i have to start dealing with a problem
i've had since about the sixth grade, but
i really don't know where to start. i'm
just starting to get really scared for
myself, and i've got rowan to live for now
and i can't let myself keep doing this. i
didn't do it while i was pregnant (with a
few exceptions when i got really upset,
and reacted in this way) so i assumed it
was gone. i felt in control of it while i
was pregnant. i sort of assumed once you
have a child you become a good person
automatically. like doing the "right"
thing just becomes your nature, that easy.
well it's not. anyways, i am bulemic,
and i feel like i have no idea how to
stop. i don't even know how people who
have this fix it. all i know is it feels
like an addiction. sort of like a drug.
i can't make a proper choice when the
opportunity to binge and purge is in front
of me. it's not until after i've done it
that i feel like i can think rationally
again, then it's the "come down". the
guilt, regret, frustration over lack of
control over the problem. like drug, i
can't think at the time i'm faced with it.
after i've done it i think "why couldn't
i stop myself?". anyways. i thought once
i was a mother it would be easy to push
these things aside, because i'd be living
for someone else. as it ends up i've been
surprised with the fact that i am still
only human. i'm still a compulsive little
girl. anyways... i don't know how to
tackle this problem, i've been doing it
for so long. i'm scared of getting sick,
and i'm scared of dying. mostly i'm
scared for rowan. i want to be able to
teach her to love herself and be healthy
and i don't know how i can do this when i
can't even be an example. i'm scared when
i think of my future. i use to imagine it
fixing itself one day. now i imagine
myself living with it until it kills me,
and that scares me so much. but not
enough to stop. i don't want it to be my
number one drive. it rules my life
basically. i lie about showering (run the
water and just step under to wet myself
and actually spend the time throwing up
and brushing my teeth etc), and crapping,
just so i can have the bathroom to myself.
i throw up into my hands and drop it into
the toilet so it won't make a splash
(gross i know, but that's how far i go).
i take my toothbrush every where. i can't
just go out like a normal person and enjoy
normal things because i'm always
accommodating my problem. i've heard that
prozzac helps with compulsiveness and is
often used for bulemics. has anyone used
it here? mostly i just finally reached
the point where i can't live with it
anymore, i want it out of my life, but i
have no idea how to start... also i just
wanted a little bit of support and i don't
know who else to talk to about it besides
you guys... i'm actually starting to get
scared. also i'm pissed off. this all
goes back to my childhood, and growing up
with my mother. i remember exactly why i
even tried it and it was because my mom
use to go on how fat and disgusting i was.
she'd yell the most horrible things,
about how my dad left because of me, and i
was a little pig, and she beat the living
sh*t out of me. i know this is where it
all started, and for that i am still so
angry at her. she gave me a complex i'm
probably going to have to deal with for
the rest of my life because she was
selfish, unstable, and cruel and i really
don't know how to forgive her for this.
anyways... thanks for listening. i feel
like a douche bag even talking to anyone
about this.
|
mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 05-23-07 21:17pm
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with
this and I hate that your mother made you
feel so bad about yourself.
It's a disease and a very addictive
feeling. It is a feeling of control. If
you have control of nothing else in your
life you have control over that.
I think that it is a great step that you
are acknowledging it and that it is not
healthy. I think you need to seek
professional help. We will all be here to
help and support you through this, but
only a professional will be able to give
you the tools you need to overcome this.
I'm sorry that I can't be of more help.
But I want you to know that I am here for
you if you need anything.
~BIg hug~
|
ShiningShannon
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 522 Location: ,
Posted: 05-23-07 21:28pm
I am so sorry that you have to go through
this and that you had to deal with that
kind of abuse growing up. I do not know
what it is like to have a problem like
that, so I dont have personal advise, I
wish I did(have advise to give). I agree
with Christy about seeking out some
professional help, you have already done
the most important thing, admitting and
realizing you have a problem that needs to
be sloved before it takes over you life.
You are headed in the right direction imo,
you have stated clearly you want to be
healthy and live your life as a healthy
example for your daughter. I dont know you
that well, but I am here for you also. I
hope that you can find the help that your
looking for. Good luck
Last edited by ShiningShannon on 05-23-07 22:16pm; edited 1 time in total
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8004 Location: Missouri, United States
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-23-07 22:15pm
i love you tanya, you know im here for you
if you need anything.
|
Bridget
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2006 Posts: 10769 Location: ,
Thanks: 53
Thanked:35
Posted: 05-23-07 22:23pm
Tanya, I'm so sorry you're dealing with
this. It's great that you know it's a
problem and you want to fix it though. I
agree with the others, you should seek out
a professional.
You're a strong woman, tanya. I know you
can get through this. Because of this and
the way your mother treated you growing
up, I'm sure you'll do all that you can to
help .rowan grow up to be a healthy smart
beautiful girl.
We're all here for you and we love you.
|
ShiningShannon
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 522 Location: ,
Posted: 05-23-07 22:28pm
IHeartMyBostonTerrier
wrote:
You're a strong woman, tanya. I know you
can get through this. Because of this and
the way your mother treated you growing
up, I'm sure you'll do all that you can to
help .rowan grow up to be a healthy smart
beautiful girl.
We're all here for you and we love
you.
I totally agree
|
Amber*Marie
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Feb 2007 Posts: 1430
Posted: 05-23-07 23:08pm
I wish I had some comforting words to say
that will make you feel better.
The main thing is your already past step
#1 and thats confronting yourself and
telling yourself that you need help. Im
glad you realized you have a problem
before its too late. Your are a very
beautiful lady and you have a beautiful
daughter and I know you can get through
this. Keep your head held high and stay
strong! We are all here for you!
*~*~*~HUGS~*~*~*
- Amber
|
AyaMiyaki
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2006 Posts: 8064 Location: Floating on a cloud, United States
Thanks: 126
Thanked:8
Posted: 05-23-07 23:10pm
Wow.
I don't know what to say exactly, except
that I really admire and respect you, and
I hope that you find a way to overcome
this.
*hugs*
|
Kia
Supporter
Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 6594 Location: Planet Tampaxia,
Posted: 05-24-07 02:26am
*stands up and applauds tanya*
You have overcome three of *the* biggest
hurdles ever.
1. you have identified and accepted that
you have an eating disorder.
2. you have identified and accepted that
it is a problem.
3. you have decided that you want to take
action to help you control the eating
disorder.
let me say you are not weak and should not
feel guilty for not being able to control
this.
it is a known psychological disorder and
very few people can actually do anything
about it alone.
you next step is to speak to your doctor.
prozac does indeed help with complusive
disorders.
people with compulsive disorders also
benefit from "cognitive therapy" which
helps re-train the brains control center.
I don't believe anyone with a compulsive
disorder can ever be 100% cured - for
example an alcoholic can never have the
odd drink of a weekend like most people
and not have the desire (at some point) to
binge.
but with help it is possible to minise the
disorder to a point where it doesn't
control you any longer.
It is interesting that during pregnancy
the urge was vastly reduced.
is the bulimia worse at certain times
during your cycle?
oh and foods high in tryptophan may also
help to boost your natural serotonin
production.
Foods high in tryptophan include: Milk,
eggs, meat, nuts, beans, fish, and cheese.
Cheddar, Gruyere, and Swiss cheese are
particularly rich in tryptophan.
I know you are vegetarian (vegan?) and I
also belive you said you ate meat during
in your pregnancy because of the nutrient
value.
I make an uneducated guess that the eating
of these products also played a part on
the redcution of the control that bulimia
had over you during pregnancy.
in which case it may be worth considering
a 5HTP supplement to your diet. (hydroxy
tryptophan) which you should be able to
get in most health food stores.
trytophan is also converted into niacin by
the body. niacin reduces anxiety.
vegetarian foods with a greater tryptophan
content include
beans, peas, cheese, nuts, sunflower
seeds, wheat germ.
Quote:
Plenty of
carbohydrates in your meals helps
tryptophan get to where it does the most
good: your brain. In order to cross the
blood-brain barrier and get in, carbs are
required. So cheese and crackers provides
a better effect than the cheese standing
alone. Cover your ears, animal friends,
for I am also about to condone eating the
occasional dead bird. Poultry, especially
the dark meat, is a rich (yet very cheap)
source of tryptophan. Add potatoes or
stuffing, and you have the reason
everybody is sprawled out and snoring up a
storm after a typical Thanksgiving food
orgy. But to be able to look your parakeet
in the eye after the fourth Thursday in
November, you can stay vegetarian and
still get tanked up on tryptophan.
Consider that five servings of beans, a
few portions of cheese or peanut butter,
or several handfuls of cashews provide
1,000–2,000 mg of tryptophan, which will
work as well as prescription
antidepressants—but don't tell the drug
companies. Some skeptics think that the
pharmaceutical people already know, and
that is why the FDA is keeping tryptophan
supplements off the
market.
Quote:
Remember that
tryptophan is one of the ten essential
amino acids you need to stay alive. It is
by law added to liquid feedings for the
elderly and all infant formulas. Yet
tryptophan supplements remain illegal. You
can legally buy L-5-hydroxytryptophan
(5-HTP), a nonprescription tryptophan
derivative, at health foods stores. 5-HTP
is quite costly, however. The good news is
that plenty of inexpensive vitamin C
enables your body to convert dietary
tryptophan into your own 5-HTP, and then
on into serotonin.
Quote:
Foods High in the
Amino Acid L-Tryptophan
(In milligrams per 100-gram (3.5 ounce)
portion, about the size of a deck of
playing cards. That is not a large
serving, and in a single meal you might
easily double or triple the figures listed
here.)
Beans
Lentils 215
Dried peas 250
Navy 200
Pinto 210
Red kidney 215
Soy 525
Nuts and Seeds
Brazil nuts 185
Cashews 470
Filberts 210
Peanuts 340
Peanut butter 330 (natural, not
commercial)
Pumpkin seeds 560
Sesame seeds 330
Tahini (ground sesame seeds) 575
Sunflower seeds 340
Other nuts generally provide at least 130
mg per small serving; usually more.
Grains
Wheat germ 265
Cheese
Cheddar 340
Parmesan 490
Swiss 375
Other cheeses tend to be lower in
tryptophan, but are still very good
sources.
wow, first off reading that suprised me, i
would have never thought you had any sort
of problems, you always seemed so happy
etc. I kinda know what you mean with the
addiction, i was anorexic and bulimic for
5 yrs but in 2004 i went to a
psychologist, i went weekly. my bf at that
time knew about it and he told me to tell
my parents and get help, i finally
realized thats what i needed to do and i
told my mom and they helped me get help. I
never actually finished therapy though i
moved in with my sister but they diagnosed
me as depressed and i was on lexapro. In
dec 04 is when i got pregnant with joseph
i was semi recovered by then and was able
to be normal while pregnant. I fell back a
little bit after he was born, i guess
bulimia is a bit different then anorexia
though, when u starve u have like no
energy etc and i wanted to be able to take
care of joseph and stuff. Then i got
pregnant with jordynne and remained
healthy too, but i still have days where i
just wanna go back to those old habits of
starving and purging etc. there have been
weeks here and there were i barely eat etc
because i am not comfortable with my
weight at all. I think the first step
youve done is admitting the problem the
next step would be to talk with someone
about getting professional help. Some
personal questions i want to ask is how
often do u binge/purge and how long youve
been bulimic? you can answer in PM;s or
you dont have to answer at all if you dont
feel comfortable answering them. Bulimia i
think is a little scarier because your
forcing your body to work backwards and
any one time u purge could potentially
kill you so i know why your scared. It
feels harder to overcome when you have
kids and you wanna be healthy for them but
you cant get over the bulimia, you wont be
able to do it on your own though. I would
try and see a psychologist asap. Its hard
to actually talk in person about it so
even writing it out and bringing it to
them will help until you get comfortable.
I have this eating disorders workbook my
therapist had me get, i got the bookstore
to order it for me. there are excersizes
in there etc, and also do things like turn
the negative thoughts into posotive ones
etc. Its better to get it under control
asap because i know you wouldnt want to be
in a treatment center and leave rowan. But
depending how long youve been doing this
they may take blood to measure your
vitamin levels etc to make sure you arent
malnourished etc, because if they feel
your health is at stake they may want to
admit you. If you ever need to talk im
here you can PM me or whatnot, not sure if
you have aol or yahoo. I know what your
going through. And you would think having
a kid would change your perspective and
make you stop but it doesnt always work
like that. I wish you the best of luck and
i hope you get the help you need
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-24-07 09:24am
wow tanya,it's insane to know you went
through all that and are still so
strong,even though you may fel weak.I
agree with everyone and you've heard it
already. Get some help with this so you
can be better for not only rowan but also
yourself!
|
musikmaker
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 May 2006 Posts: 1743 Location: Chicago, US
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
online
Posted: 05-24-07 11:09am
I had anorexia when I was a teenager and
then once my parents found out I devoleped
bulimia because it was easier to hard from
them. I haven't struggled with it since I
became pregnant but sometimes I literally
hate myself for all the weight that I have
gained. So I guess that it is not
completely gone.
When I was recovering I read somewhere
that something like 60-70% of people with
eating disorders struggle with it for the
rest of their lives. I can completely
understand that. I am scared that whenever
I have .Luke that I am going to revert
back to that unhealthy lifestyle. I have
gained soooo much weight this pregnancy
that I may seriously starve myself for
weeks after I have him. I am not saying I
want to but looking at past experiences I
can see this happening.
I can't even remember what made me stop
being obsessively anorexic and bulimic. I
think that it was the support of my family
and the constant compliments from my then
bf and then also my husband (after we
met). It's almost like a mental thing and
I hate that because I want to be in
control of all circumstances. Learning
realxation techniques helps I have heard.
I can believe that.
Anyways, sorry if I rambled on too much
about my fears and stuff but I am here if
you ever want to talk.
|
Jules
Moderator
Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 3689 Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 52
Thanked:57
Posted: 05-24-07 12:34pm
I understand how you're feeling - i binge
eat and although I don't throw up
afterwards (I have tried, but I have a
form of emetophobia so it just isn't going
to happen) and I've tried so hard not to
binge but I can't seem to control myself.
Every day is the same crappy battle over
and over and over again. I tell myself
every day that tomorrow I will be 'good'
and 'normal' but it never lasts long.
Big hugs to you, I know how it feels to
have your life dominated by something like
this
|
Magical Logic
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 2248
Posted: 05-24-07 12:49pm
sorry .Tanya. everyone here has gave u
great advice.
i am starting to believe i have a problem
with food too
oh sweetie, i'm so sorry! I'm glad that
you recognize that this is a big problem
and want to fix it.
Just know that we are all here for you
.tanya! We love you!
|
jenniek
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Sep 2005 Posts: 691 Location: Salina
Posted: 05-24-07 19:35pm
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!
Don't be ashamed or anything, go get help
for you andyour daughter. You can do it!!
And purest green;
PurestGreen
wrote:
I understand how you're
feeling - i binge eat and although I don't
throw up afterwards (I have tried, but I
have a form of emetophobia so it just
isn't going to happen) and I've tried so
hard not to binge but I can't seem to
control myself.:
Binge eating isas much a eating disorder
as the others. The have help out there
for it. You should look into it.
I hope everyone gets help with everything
going on! Best wishes to you all
thank you for all the responses. you
girls are really great.
kia, i was vegan before getting pregnant
and until a month ago i had been following
it for about four weeks. it didn't last
long and i'm waiting until i move out to
follow it again. thanks for all that
info... i've heard different ways of
eating can treat depression and compulsive
disorders and i'm definitely going to look
into that.
tink, i've been doing it since about the
sixth grade though there are different
times in my life where it's been more
serious. it didn't really become that
serious until around tenth grade i'd say.
there are months where i would only do it
a couple times a week, and there are weeks
where i do it a couple times everyday.
also if something stressful is happening
or I get upset. and i am a happy person,
which is why i don't understand why this
thing has such a hold on me.
thank you guys again. i am going to first
talk to my dr so he can send me to a
someone. the idea of talking about it in
person is terrifying. i've only come to
terms with it being serious lately. i've
always sort of treated it as a joke and
laughed at it.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-25-07 12:05pm
tanyaface
wrote:
thank you for all the
responses. you girls are really great.
kia, i was vegan before getting pregnant
and until a month ago i had been following
it for about four weeks. it didn't last
long and i'm waiting until i move out to
follow it again. thanks for all that
info... i've heard different ways of
eating can treat depression and compulsive
disorders and i'm definitely going to look
into that.
tink, i've been doing it since about the
sixth grade though there are different
times in my life where it's been more
serious. it didn't really become that
serious until around tenth grade i'd say.
there are months where i would only do it
a couple times a week, and there are weeks
where i do it a couple times everyday.
also if something stressful is happening
or I get upset. and i am a happy person,
which is why i don't understand why this
thing has such a hold on me.
thank you guys again. i am going to first
talk to my dr so he can send me to a
someone. the idea of talking about it in
person is terrifying. i've only come to
terms with it being serious lately. i've
always sort of treated it as a joke and
laughed at it.
maybe it will make it
easier talking to a perfect stranger and
getting help than someone you know?good
luck tanya and keep us updated on how
things are going for you!
i ment it will be hard talking to the
actual dr. anyways, thanks everyone.
|
neighbours
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2006 Posts: 363 Location: London
Posted: 05-25-07 16:30pm
Tanya, my sister is bulimic and it's had
an impact on mostly her but also all of us
around her so I can basically understand
what you're going through...some of the
things you've said sound so familiar.
You should try councelling...I have to say
that I don't think it did much for my
sister but everyone is different and
people respond to these things in
different ways.
Also, set yourself a proper meal
"timetable". Try to make sure that you eat
at the right times, three times a day. I
know it's hard cos you feel the need to
binge alot but if you can do that and
really stick to it, it'll become alot
easier.
My sister recently got diagnosed with an
anxiety disorder which she's been dealing
with for a long time. I think it either
arose from my mum and how she treated her
when she was younger or from a previous
boyfriend break up which left her broken
hearted.
Anyway, she's still not fully well but she
finds it alot alot better when she's
really occupied during the day. She has
just got a job and she's really in to it
so binging and purging arent her central
focus anymore. Maybe you could find some
sort of hobby or something that takes your
interest?
(sorry to keep saying my sister lol...i'm
just speaking from what I know about her
bulimia) My parents kinda gave up on her
after a while because she'd come home and
just eat everything in the fridge and my
mum would shout and it would become a
viscious circle. Now that she's moved out
it's a lot better but I think it's sad
that it had to come to that. The amount of
stress it caused within our family is
unbelievable but Kate (sister) had to be
the first to say "I want to stop this"
before she could help herself.
You have to really want to stop before
it's worth getting help because if your
heart isn't in it, nothing can stop you.
I really hope you get better, you're not
alone...there are so many people in the
same position as you out there and others
who have been through it already.
I'm sure you'll do great Be proud of
yourself for even coming out with it like
you did, it's not an easy thing to admit
to.
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