this. I blame my mother. It
has taken a while but I am slowly getting
better.
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8016 Location: Florida, United States
Thanks: 3
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-23-07 13:36pm
sillyakchick
wrote:
Well, I think its a fine
plaace to post your question. I hope you
all don't mind me posting here because I
am thankfully no longer pregnant, but it
is still a very recent memory....
In regard to your question, here is my
point of view. My dh and I have been
together since I was sixteen. (I will not
say how old i am now-far too embarrasing),
but we have been married now for more than
10 years. We have learned a lot together
about conflict resolution and what works
for us. in the beginning, he would do
anything to avoid confrontation of any
kind. Me, being an Aries hot-head may
have bulldozed him for a few years in the
beginning, I am afriad. I think he
"reclaimed his manhood" for a little while
by getting overly defensive. We have
melloewed out quite a bit over the years.
We do have a few ground rules
1. Absolutely no name calling or
derogatory remarks. Ever.
2. No brown bagging (saving things up and
then bringing them all out at once when
the other person had no idea they were
problems)
3. Never go to bed angry. We will stay
up til 2 inthe morning but always fall
asleep in each other's arms.
4. Time outs are allowed
5. No physical anger (we are both martial
artists, so we would both end up bloody, I
suppose)
This certainly has helped but there are
still times that I stop listening to what
he is saying and start feeling sorry for
myself. There are times, too when he
infers all of this underlying meaning when
there isn't any. Like one day I came home
from somewhere and I had been listening to
a song on the radio that reminds me of
childhood trauma-I don't know why I didn't
shut it off-and when i came in I guess I
had some awful look on my face. He
assumed I was mad that the house was a
mess or something stupid like that, and he
carried it around all evening. I had no
idea he thought I was mad, I was just
brooding, but he never asked me if I was.
It certainly grows and gets better with
time (unless you are my parents
)
Just try to stay open and honest. Say "I
feel like.." instead of "you make me feel
like". I know it's subtle, but it seems
to help.
Don't worry-you are totally normal.
Humans are simple creatures and we really
like to fight and
argue.
those rules sound really great! i'm going
to have to talk to him about those,
because i really like that idea. he used
to cuss when he was mad at me, but i
stopped it right there lol it hasn't
happened since after i told him not to.
he grew up with his dad telling him he was
worthless, that he was stupid, ect. his
dad was a bad man. now.. he doesnt really
take well when someone tells him hes doing
something wrong. i think he's doing better
with it, but when i tell him hes doing
something he gets defensive about it and
gets upset instead of talking to me about
it lol i thank his dear ol' dad for that.
on the plus side, we've been getting along
absolutely great for the past day and a
half. (we usually do, but for a few days
there things were stinking, but they cant
always be perfect!) i was sick this
morning and i got online and he was on
before class and i told him i didnt feel
good and he was sweet talking me i
loved it.
ok ill shut up lol
|
musikmaker
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 May 2006 Posts: 1779 Location: Chicago, US
Thanks: 14
Thanked:2
Posted: 05-23-07 13:41pm
Terra I hated talking to .Dan on the phone
before we got married. We always seemed to
end up in a fight. I think that whenever I
can't actually see someone's eyes it tends
to make me not understand completely what
they are saying.
Dan and I still fight but not as much. My
trick is to bite my tongue. He does some
of the most annoying things in the world
but I am learning to ignore them. I got
one of the good ones though and we have a
very good relationship due to us always
talking to each other. If I have a problem
I tell him (unless I know that it will
just start a fight) and when he has a
problem he tells me.
It all takes time and you guys have plenty
of time.
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8016 Location: Florida, United States
Thanks: 3
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-23-07 13:52pm
I agree!!!
and I'm one of those people who points out
every little thing, I wish I had an ignore
button.
look and
he says "what?" with a goofy grin on his
face (he knows 
)
thanks for the
tips!