Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Would You Take Offense? Posted: 05-27-07 18:26pm
Mother in law came to visit.
Her whole family is very tall meaning at
least 5 foot 10 on up. Her other son
married a girl who is also 5'10. Needless
to say, I am the shorty at 5'4.My husband
is 6'6 and his brother is 6'5.
She has been saying that she wonders if
the child I am carrying will take after my
husbands side of the family. She sometimes
states that Nathan doesn't eat like a
"Lee" , is small and doesn't have my
husband's temperment at all (...Nathan is
very anal - like my husband, so he does in
some ways). She said, I wonder if the
other child will surpass Nathan in weight
and height. She stated that Nathan hardly
eats and that is going to negatively
impact other factors such as development.
I know that but Nathan is still getting
cleaned out due to his poo problem so he
is not as hungry (which we were told was
going to happened). Secondly, hardly any
child can eat like the extremely tall Lee
family. She said that she hopes that this
other child will eat more and that it will
rub off on Nathan. Her other grandchild is
a full year younger than nathan but is in
the 99% for weight and height. He actually
weighs more than Nathan and has a very
healthy appetite. She has no concerns with
the way he is being raised or his growth.
She says that Nathan obviously takes after
my side of the family in personally,
height and weight. I was on the lower
percentile in weight and height.
Her son, my husband, was a "perfect" child
and was opposite of strong-willed. He did
everything he was told and was/is gifted.
Nathan is very smart but he is not gifted
like my husband was/is. I sense
disappointment in that as well. When I
tell them of all the feats my son is
doing, I don't get a "That is good!" She
doesn't say anything. Nathan was such a
great, easy baby and when he was he took
after my husband. Now that he is
strong-willed and difficult, he takes
after my side of the family. It just
drives me nuts and frankly really upsets
me. If Nathan was reading like my husband
did or could put together 300 piece legos
by looking at the directions at age three,
I would constantly here how much Nathan
takes after his daddy and how smart he is.
I told her that perhaps nathan will gain
in height and later look like a Lee. She
shook her head and said, "No" all the Lee
boys were very high in weight and height
from the beginning. I know she really
wants this next child to look and act like
a "Lee."
My husbands family are all genius'. Their
IQ's are all off the charts, in addition
to their heights. My Nathan and I are not
like them. The other grandchild is.I
really hope that the child I am carrying
is not extremely different from Nathan I
hope he is very similar in height and
intelligence. I really feel that the other
child would get favored if he were like a
"Lee". Oh... when she mentioned the whole
development thing in relation to the
eating habits, I couldn't help but think
she probably thinks that's the reason why
Nathan is not a genius like the rest of
them. Both of her boys were hearty eaters
and have extremely high IQ's. Just plain
irritating.
This may sound really trivial to most of
you but when you marry into a family with
ultra high IQ's and very tall people whose
whole identity is in their height, it
affects your life when you are around
them.
I probably am a bit more sensitive to the
height and weight thing because Nathan is
a little small in comparison to other
almost four year old boys. He is very
petite. I am a bit sensitive because he
has the digestive issues and do wonder if
that has negatively impacted his height
and weight. . I was extremely petite, so
my son may just take after me.
Oh...I love my extremely strong-willed
child. Although life is very difficult
with his oppositional behavior, I am so
glad he is the way he is. He has a lot of
leadership potential and is anything but a
little follower! I did tell my mother in
law that I was glad Nathan was
strong-willed and she looked at me without
saying one word - almost like she couldn't
believe I was happy that my Nathan is just
the way he is!!
Sorry for being so long. This is probably
a scattered little posting.
***** JUST GOT A PHONE CALL!! My husband's
brother is pregnant with child #2! I am
happy. They are wonderful people.
Interesting how I was just writing about
them. The other child will be like a "Lee"
in weight and height because both of them
are very tall.
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Willa Weintraub
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Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
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Posted: 05-27-07 19:45pm
how immature of her.I don't know what all
to say except that I would tell her that
no matter what nathan looks or acts
like,he is still part of the family and
she should llove him how he is and stop
comparing him.tell her exactly how you
feel!
jeez. if that was my mother in law i'd
tell her there was nothing wrong with my
child, and that she should grow up and
accept him the way he is or she wouldn't
be welcome anymore. i'd be so annoyed if
my child was being compared with the other
ones in the family and someone said
negative things. i don't think you are
over reacting at all! i'd never let
someone in my family (or anyone for that
matter) attack how my child is like that
without getting hell from me.
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vanessalouanne
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Joined: 31 May 2005 Posts: 2268 Location: ,
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Posted: 05-27-07 21:05pm
sounds like a real nice lady
If all she can do is complain about your
son and say all the what she thinks is
negative traits then forget her... id just
bring up the fact that she, as a lee,
should be a much better grandmother..for
having such iq's she sounds like a real
fool. What did your hubby have to say?
Nate is handsome and he is obviously going
to be an amazing brother by the way he
treats your belly right now and i would
tell her that it is very very sad that she
cant see the all the wonderful things her
grandson has to offer..
oh yea and being tall is over rated lol
at least nate will have a easier time
finding jeans lol.
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kaerbear
Most Diplomatic Poster
Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1557 Location: ,
Posted: 05-27-07 21:07pm
I would think about raising the issue with
her as well if she keeps making comments
like that. In any case, you don't know
yet what gifts your boy may have. He is
still a little boy. Just because he is
not a prodigy now, doesn't mean he won't
have talents or gifts that will come with
time. What a child needs to be successful
with whatever level of intelligence they
have is a feeling of security and healthy
confidence. A kid can be extremely gifted
and intelligent, but without a sound self
esteem, they will not be able to reap the
full benefit of their abilities. It is up
to parents to instill that emotional well
being and centred-ness in their child.
Some of the most intelligent minds the
world has ever known have been packaged in
bodies that were far from perfect. The
most famous genius, .Einstein, didn't do
well in school. Your mother in law should
welcome some diversity in the family
rather than making you and your son feel
like you're on the outside. That said,
there is no guarantee that she will do
that, so you have to make sure you don't
buy into it. Love him the way he is no
matter what anyone says. Encourage him to
develop the gifts that he does have and
teach him that no one is perfect whether
they are short or tall. Even the smartest
people in the world have to work at it.
There are all different kinds of gifted
people in this world and if someone
chooses to judge a book by its cover they
are only cheating themselves.
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ladylee70
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Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Posted: 05-27-07 23:50pm
Thanks everyone for your comments and
support. I now don't feel like I am over
reacting.
Karen, what you said is something I
really need to repeat to myself and also
to the parents I work with. I am a school
psychologist and frequently work with
parents whose kids are atypical learners
or have learning disabilities/difference.
When it comes to Nathan and other members
of my family, all objectivity flies out
the window and I am just an emotional
case!!! I need advice from other people
when it comes to myself or my own family.
Thanks all for providing the advice and
support.
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Mommy35
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2006 Posts: 3165 Location: Vacationland, USA,
Posted: 05-28-07 08:17am
I would be put out a bit. Maybe you could
talk to your husband and ask him to talk
to her and let her know how much it
bothers you when she picks .Nathan apart.
I would give him the old, "if you don't .I
will". That always works for .Mike and
.I
Tell her that he takes after his mommy
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oh_mommy
Supporter
Joined: 04 Sep 2005 Posts: 3697 Location: vancouver island, bc canada
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Posted: 05-28-07 14:15pm
im so sorry your mil is treating you and
your son like that.. i hope your next
child is just like your son (just
hopefully without the digestive problems)
your children dont need her saying they
arnt perfect because they arnt tall.
personally i would hate to be tall shawn
says the same thing.. shawn and i were
both petite and we both wouldnt want
ourselves any other way.
atleast your son wont have to duck
whenever he goes threw a door when hes
older
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kaerbear
Most Diplomatic Poster
Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1557 Location: ,
Posted: 05-28-07 16:05pm
ladylee70
wrote:
Thanks everyone for your
comments and support. I now don't feel
like I am over reacting.
Karen, what you said is something I
really need to repeat to myself and also
to the parents I work with. I am a school
psychologist and frequently work with
parents whose kids are atypical learners
or have learning disabilities/difference.
When it comes to Nathan and other members
of my family, all objectivity flies out
the window and I am just an emotional
case!!! I need advice from other people
when it comes to myself or my own family.
Thanks all for providing the advice and
support.
I know what you're saying. It's hard not
to have some expectations of your child.
I teach special needs kids who are quiet
and have self esteem issues. I was the
same way when I was a kid, although I had
no problems learning, I was really shy and
quiet because of things that were
happening at home. But I still find
myself hoping that my child will be
intelligent and do well in school. I
started reading on my own before I started
kindergarten and was always in special
programs, but I still had a lot of
problems in school socially. My partner
never finished high school. Although he
is smart and a very creative person, he
was never "book smart". So, I can't help
but wonder, "what will our child be
like?". I just hope I can be an
encouraging and nurturing mother and be
accepting of my child for whoever they
turn out to be.
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ladylee70
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Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1912 Location: Boise, Idaho,
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Posted: 05-28-07 18:29pm
Thank you,
I am a bit more sensitive to my child
because I had difficulty in school. I
found out in college I actually have
dyslexia. I have worked extremely hard to
overcome it. I was never "booksmart"
either. I am now just in my field because
of the many years I spent in school. I
will always struggle with my disability
but I compensate quite well now. I also
had an undx expressive speech disorder and
had extreme difficulty expressing my
thoughts in written or spoken word until
around my third year of college, as I
started to overcome my disability.
Although Nathan is still a little too
young to assess whether or not he has a
learning disability, he has a few signs
and has been in speech therapy since he
was two years old. He is doing a lot
better now but I am still worried.
Nathan's father, on the other hand,
started reading very early and was in
gifted programs throughout school. I have
always been a pretty social person and
have an extreme amount of determination
due to my disability. He has difficult in
the social domain and really struggles
with motivation. We are opposite in almost
every way.
My husband's parents and his whole family
are globally smart. It just makes it that
much more difficult when they don't
complement him for coming so far - he had
hardly any words at two years old and was
dx with autism at the time. He has been
undx. He is definitely not autistic and is
a very social child now. So, when I hear
stuff from his parents, especially mom
like I have written above in my first and
second posting it just really upsets me. I
am honestly glad that my son has my
motivation level and social skills (as
much as you can at almost 4 years old). I
really want my son to have the certain
school skills that my husband has. I don't
want him to suffer like I had for so many
years. Perhaps he won't. For now, he is
considered to take after my genes because
of his difficulties, strong personality,
height and weight by my husband's family.
He probably does and next time I hear he
is not a "Lee" it will take all of my
energy not to say "thank goodness" because
I love my child and it's just not right.
I will just have to spare him from the
feeling that he is being compared in a
family of genius' and continue to instill
in him a good self esteem. He is a very
creative boy who already loves art and
drama.
My husband doesn't know when this goes on
because his parents don't say anything
when he is around. A lot of the
discussions happen when his mom and I are
alone and the guys are out doing
something. My husband told me that he is
upset about the whole "Lee thing" but we
will wait until it happens again. It has
happened on several occasions. If it does
happen again, which I am sure it will, I
don't think I will have enough patience to
wait for him to say something but will
probably just go off. His mom is such a
calm- mannered person I will look like I
am the irrational one. I can see her
saying that I misunderstood everything she
was trying to say..
