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billybilo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 5
Location: uk
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My Girlfriend Is Pregnant & I Need Advise!!
Posted: 06-01-07 14:06pm
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Hi,
I have been going out with my girlfriend,
who is 18 years old for about 2 months and
she has just told me she is 6 months
pregnant with someone else's child. I was
absoloutley gobsmacked by this as she is
so damn thin. She is a recreational drug
user and I have known this since I met
her. She takes mostly cocaine but also
ecstacy, speed and marijuana. I have never
really been okay with her taking these
drugs but she's very stubborn and brushes
it aside, plus she's an addict who doesn't
want to stop.
She told me about the pregnancy when we
were first starting getting intimate(she
just stopped and went all coy) so I asked
her what was up. She told me about it, and
I was, well just stunned. Her stomach is
completely flat(I look more pregnant than
her and I'm not fat either). She told me
she has known about the pregnancy since
January and with it being June she says
she's 6 months gone. Since I met her I've
always felt there was something she was
hiding but this was the last thing on my
mind. She said that she wants to get an
abortion but just 'blocks' the pregnancy
from her mind and gets on with her life.
She also told me that she takes speed and
doesn't eat for 3 days so that she doesn't
get fat. I presume that the baby is dead
and is still inside her. Her parents don't
know and they are friends of my parents,
so I can't discuss it with my parents as
she doesn't want her parents to EVER know.
I, myself am only 19 and I'm completely
baffled by all of this and feel out of
depth. I don't know what to say to her and
I don't want to offend her because she is
clearly lost and confused. In truth I am
disgusted with her actions as the foetus
is a living thing and even though I may
not agree with abortion, I feel it is a
better way of killing the foetus than
taking multiple drugs and not eating. With
her being 6 months gone I find it hard to
believe she can legally have an abortion
but she reckons that she can go to a
clinic for 3 days in a nearby city and
have it done.
Can you please help me out as I really
like her and want her to get through this
bad patch in the best possible way. She is
someone who is very insecure, needing
constant reassurance and finds it
difficult to trust people & open up to
them. This is why I'm finding it so
difficult to advise her as I'm unsure of
what approach to take.
Any advice would be fantastic as I really
want to point her in the right direction.
Thanks for your time.
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sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007
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Posted: 06-01-07 14:49pm
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I am guessing that she has not gotten the
appropriate prenatal care. This may sound
like a stupid question, but are you
certain that she is, in fact pregnant?
Have you noticed in the last 6 months that
she has needed to abstain from sex due to
her period, or have you noticed her
needing to use sanitary products? You
sound like a very insightful and concerned
gentleman, and your concern for both her
and the baby is commendable.
At this point the baby could very well
have a tremendous amount of damage done
due to her activities. An abortion may
indeed be the best choice for her, in
light of the fact that she has done so
many drugs while pregnant and the fact
that her status as a proper mother right
now is so questionable.
Best of luck to you in this. Please keep
us posted as to what happens.
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Llewellyn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 1743
Location: NY
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Posted: 06-01-07 15:06pm
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Yeah, I don't know what abortion laws are
like where you are, but I don't think an
abortion would be legal at that point
where I am.
Honestly, I think it sounds like telling
your parents and hers might be the best
thing for her. You're right that it is
probably too late for the baby, but it
sounds like this girl has some major
psychological issues going on and needs
some serious help before she does even
more damage to herself and anyone else.
You say she is insecure. If you tell
someone, there is a chance that she will
get angry with you and feel that she
cannot trust you for a while. However, I
think it sounds like it is worth that
risk. By the sound of it, she is too
dangerous and unstable to go on living the
way she is, and a serious relationship
with someone in that condition would be a
joke. Maybe she can at least get some
medical attention and counseling out of
it.
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billybilo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 5
Location: uk
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Posted: 06-01-07 15:34pm
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Thank you for your replies.
I have actually known her since I was
about 6 due to our parents being friends
but lost contact for quite sometime and we
recently bumped into each other and got
talking etc.
I have no idea about her periods as I'm
yet to have sex with her(she dropped this
bombshell as the mood was arising).
Another thing is that she refuses to tell
me who the father is and insists it isn't
her previous boyfriend who I happen to
know. She says I don't know who he is but
she refuses to say, which I find crazy.
She has told me that she has done 'sexual
favours' for drugs in the past and has
been beaten and burnt with a cigarette(she
has a scar near her vagina) when she
refused to sleep with a dealer. So I'm
left with a terrible feeling that she has
been raped or something and fallen
pregnant and maybe is purposely taking
drugs to block out these memories.
As you can see I am very concerned and
worried about her state of mind. She is
such a lovely person too but has this
other side that she's just recently
started to show. I have no idea what the
best solution is, a big part of me wants
to help but another part questions whether
she's worth it.
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Llewellyn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 1743
Location: NY
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Posted: 06-01-07 15:39pm
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If you are wondering whether or not she is
worth it, you could still try to help her
without necessarily being with her. You
could tell your parents so that your
family and hers can get her help. After
that, it would be up to you whether or not
you wanted to stay involved in her life.
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005
Posts: 4159
Location: Bliss,
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Posted: 06-01-07 16:21pm
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(I just read this kind of stuff and I get
nauseous. What I really want to say isn't
very nicey-nice, so I hope no one wants to
poke a skewer into my neck and stick my
head on the ramparts.)
Step One: Get out of her life. She will
only get help if she wants it, and no
amount of cajoling from you is going to
help her.
Step Two: Stay out, and ignore the
inevitable requests for communication.
Remind yourself that she's on coke, mj,
etc. Do you want to have a girlfriend
who's a coke addict? I know you want to
be supportive, but there's a fine line
between support, enabling, and watching
out for your own ass.
Here's what I would do--(Support, also
known as tough love:) Tell her she needs
help, and refuse to have anything to do
with her until she's gotten it.
Good luck!
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Kypros
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Posts: 373
Location: Leicester
Thanks: 1
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Posted: 06-01-07 18:18pm
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Birch, I can't say that I agree with the
strictness of your approach. although this
guy needs to get tough for the good of his
girlfriend, at least!
You said she wants an abortion; I'm very
hopeful a multiple drugs addict with an
eating disorder can get a late-term
abortion on grounds of maternal health,
foetal health, dramatic change in
relationship with father of baby etc. but
she will need to sort this out as soon
as possible. If the foetus
is dead, or indeed even if it isn't!, it's
life-threatening.
Firstly, decide if you want a relationship
with this girl. Tell her you will support
her with all the love and backing you can
give but in order to be able to be in a
relationship she needs to get help for
herself. It seems clear she's gone a murky
past that needs to resurface and be dealt
with, not ignored. Tell her the risks she
is doing to herself by being heavily
pregnant and addicted to alcohol and
semi-anorexic (????)
Secondly, be firm but fair. Take her
feelings into consideration and try to
get her to trust that you are genuinely
wanting to aid her. She needs to meet you
half way otherwise no help can be given.
I'm sorry I'm brief but I need to leave.
My thoughts are with you.
Kypros.
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nightangel73
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Nov 2005
Posts: 2772
Location: ,
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Posted: 06-01-07 18:21pm
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| Birch
wrote: | (I just read this kind of
stuff and I get nauseous. What I really
want to say isn't very nicey-nice, so I
hope no one wants to poke a skewer into my
neck and stick my head on the ramparts.)
Step One: Get out of her life. She will
only get help if she wants it, and no
amount of cajoling from you is going to
help her.
Step Two: Stay out, and ignore the
inevitable requests for communication.
Remind yourself that she's on coke, mj,
etc. Do you want to have a girlfriend
who's a coke addict? I know you want to
be supportive, but there's a fine line
between support, enabling, and watching
out for your own ass.
Here's what I would do--(Support, also
known as tough love:) Tell her she needs
help, and refuse to have anything to do
with her until she's gotten it.
Good luck! |
i absolutetly agree with you on this one
birchie!
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005
Posts: 4159
Location: Bliss,
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Posted: 06-01-07 19:45pm
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| nightangel73
wrote: | | Birch
wrote: | (I just read this kind of
stuff and I get nauseous. What I really
want to say isn't very nicey-nice, so I
hope no one wants to poke a skewer into my
neck and stick my head on the ramparts.)
Step One: Get out of her life. She will
only get help if she wants it, and no
amount of cajoling from you is going to
help her.
Step Two: Stay out, and ignore the
inevitable requests for communication.
Remind yourself that she's on coke, mj,
etc. Do you want to have a girlfriend
who's a coke addict? I know you want to
be supportive, but there's a fine line
between support, enabling, and watching
out for your own ass.
Here's what I would do--(Support, also
known as tough love:) Tell her she needs
help, and refuse to have anything to do
with her until she's gotten it.
Good luck! |
i absolutetly agree with you on this one
birchie! |
A miracle!! 
Kypros, I've been working with substance
abusers these past six months and if there
is anything I've learned, it's that they
won't get help unless they lose everything
and everyone stands up to them. Sometimes
that doesn't even work. It seems like
anything short of extremely tough love
isn't enough motivation.
I also was thinking about what is best for
this young man. Being involved with a
drug addict, who claims she is pregnant
and refuses to give details, who ignores
her pregnancy (hey prolifers-here's an
actual example of not taking
responsibility!) is extremely
chaotic and not a healthy place for anyone
to be.
If the genders were switched--minus the
pregnancy piece-would we advise her to
leave him? "You deserve better" &
"don't put up with this crap" etc is what
I think we'd hear alot.
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billybilo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 5
Location: uk
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Posted: 06-04-07 08:33am
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Thanks for all the replies there are some
very good points that I have considered.
Having had further talks with her she has
now made an appointment to go to an
abortion clinic on Thursday with me as
support. She told me that she has made 3
appointments in the past but has cancelled
at the last minute as she's been too
scared and has had no one with her as
support.
I have also told her that me and her are
on hold until all this is out of the way.
She says she'll take a new approach in
trying to get off drugs as in the past she
has tried stopping one at a time, now
she'll stop them all.
Thanks for all the advise I'll let you
know how everything goes on Thursday.
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Moo
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 1066
Location: London
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Posted: 06-04-07 08:45am
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She is six months pregnant, she is only
going to be able to get an abortion up
until week 24 and then doctors are usually
quite reluctant to refer her, especially
if she has known since January. However,
as Kyros said she may be able to on foetal
abnormality grounds if it has been damaged
by her substance abuse.
I do not think this story really checks
out - she has NO sign of pregnancy right?
No prenatal care? No doctors
appointments?
If she is infact pregnanct and has known
since Januray then she is being totally
irresponsible. I am very much pro-choice
but she has continuously abused drugs ans
she claimes to have done nothign because
she's scared? having an unplanned
pregnancy IS scary but there is only a
certain amount of time you can ignore it
and six months is usually way after that
mark.
Let us know how it goes
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billybilo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 5
Location: uk
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Posted: 06-04-07 11:08am
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Moo, I can understand what your saying
entirely. All this drug stuff and denial
happened before I met her. I am not
completely sure but I reckon that the baby
is dead inside her, is that a miscarraige?
And if she doesn't get it taken out she'll
give birth to a dead baby. There is a
slight slight bump but I'd say she looks a
month pregnant rather than 6. I have told
her that the choice she has taken is
stupid and that she should have sorted it
long ago. The people(her friends) she
confided in have just said 'get an
abortion' not 'come on, let's get this
sorted, I'll help you in your time of
crisis and hold your hand through it
all(they are addicts too, if you couldn't
have guessed)'. When I told her that I'd
go with her she couldn't believe it,her
face lit up. So, yes she's been scared etc
but also alone. That is the only excuse I
can think of that she has, I just hope it
gets sorted asap.
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Moo
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 1066
Location: London
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Posted: 06-04-07 11:22am
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If the foetus has died then she needs it
removed as it can cause infections.
Depending on the gestation it would either
be classed as a miscarriage or a still
birth - even if she did need surgery to
remove it as it is not alive. She does
need this sorted as you can't just ignore
a pregnancy!
I think you're doing a remarkable thing by
being there for her but I also think you
deserve so much better. Yes she needs this
sorted and it's good if you can help her
but afterwards I'd really look at whethe
ryou want a relationship with someone who
abuses their body so much with
drugs/whether she'll get help. Best of
luck
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Kypros
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Sep 2006
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Posted: 06-06-07 11:07am
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billybilo, you've been an excellent rock
to your girlfriend and an incentive to
act.
If the foetus is already dead and she
gives birth, that is a stillbirth; under
the same circumstances but removed by the
doctor (usually the same way some
abortions are performed) then it is a
miscarriage; otherwise, it's just an
abortion if she goes ahead with it.
It's good of you to keep us informed to. I
always like to know what happens to the
people we help. It's altruistically
self-satisfying, too.
Kypros.
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005
Posts: 4159
Location: Bliss,
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Posted: 06-06-07 12:27pm
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| Kypros
wrote: |
It's good of you to keep us informed to. I
always like to know what happens to the
people we help. It's altruistically
self-satisfying, too.
Kypros. |
Ah, can it be altruistic and
self-satisfying?
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coreenfemme
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 5
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Posted: 06-06-07 12:58pm
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well, i want to go ahead and say that i
have to agree with birch. ive been dating
a man for over a year who used to be known
as part of a toxic trio and i personally
have done mj once about 7 yrs ago, but am
completely drug free since then.
my SO decided before we ever met to quit
drugs bc they were taking him nowhere fast
and if he had an accident at work, they
would throw him out of that place real
quick. he has flat out told me that if i
was ever to try drugs out he would kick me
to the curb bc the only thing i would be
doing is ensuring a jail sentance for both
of us.
dude, the only thing i can say is get out,
and get out now. not wanting to sound
like a health forum or anything, but shes
too far along to have an abortion and the
kid is going to be screwed up royally if
its not already dead so cut ur losses.
a lot of the time people stay with someone
out of feelings of obligation which sounds
like what ur doing, which dont get me
wrong is commendable, but ur just a kid
and need to work on getting ur own life
together bc trust me all she is going to
do if she really is doped out and has had
all kinds of traumatic things done to her,
is take you down with her.
i recently saw a movie i would def.
recommend, its called the basketball
diaries. def. gives a whole new
perspective to what people do to
themselves and how low they have to go
before they pick themselves up.
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Jules
Moderator
Joined: 19 Aug 2006
Posts: 3840
Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 91
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Posted: 06-06-07 13:02pm
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| Birch
wrote: | | Kypros
wrote: |
It's good of you to keep us informed to. I
always like to know what happens to the
people we help. It's altruistically
self-satisfying, too.
Kypros. |
Ah, can it be altruistic and
self-satisfying? |
Hee hee, I was going to say the same thing
but thought I might come across as
pedantic...but we all know what you're
like, Birch...
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004
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Posted: 06-06-07 13:23pm
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It is great to know that she has a friend
like you to depend on but please be
careful! I hope that she can get this
pregnancy, miscarriage or whatever happens
there out of the way and she can get into
some type of rehabilitation and get off of
these drugs. Some pregnant females do not
start showing alot until later on in there
pregnancy but you generally always feel
movement by 6 months, pretty much every
pregnancy is different. I do agree though,
if the fetus is dead, the dr does need to
remove it! Please keep us posted and let
us know what happens. We are here for you!
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n_m_zia_girl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 11
Location: AR, United States
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Advice
Posted: 06-06-07 13:37pm
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Yeah, I don't really have advice for your
girlfriend, because what sort of woman
would do that? If you don't want the
child, don't get pregnant in the first
place, and if you do get pregnant and
don't want the child, try to go about it
in the most humane way and get an abortion
while it's still early.
As for you, just from reading your
post you sound fairly intelligent. You are
just 19 years old, and sorry man, but you
don't need someone who is hooked on drugs
and doesn't even care enough about life to
take care of herself or her child. What if
she were to become pregnant by you? Do you
think she would tell you? Do you think
she would continue with the drugs and hurt
or even kill the child? I can't imanage
that would make you feel very good. There
are plenty of good women out there who
respect themselves enough so that they are
not hooked on drugs or disrespecting their
bodies in such ways. If you have only been
with her a few months and she has already
kept such a HUGE secert from you and put
this sort of worry and stress on you, then
what could the future hold?
Sorry to be so harsh man, but you need
to think about such things. Don't worry
about her so much, because she doesn't
even care about her self. You need to
worry about yourself and what's best for
you. Don't get stuck in something that
you'll regret for the rest of your life.
Hope you heed this advice and all works
out for you.
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ihavequestions123
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 27
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Posted: 09-29-08 23:38pm
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did she take a pregnancy test? because i
know that when girls are that skinny and
has habits like hers, it is possible for
them to just stop getting their period.
plus i highly doubt that there is any way
that she is 6 monthes pregnant, and has
absolutely no signs.
also, i understand i have known her a long
time and are friends with her, but are you
sure this is the type of girl u want to be
with? i mean my god, cocaine, mj and shes
says shes 6 months pregnant and doesnt
care?
be a good friend and try to help her, but
i think u seriously need to think about
being in a relationship with this girl,
maybe reconsider?
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