Emotionally Drained .. pls Read Me Posted: 05-24-07 12:56pm
long, but worth it.
im 23 and my bf is 33. hes divorced and
has got 3 kids ages 16,15,12. hes been
divorced now for about 7 yrs but neither
of them have re married. he tells me that
she still wants to be w him. she cheated
on him hes really religious and he thinks
she betrayed him and is uan able to
forgive her. the thing is i feel he still
loves her. she doesnt know about me, weve
been toether for about 10 mo. i havent met
any of his daughters. the 15 yr. old lives
with him. if i spend the night during the
week i sneek in. im always there on the
weekends but shes with her mom. ive asked
him repeatedly and he says even though i
did want to be with her, it wouldnt work
out anymore. i cant forgive her. she was
my wife and how could she do that to me
and my daughters. hes still hurting and
its understandable. but thats my
insecurity w him. that he'll run back to
her.
anoter thing is that we constantly argue.
he doen not trust me at all. we work
together, thats where we met. i had made
some comments about some other guy here
before, but that was before him and i got
together. now hes on disability, he tore a
ligament so hell be getting operated. he
calls and checks up. i know for a fact
that his ex had taken him to doctor
visits. i have her number and ill call to
see if it sounds like shes at work. now
that hes hurt she buys him things takes
them food. he denies it to me but im not
stupid. he has yelled at me and told me
medical question you. even though he tells
me this i have never once disrespected him
in return. i let him know that it hurts
and he just says stop acting like a health
question or fool and ill stop too. he
never apologizes he just expects ,e to get
over it. and he tells me dont expect me to
apologize cause im not. hes so stubborn.
macho attitude. ill tell him fine im
leaving, and hell say go ahead do whatevr
the medical question you want. i end up
staying and crying to him. he says he
loves me. dont get me wrong we have good
times. hes afectionate and cute but the
bad out weighs the good big time. we argue
every single day and im not exagerrating.
this weekend it took a turn, he called me
a health forum for the first time. lazy
ass health forum. did not apologize. just
laid me on his lap rubbed his fingers thru
my hair and said i dont want to talk about
what happened. forget about it. i nag him
i know i do. i nag the crap out of him but
i wouldnt if he wouldnt treat me like
this. i give him plenty of massages with
none in return. give him pedicures about
twice a week. i dont mind though. it kind
of sems like i slave over him. hes always
asking me to buy him things. when we get
mad its always somehow always my fault. he
says make it up to me by buying me
something. hell be like something good
about $200. if i get him mad hell be like
add $50 to that. and me like a health
question, ill buy him stuff. i pay for
entertainment because hes not working
right now. when he was working he would
pay and i would pay sometimes too.
i know this is no good for me. ive got a
guy who disrespects me and i dont want
this for the long run but i just cant let
go. i dont know why. nobody in my fam .
likes him. hes met my fam but ive none of
his. i dont know if its a challenge idont
know but im so drained. ive lost weight
and people my fam keeps telling me look
what hes doing to you. i space out alot
and im so tired of it. i want my old self
back. i guess im just scared of being
alone, of what if i never find anyone that
i love and feel this passion for as i do
for him. i feel like if i let go im giving
up. hes asked me before, "heal my heart
its broken dont give up one me."
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sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2690
Thanks: 5
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-24-07 13:08pm
wow, that sounds like you have been
putting up with a lot. He sounds like he
has some trust issues, and perhaps he is
not over his wife. Furthermore, you do
not have to put up with someone putting
you down and swearing at you. You may
think about possibly breaking this off
before things get worse. You said he is
very religious, but the way he is treating
you is very judgemental, and not very
"christian" if you ask me.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Re: Emotionally Drained Posted: 05-24-07 18:21pm
Now, let me see if I have this straight:
You’re 23, he’s 33.
He calls himself “religious” and yet
you stay the night with him.
You have to sneak in to see him.
He has a 15-year-old daughter you
haven’t met yet. RED FLAG
You’re worried that he’ll go back to
her, regardless of what he says.
Although he hates his ex and could never
go back they and his ex apparently get
along enough for her to take him to
doctor’s appointments. RED FLAG
You confront him about things and he gets
angry.
The words “I’m sorry” are foreign to
him. RED FLAG
You fight and there’s some kind of
escalation to the point where nothing gets
solved.
It appears that he takes and doesn’t
seem to give you whatever you need.
He makes you pay to get back into his good
graces. RED FLAG
He wants you to heal his broken heart.
Did I sum it up properly?
Take it from a 50-year-old woman who has
been through several of the things on the
checklist. GET RID OF HIM AND FAST!!! If
a friend of yours told you the same thing
you’re telling us, what would you say?
How would answer the thing about afraid to
be alone?
Why do you have to sneak over to see him?
Why hasn’t he introduced you to his
daughter? That’s a red flag right
there.
Is this your “first love”? It sounds
like it might be. Many first-loves end up
being a “master-slave” relationship,
where one constantly gives and rarely
receives. But the “slave” holds out
for crumbs because those are better than
nothing. My first love was like that—I
had low self-esteem and he was able to
exploit that. When we fought it was
always my fault, but I didn’t have to
buy my way back. I took it for 4+ years
because I figured a bad relationship was
better than nothing. I was terrified
about being alone. Even when the end came
I was devastated, but I knew I was doing
the right thing when I walked out of that
apartment for the last time.
There’s a great deal of difference
between a 23-year-old woman and a
33-year-old man. As you get older, the
age difference (maturity) difference is
less).
It sounds as though you know what you need
to do but you’re afraid of taking that
first step. What do you have to lose
besides a loser of a bf? You have so much
to gain, particularly how to be friends
with yourself. About three months or so
after I walked through that doorway,
scared but still knowing I’d made the
right decision, he called me at work to
ask me how we should handle our ever
meeting on the street. I was stunned that
he called and my knees buckled
(fortunately I fell into a chair). I was
even more stunned because he was asking
such a stupid question and in an annoyed
voice I said, How should I know? Why are
you asking me this question? As you can
imagine that was a very quick conversation
and when I got off the phone, the
secretary at whose desk the phone was
located told me that he was trying to get
me back. There was no way I was ever
going back to him and I realized
everything would be all right.
I had dreams about him for several months
after the breakup and you probably will,
too. I was fortunate to have a support
network of friends to help me get through
it. What kind of support network do you
have?
This is the time to reinvent yourself.
Change your hairstyle—put some
highlights or something in it. Take up a
new hobby, something that forces you to be
out with people. Set some goals for
yourself for something you’ve always
wanted to do. In my case, I visited all
the places that “we” were going to go.
No pangs of anything, just incredible
satisfaction knowing I did something he
would probably never do. Do things that
make you happy.
OK, so you might end up meeting him
somewhere. How will you handle it? You
will rise above him—he’ll want to suck
you into his game and you simply won’t
stand for it. That kind of idea gives you
immense power over him, do you realize
that? You have the power to determine
what you want to be, what roads you want
to follow. You’ll make mistakes along
the way (all people do, that’s why
we’re people) but you’ll also learn.
But you have to be strong and never, ever
take him back. It sounds to me (and I’m
a 50-year-old woman who’s been through
several of these) that he wants it both
ways—his ex and you. I don’t know how
long you’ve been together but what kind
of future would you have to look forward
to? Had I married my first love, I’d
have put a bullet through my head years
ago.
I’ve posted this to other broken-hearted
people but:
1. Don’t EVER be a doormat to ANYONE,
again!!!!!!
2. This guy was a habit you picked up.
Time to break the habit. Habits are easy
to pick up and very hard to put down but
you have to do it.
3. Get rid of everything that reminds you
of him. Make that break a clean and
permanent one.
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting but
it’s like getting all the bad blood out
of a wound (I’d know, as I fell off my
bike this afternoon and bruised myself up
pretty badly. I should start to stiffen
up soon). You have to get rid of all of
it before you can move on. You won’t
get it all out overnight but over time you
will heal. It’s perfectly OK to mourn
the loss of relationship, however toxic.
You’ve learned a great deal from this
experience. Think about trying to meet
guys closer to your age; you’ll have
more in common and I think you’ll enjoy
yourself more.
Just get out there and be with people,
even it means mall-walking. It will
alleviate some of your loneliness (if only
for the time spent there) and you might
get inspired about your makeover. You
don’t have to spend $$$; a change in
attitude, walking tall and erect, and
reminding yourself that you are royalty
can do wonders. It did for me.
You also might consider keeping a journal
to help you get through your misery. Just
pour your heart out, even if it means
writing “I’m so miserable I can’t
stand it” and take it from there. After
awhile the tears will stop.
Please continue to post. I want to know
how you are doing.
Good luck.
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WISHING*
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Apr 2006 Posts: 20
Entices 1 , Good Advice Posted: 05-25-07 12:17pm
We broke up yesterday. He did it because i
finally stood up for myself. I told him
how i felt and hung up on him which he
does to me all the time. I call him back
no answer, left voice messages and text
messages. More than 10 all together and
nothing. The disrespect just keeps on
getting worse because he knows im not
going anywhere. Reading my original post
gives me more strength to let this go and
see how bad it really is. He told me i can
screw who ever i want and that he doesnt
care if all the guys were to gang bang me
here at work. So dis respectful. I would
hate if someone was treating my little
sister this way. Theres no point in trying
to hold on to somethign that never
belonged to me. Im letting him go, and i
would be so dumb if i didnt learn from
this. If is stay with him things are only
going to get worse, for sure. Ive got
amazing friends and my mom that never gets
tired of listening to the same sad story.
Hey at least ill have more money now right
ha ha. Maybe i never really loved him. Im
starsting to think i just had some kind of
bond with him. My previous b friend and i
were together for 3 yrs. And itreated him
the same way that this guy treated me.
Lesson learned big time and i got it back
3x harder. Did i love the way he treated
me, what am i going to miss? Him putting
me down. Belittling me, honeslty what am i
losing. If anything, ill be spending more
time with my family now. I was always with
him. Not one single weekend went by that
we werent together.
If he really loved me, he would want to
lose me. If he didnt want to lose me, he
wouldnt do anythign to jeopardize (srry
sp) that and treating me that way is a
sure way to do that!! Not worth my time. I
deserve better.
God has something better in store for me
thats why he took "peter" away from me. He
knows exactly what hes doing.
Now lets just put this plan into action.
Im going to miss him so much and im going
to try my bestest not to call him.
I dont know why i still want to be with
this giy though?
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WISHING*
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Apr 2006 Posts: 20
Posted: 05-25-07 12:28pm
Entices, by the way the tears havent been
there.
Is it that i already was preparing myself
for this or maybe it just hasnt sunk in
yet.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Moving Towards Wellness Posted: 05-25-07 18:53pm
Hi, sweetie:
First of all, congratulations for standing
up for yourself. I am very, very proud of
you. You showed him who was boss (at
least initially) and he folded. Then,
unfortunatly you folded.
Of course you want to be with someone, no
matter how badly you were treated. I
missed having my "first love" around me
for quite awhile, although I had enough
self-esteem not to call him--and that was
incredibly hard to do.
Have you ever heard of "avoidance
therapy"? I AM NOT A MENTAL HEALTH
PROFESSIONAL, but it works something like
this. You start doing some kind behavior
that you've somehow picked up--say in your
case you want to call him. Then you
associate that with something painful or
bad--say the way he treated you. Every
time you're about ready to pick up that
phone, think of how shabbily he treated
you--think of all that extortion money you
paid (that's what you essentially did),
think of all the terrible things he did to
you. That should be enough to want you to
put the phone down without calling.
From the description you gave, it sounds
like your previous bf treated you the same
way. Why do want to get involved with men
who treat you this way? Nice girls appear
to be attracted to bad boys because they
appear to lead such an--I can't think of
the right word--exciting life style. The
glitter rubs off pretty quickly though and
all you have left is dross (look up
word--you'll see what I mean). If you
feel that you're only worth having those
kinds of men, you wish to seek the advice
of a mental health professional. There
may be something you're subconsciously
doing in making the wrong choice. The
sooner you nip this in the bud the
better.
You don't know how fortunate you are that
your mom is so supportive. My mom
absolutely HATED my first love and when we
broke up I'm sure she was completely
overjoyed. There was no way I could go to
her.
I get the idea that he may not be capable
of appropriately loving a woman. Did you
ever find out why he ended up getting a
divorce? It does take two to make a
relationship work but if one has severe
emotional baggage that s/he won't get rid
of, the other may decide after awhile to
throw in the towel (with any luck, before
it's too late). Don't do the "if he
really loved me" thing--just accept the
fact that it's over and you will learn to
let go.
When I've had my heart broken, I enjoy
listening to music and somehow am able to
find songs that capture my feelings. Here
are the lyrics to a song called "It's
Over" by Boz Scaggs (with a few words
changed) for your situation:
Best of friends
Never part
Best of fools has loved forever
From the bottom of her heart
So why pretend
This is the end
You'll have to find out for yourself
Go on ask somebody else
Chorus:
Why can't you just get it through your
head
It's over, it's over now
Yes, you heard me clearly now I said
It's over, it's over now
I'm not really over you
You might say that
I can't take it, I can't take it
Lord, I swear I just can't take it no
more
(Go away) go away
(Far away) so far away
It's too late to turn back now
And it don't matter anyhow
'Cause I was right
You're to blame
Can't go on the same old way
Can't keep up the same old game
(Chorus)
I'm not really over you
You might say that
I can't take it, I can't take it
Lord, I swear I just can't take it no
more
That song helped me a great deal, because
I imagined singing it to him while he was
stuck sitting on a bar stool and I was
walking around him (in other words, he had
to take it from all sides).
It's very possible that you cried yourself
out because you did suspect that the end
was coming.
Because of a guy I moved 1000 miles away
from where I grew up (I was 29 at the
time). I met him whilst I was on vacation
(he's my best friend's cousin and offered
his hospitality when I was in the area).
We clicked immediately and had the most
wonderful time together. Came the day for
me to go and we both cried. We both spent
money on phone bills (back before they had
pre-paid phone cards) and I decided that
since he couldn't move up there I'd move
to him.
I think the relationship had peaked whilst
I was there because once I got down there
the shine had rubbed off. We were too
diferent for each other. I tried to keep
an open mind to him but he wouldn't keep
an open mind to me. I went to several
things I didn't want to go to (nothing
weird or kinky) because he wanted to go to
them. We started having diagreements not
all that long after I got down there and I
walked into that situation with eyes wide
open. I knew there was a 50/50 chance
things wouldn't go well but I was willing
to accept that.
Anyway, Christmas was a very bad time for
us. I think we patched things together
because neither of us wanted to be lonely.
His behavior kind of changed--at one
sweet then scolding me because of what we
had done (nothing terrible but a little
adventuresome). The next time we would
get into that situation I'd remind him
about how things went before and he said
they'd be different and they weren't.
Before Valentine's Day I realized it was
over. We had gone to the State Fair
because the Christian Rock group he was
part of was performing. I went with, even
though I knew I'd be home late would get
about 4 hours' sleep before getting up to
go to work the next morning. I don't know
that we sat together on the bus trip up, I
think I brought the paper and read it. We
barely spoke to each other on the ride up
and definitely not on the ride back. When
we did speak the conversation was polite
but very strained.
Then he shocked me by inviting me to go on
a dinner cruise for Val's Day. I actually
didn't want to go but I said I would.
Looking back on it, the entire experience
could have made for a great episode of
some sitcom. We sat there as though we
"had" to be together (like we were the
last ones pcked for a sprots team) and
barely spoke to each other. I tried to
pretend he either wasn't there or that he
was somebody else.
There's a movie I watch every Val's Day
and it was going to be on. All I could
think about was being back in time to see
it. I kept hoping we'd back in time so I
wouldn't miss any of it. He just couldn't
get me back fast enough (I'm sure he
wanted the evening to end). God was in my
corner because I got back in plenty of
time.
I think the next evening I called him at
work (he was an EMT at the time) and told
him it was over and we had to face it--I
couldn't believe I was saying that. I
hated doing it over the phone but I didn't
know when next I would see him. There was
sadness in his voice like he still wanted
to go on with it. When I got off the
phone I was completely euphoric, like the
weight of the world was off my shoulders
and I felt like jumping up and down.
I believed I had cried myself out
beforehand. As far as you, my dear, you
just have to take it day by day. You may
be numb right now because you took the
first step and you may end up crying
several times. That's OK. The tears will
dry up over time as you find your center
of balance.
Good luck, and please keep posting.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Camille
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WISHING*
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Apr 2006 Posts: 20
Posted: 05-27-07 16:58pm
i gave in. he called asking me to help him
w something and i agreed. i went over on
fri, stayed the night, on sat we picked up
my niece and did not argue the entire day.
we cooked i cleaned watched the fights and
it was cool. today comes, hes already
awake. he was awake already and i lok at
him and hes watching tv. doesnt even look
my way and so i dont look his way. the he
starts talking about how i dont hug him
and stuff. well i had to go because i have
a party to go to. he gets me and holds me
tight and tells me not to hurt him and if
i wanted to hug him i should have instead
of expecting to get hugged. so thats that.
i iron his clothes and feed him before i
leave.
sad so sad, i know. i dont think its
going to be over until I accept that its
over. if he calls i always pick up. i
carry the phone with me just in case he
calls. i need to be able to see that phone
ring and leave it ringing.
my last boyfriend was not this way with
me. he was the total opposite. i am the
one who treated him this way. i would yell
at him at hang up on him. he was such a
sweetheart but i guess i did want a bad
boy. he really loved me and i know he
would have done anything for me, but it
just wasnt a mutual feeling.
i dont know what needs to happen in order
for me to want to let go. i kind of feel
"well if i have something its better than
not being with him at all." i try to
justify everything because i see it as im
always with him on the weekends. if he was
still being with his ex they would be
together on the weekends. but that has
nothing to do with the way that he talks
to me.we talked on friday and he told me
you need to be very careful with me
because i have 0 tolerance when you piss
me off. and im like " ok baby ill be good
to you." i know im being so ignorant and
falling into that dumb girl category, i
just really need to break this habit. i
just dont know how?
i know that if i go out with someone else
it would be so easy for me but i dont want
anyone else.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Giving In Posted: 05-27-07 18:26pm
OK, you made a mistake by seeing him
again.
Until you make a clean break with him,
this toxic cycle will keep repeating
itself. Is this what you want for
yourself? You're allowing yourself to be
manipulated--are you certain this is best
for you?
YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE A
DOORMAT!!!! My dear, what are you
thinking about?!!!!
Of course you're going to think about him
for awhile. That's natural, but you have
to let time take its course. Make
yourself take that first step again. Do
you realize what you could be doing
instead of sitting by the phone? You
could be learning something new, gettting
together with friends or doing something
that makes you happy. And you want to be
miserable!
I realize that sometimes being in a bad
relationship may feel better than being
alone but you have to get out of it. It
sounds like you're allowing him to
mentally abuse you--again, would you allow
a close friend to be treated like this?
You must be your own best friend and
realize you deserve better.
For awhile you'll feel like you're
climbing up a steep hill and you'll feel
like you're losing your balance and will
fall back to the bottom. You may fall
back a little but you have to pick
yourself up, dust yourself off and start
all over again. Over time the hill will
plateau out and things will get easier.
There is always loss before fulfillment.
Now, march forward, one painful step at a
time. Forget the d**n phone--it sounds
like you're using that as a thread to hold
on to in the event that he may call and
want you again.
Good luck and try to be strong!
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WISHING*
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Apr 2006 Posts: 20
Roaller Coaster Posted: 05-29-07 16:34pm
so we broke up again. he went to pick up
his daughters yesterday and i know he went
to pick up his ex also. of course i got
mad and of course i told him. he told me
he went to the movies with them. i was
calling gim and he wouldnt pick up. he
only called me when he was in the
bathroom. why cant he talk to me infront
of them, because she was there...duh.
anyways he call me about 8:30 pm and says
whats your problem. i answer i just dont
trust you, i dont know if you still want
to be with me cause im always doing this,
seriously. then he says seriously, i dont,
i dont want to argue and lets just leave
it at that. he turned off his phone and
hasnt called me since. hes been ignoring
my phone calls also.
i just cant help but think what if he goes
back to his ex, im going to hate the fact
that im all by myself and hes already back
withsomeone so fast. i know i shouldnt
care and i should be feeling relieved that
im not going to have to slave over him and
listen to his insults.
im gonna try this time, and im going to
try really hard.
its only been 1 day, and of course i cant
expect to be feeling better.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Even Roller Coasters Stop Posted: 05-29-07 19:01pm
My dear, this just has to stop!
GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! I know, so easy
to say but (wagging finger), young lady,
this time I mean it! Am I going to have
to jump through the Internet and take that
phone away from you?
Leave him alone. He's giving you plenty
of signals that he's moved on and you have
to, also.
Please, stop calling him. I don't know
where you're from but he would have great
cause for calling the police on you for
harrassing him. Do you want to have to go
through that--for HIM? C'mon, he's not
worth it.
So he goes back to his ex. Does that mean
that there are no other men out there? Of
course there are! Please reread my
previous posts as I can't offer anything
more. If you want to PM me, please do so
(I think I'm available by PM). I'll be
out of town for the next few days, but
every time you think about calling him,
log on here and spend yourself here. It
may be more theraputic and I think you'll
feel better in the long run.
What about a diary--you can pour out your
rage to it. You sound insecure and I'm
sorry for that. I hope you can make peace
with yourself.
Please keep posting I'll support you as
best I can but keep moving away from him!
Camille
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ladybug2007
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 10
Hello Wishing Posted: 05-31-07 01:03am
You sound like me a little bit. Your
situation with your guy is doomed, it's
unhealthy and you know it. Have you ever
been addicted to drugs, cigarettes,
alcohol, guys, intimacy? I personally
don't have an addictive personality with
the exception of intimacy, BF.
There are certain "bad boys" out there who
will take advantage of the fact that they
see that you are "addicted" to them and
will treat you like s*%^t on purpose just
to see how much they can get away with...
All of my relationships are ok as long as
I'm not into the guy too much. If I want
him more and he does not deliver, like he
does not call me enough, does not return
my phone calls, txt msg, I get FRANTIC. I
get irrationally ENRAGED by the situation
and that's when I would call that guy so
many times that he answers! Kinda what you
were doing with your BF. Think about it
though, every time you call him, you are
expecting him to be sweet, that's why you
go back for more. Once in a while he will
treat you the way you want to be treated,
(like any normal BF) - that's just to get
you hooked. Later he will give you the
same cold shoulder, the same disrespect.
Why you stick around? Because you want him
to redeem himself and treat you right. In
my experience, that will not happen as
long as you stay with him and let him do
this to you. If like me, you like the bad
boys, know that they don't have that much
of a conscience. This is a game to them,
they don't take it seriously. So while,
you are sitting there dwelling on what he
said to you and crying, he is already
thinking about something else...
BAD BOYS WILL NOT RESPECT YOU UNLESS THEY
SEE YOU RESPECT YOURSELF...
I was lucky. After dating my abusive BF, I
met a Mr. Nice guy who fell in love with
me, treated me like a goddes. This gave me
some perspective on how relationships
should be.
