I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I
know how much you must hurt, as I've gone
through several of those myself (I'm 50
years old, didn't get married until I was
3
.
Based on what you've written, there
appears to be some kind of disconnect
around the two-year mark. Looking over
the past, is there anythng you can think
of that happens to change the dynamic?
It's nice to fall madly in love with
someone at the beginning but after awhile
things have to come back to center. When
they do you really see the person for who
s/he is--it's the same in any kind of
friendship. You don't really have a
friendship until you've weathered some
storms.
Emotional relationships can get very
difficult, I don't mind saying. It's so
easy for sex to get tangled up into it
because, while it is a great way to make
up, it's the worst reason to stay
together.
I moved 1000 miles away because of a guy
(and I was 29 back then). He was my best
friend's cousin and when she told him I
was coming to his neck of the woods he
offered his hospitality. I accepted and
to say we hit it off was a major
understatement. I was there for a week
and we both cried the day I had to leave.
The minute I got in to the door I called
him and I think we spent I don't know how
long professing our love and telling each
other how lonelywe were.
I decided that if we were going to have a
relationship I would move down to him and
I did. I went into it knowing I had a 50%
chance of it moving ahead. What I didn't
realize (or wouldn't realize) is that the
glitter started to rub off before I moved
there.
Not long after I got down there the
differences started manifesting themselves
and over time I realized that our
differences were greater than what we had
in common. The relationship limped along
for a few more months and finally died
after Valentine's Day (I had moved down
the previous September). I don't really
know who dumped whom in my case, I just
know that I went on a tremendous emotional
high for six weeks after it ended. I
think I'd cried for so long before that
when it finally ended I was all cried
out.
Not that it still didn't hurt--I missed
the good times a great deal. I also
realized I had to move on.
I don't understand why you're continuing
to live together for two more months (if I
read your post correctly). How does
someone decide that s/he wants to move out
of the country from out of the blue?
Either this person just wants to get out
of the relationship under a big lie or
he's been planning this for awhile.
Is there anything you can do to start
putting space between you? Can you move
out or have him leave? Is the lease in
both your names? If you can't afford to
move or to buy him out is there someone
who can take you in for awhile?
If he treated you the best of all the bfs
you've had, sister, I am sorry for you.
When you moved to be with him was there
some kind of understanding or promise when
you got there? Were you expecting
somehing from him that he might not have
been wanting/williing to provide? Did you
talk this over before you moved?
If I'm reading your post correctly, you
met him, decided you couldn't be without
him and upped and moved to be with him?
How long did you know him before you
decided to move away?
As painful as it is, you must cut the tie
NOW. Get him out of your life, mourn your
loss, lick your wounds and move on.
Perhaps you have a trusted friend or a
mental health professional to whom you can
talk? Maybe there's something
unconsciously being done to derail the
relationships. Can you find some
commonality in the guys you've been
seeing? You're not just going from
rebound to rebound to keep from being
alone, are you?
It's scary to be alone but you have to
know what *you* want out of life, the
universe and everything. The only way you
can do this is to decide for yourself what
way(s) you want to go. What you will
accept and what you will not, period.
Much of that comes from serious
self-examination (a mental health
professional might be able to help in this
case). Do you have any kind of support
network out there that can help you
through your sadness? I didn't when I
broke up with "him"--all of his friends
who were so kind to me when I first moved
down dropped me. I wasn't surprised--when
I was with them I felt like the outsider
and they really never did anything to make
me feel like I was part of the group.
Good luck and do keep posting. I'm here
and would be happy to listen.
