What the Hell's Wrong W/ Him? Posted: 02-26-04 15:13pm
Okay, it's ashleigh, anyways.....I haven't
had much time to post or read any, but i'm
in quite a situation. Okay, I love my
boyfriend more than anything in the world
and I want to have his children one day,
we're planning to get married when we're
both through completely with college...But
he's like really different than anyone
i've ever been with. He hates my
friends, except for one, he doesn't like
me to be anywhere without him, he always
makes me "put it on his life" that i'll be
with him forever. I mean, he truly makes
me happy...Like no one ever has, he's also
completely calmed me down. I mean, i'd
never think about cheating on him or
hurting me, and for the first time in my
life I put someone else before me...It's
really weird! Just like last night, he,
I and like 5 of our friends all went to
shoot some pool, when I was getting change
for the dollar, some guys came over to me
and started asking me all these quesitons,
I made it completely clear that I was with
derek and he was sittting just a few feet
away, well, derek saw and went
psycho......He tried to fight all 4 of
those guys, but before that happened, he
was yelling at me at the top of his lungs,
everyone could hear him, I was so
embarassed and then those guys came back
and started talking caca to derek because
he was "disrespecting me" and shouldn't
be, anyways....As if I did something
wrong, I had to kiss his ass all night
long, so that he wouldn't be mad at me
today....I shouldn't have to do that, nor
should he....I just don't know what to do
and if anyone has been or is in a
relationship similiar with any advice,
please help!!!
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insurancegirl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Sep 2003 Posts: 5286
Posted: 02-26-04 15:30pm
Last edited by insurancegirl on 10-07-04 14:55pm; edited 1 time in total
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Mesmerizeu15
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Aug 2003 Posts: 2729 Location: Pittsburgh,PA
Posted: 02-26-04 15:30pm
Wow, that is a hard one, for once I dont
think I know what to say
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Darling
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Sep 2003 Posts: 875
Posted: 02-26-04 15:32pm
What really scares me about your situation
is that I fear at some point he could turn
that violence onto you. He sounds like he
is very insecure and has a massive control
problem. I'm not saying your boyfriend is
going to abuse you but many men who have
control issues turn to abuse to gain even
more control over their women. Here are
some warning signs that I hope you don't
take offense to that I found ((its
long!!)):
is your partner controlling? Is it hard
for you to understand the difference
between caring and control, or are you in
denial because you love him or her?
Control has nothing to do with love or
care, but has everything to do with lust
for power, fears and insecurity. It is
common for controlling partners to claim
that they behave that way because they
love you so much, but love is not about
imprisoning your individualism. Love is
accepting you for who you are and giving
the freedom you need to grow as a person
and accomplish your life goals.
Extreme jealousy is a big sign that a
partner will probably become controlling
jealousy is an expression of insecurity
that your partner has in him or herself
and it has nothing to do with you
personally. Unless you give your lover
good reason to feel jealous, there is no
right reason for them to take their
insecurities out on you and you should
talk to them about it early in the
relationship before it gets out of
control.
Keeping track of where you go and for how
long is a sign of control. By knowing
where you go and dictating how long you
can be out, your partner feels relieved
because they feel in power of the
relationship. However, relationships are
not about having power or being in charge-
it is about working together and
respecting each other.
If your partner tells you what to wear or
constantly criticizes you for what you are
wearing until you go change, he or she is
keeping you from expressing your
personality and style, which would be
another sign of control. If this happens
to you, it is important that you talk to
your partner and tell them that you feel
good about the way you dress and it is an
expression of who you are- and you do not
believe in changing that and need them to
accept you.
Telling you who you can and cannot be
friends with is not okay and it is a
decision you should be able to make
yourself. Giving an opinion and telling
you what to do are two different things.
Your lover has a right to their opinion
and suggestions, but cannot be the one to
make choices for you, for it would be
robbing you of your personal rights.
The behavior of scrutinizing everything
you do and directing you on what you can
and cannot do is an obvious sign that your
partner is controlling you. He or she may
claim they do this because they love you
and are looking out for you- but this is
not the real reason. Telling you what to
do all the time is about fear. Your
partner is afraid of not having full
control over everything that happens in
their life, so they feel they are securing
themselves from unpredictability and
unpleasant surprises by keeping close
watch on you.
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KissyBai912
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Aug 2003 Posts: 1762 Location: Venice, Florida
Posted: 02-26-04 17:38pm
Hey hun, sorry to say but it sounds like
an abusive relationship. I don't mean
physically. I understand that he makes
you happy but do you want someone
controlling your life? Do you think he
makes you happy because you have low self
esteem? I applaud those guys for getting
on his ass about disrespecting you. No
guy has a right to do that. None. You
don't even wanna know what I would do if
anyone ever spoke to me in any manner such
as the one you described. And if he heard
the whole thing, and heard you make it
clear you weren't available, why did he go
off like that? Girl I think maybe you
should try getting your guy some
counseling because it does not sound like
yall r headed down a happy road. But it
might be fixable! I don't mean to sound
blunt or rude, those are by noe means my
intentions, but I just think you need to
look out for yourself and maybe stand up
for yourself once in a while. Because he
doesn't want you to hang out with all your
friends....Are you ok with that? My mom
always told me "boyfriends will come and
go but real friends last forever" this guy
could dump you one day (not saying he
will) and then you might be left with no
friends to turn to. Now I know that
nobody wants that. But please look into
counseling because it really sounds like
your boyfriend is abusive. Keep us
updated......If he ever touches you tell
him ill open a can of whoop-ass on him!
Lol. After I have this baby......Good
luck hun. I really hope I didn't offend
or scare you.
Guys suck. I'm in a relationship....That
(yes nikki) I know I shouldn't be in. No
it isn't physically abusive, it's
just..... Not a good one to be in, but
it's so hard to get out! I'd love to talk
if you ever need anything! Send me a pm
or e-mail me
love,
chanda
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JillMarie
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Dec 2003 Posts: 3022 Location: Iowa
Posted: 02-26-04 17:49pm
Okay, I know a lot of people probably
think you should leave him but I dont.
What I think is he is too jealous. You
cant just tell him not to be jealous and
expect him to stop. I think maybe you
should go to counseling together. He
probably has security issues he needs to
deal with. That is my opinion.
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pInKpAnThEr
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Jan 2004 Posts: 626 Location: Indiana
Posted: 02-26-04 23:44pm
Well sometimes when ur serious with a guy
like sexually b4 marriage they get like
that...
But theres no trust for u.. I know how it
feels.. I guess when u give urself to a
guy, they think "whats stoppin her from
goin and doin that with another guy now
that I got her(in my case, even tho I said
I was waiting til marriage) I dont know if
this applys to u but like they get
possesive sometimes..Dans like that
sometimes but I love him so much I do
almost n e thing I gota to make him
happy..
If its really worth it..Stick to it..And
def. Tell him how u feel about it all
love mol
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allusivepond
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Oct 2003 Posts: 452
Posted: 02-27-04 03:50am
I agree with kissy there is no way I would
let anyone talk to me the way u are
describing, I have more respect for myself
than to be degraded especially in public
like that and even more when there is no
reason for that sort of behaviour.
Ur not his property and even if they were
hitting on u he has no right to tell them
to get lost he should trust u enough to
say look im with him and walk away. I
would be getting out and not looking back,
I dont care wot anyone says if u have to
at any point suck up or apologise for
something that u feel u shouldnt then I
say dont, women deserve to be respected
whether or not u have had sex with them
before or after marriage.
From someone who cant wait to have a
jellybean all of their own
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