I haven't been to a health care provider,
so it's not a professional diagnosis, but
i'm fairly sure I have mdd.
i've been depressed off an on for the past
three years or so, but within the past
year and a half it's gotten really severe.
It's lasted for weeks and at one point,
months at a time.
Sometimes it's triggered by something
pretty insignificant, and sometimes it
comes out of no where. Each time I'm in
deep I convince myself horrible things
which I know logically aren't true, but
end up feeling like it's the only possible
answer.
These feelings have lead to really
terrible self-destructive habbits and
constant thoughts, planning, and near
attempts at suicide.
As much as I want to escape and just fade
away, all I can think about when it gets
down to it is how incredibly selfish I'm
being and I should just suck it up and
deal with it like everyone else.
In the past 6 months, I slowly began
opening up about these problems. I
thought I had a friend I could talk to,
and I always felt a little better when I
did talk to her when it got really bad
(even though it would usually take me 2 or
3 weeks before I would get the nerve to
say I was feeling like this).
But I haven't really seen her in a month
and she doesn't seem to have the time for
me she always assured she would have.
I know there are ways to fix this.
I know I'm never going to be able to kill
myself, but the constant desire to want to
run away in such a way is really tearing
me apart.
I know my problems are all internal, in my
head, etc etc. But I'm afraid to seek
help because I don't have medical
insurance and I don't want my parents or
the rest of my family to find out about
all this.
People have told me they're sure that
they'd understand, but they haven't about
some other serious issues (not in a bad or
judgemental way or anything) and they have
enough problems on their minds. They
don't need to offer up any more bills to
pay or worry about how I'm doing or
whether or not their daughter might be
nuts or something.
I really want to find help.
I don't want to be like this anymore, but
I don't want anyone to find out.
Especially not after the one person I
thought I could trust seems to have proved
me wrong.
How can I get help without medical
insurance or insane bills?
Please, please help me.
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 773
Thanks: 3
Thanked:5
Re: I Know I Need Help Posted: 05-27-07 06:45am
Hello, seledis.
Welcome to the forum.
You know you need help, which is a big
step you're taking. It's a hard step to
take, actually, but you're doing it. First
of all, you must'n see the fact that you
didn't kill yourself or that you don't
feel capable of doing so as a failure.
It's not a failure. It's so much braver to
choose to live than to kill yourself.
Besides, you're worth living.
But why do you feel like that and why do
you wanted to die?
seledis
wrote:
In the past 6 months, I
slowly began opening up about these
problems. I thought I had a friend I
could talk to, and I always felt a little
better when I did talk to her when it got
really bad (even though it would usually
take me 2 or 3 weeks before I would get
the nerve to say I was feeling like
this).
But I haven't really seen her in a month
and she doesn't seem to have the time for
me she always assured she would
have.
Sometimes it's hard for people to help you
as much as they'd wish to, but you have to
be patient as well. Here at the forum I'm
sure you'll find more people you can talk
to if you don't want to talk to anyone
else in person.
You're correct when you say there are ways
of getting out of that situation. Oftenly,
small things like going out even all by
yourself, taking a walk by the seaside,
having a hobby, etc, can be really
helpful. Have you ever tried anything
before?
Get better
|
seledis
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 May 2007 Posts: 2
Re: I Know I Need Help Posted: 05-27-07 11:01am
It's a lot of things that contradict each
other.
It'll flip from feeling alone and feeling
that it's my fault. Convincing myself
that no one wants to be around me and all
I do is annoy people or stuff like that.
Then it'll go into more of an angry point
of view, where I feel used and ditched and
it's all them, not me. I regret doing
things that used to make me happy and get
bitter for all the nice gestures to my
friends I make.
I feel like a massive screw-up and that no
one will like me if they really knew me so
I keep this mask on. I don't want people
to know how I'm feeling because, really,
no one wants to hang around someone who's
depressed all the time. Who would chose
to deal with that? I don't want to.
So then I feel fake for lying all the time
and acting like everything's so great.
I've gone out on my own before.
Gone to the movies, several times gone to
bars, gone on just massive 3-4 hour long
walks. But the biggest problem is that
when I'm left alone with my thoughts is
when it gets worse. I thought that at
least something like a movie would be
distracting enough or that something like
a drink or two would disconnect me enough
to enjoy some time without out (or at
least forget why it all bothers me like it
does), but it still takes over.
I'm afraid of the idea of medication
because of all the side-effects I've read
about (and the fact I don't have a health
care provider), but at this point I know
the only thing I feel would "help" I know
I'm never going to do.
Thank you for saying it's not a failure.
I feel like saying I'm not going to do it
diminishes my sincerity in wanting to..
But as long as I am going to be around, I
want to get rid of this hurting. I'm
willing to try anything at this point..
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catswold
Supporter
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 404 Location: Flint, Michigan
Posted: 05-27-07 12:20pm
Seledis,
Most cities and towns have agencies that
will treat people with a variety of
"mental" and social issues for a very
small fee (or even free). These
counsellors tend to be MSW's and the like.
We all go thru depressing and lonely
times. Oh believe me. You almost sound
like me when I was young. Call around.
Places like Catholic Social Services (you
don't have to be Catholic) or other social
services and churches with a counselling
staff. Be anonymous while calling until
you feel comfortable. And everything must
be kept confidential. It's the law.
I will pray that you get the help you
need.
God bless you,
Carol
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 773
Thanks: 3
Thanked:5
Posted: 05-27-07 13:52pm
catswold
wrote:
Most cities and towns have
agencies that will treat people with a
variety of "mental" and social issues for
a very small fee (or even free). These
counsellors tend to be MSW's and the like.
We all go thru depressing and lonely
times. Oh believe me. You almost sound
like me when I was young. Call around.
Places like Catholic Social Services (you
don't have to be Catholic) or other social
services and churches with a counselling
staff. Be anonymous while calling until
you feel comfortable. And everything must
be kept confidential. It's the
law.
