Ending a Relationship Forum - Consider This ? Staying Together For The Sake Of The Kids


Consider This ? Staying Together For The Sake Of The Kids

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DPantelones

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Consider This ? Staying Together For The Sake Of The Kids Posted: 06-11-07 14:57pm


My therapist told me the other day that staying together (in a strained or loveless relationship) isn't bad for the kids....he stated that the kids, above all else, would prefer parents stay together regardless of thier feelings toward each other!! I was shocked to hear him say that, and he ended his rant with "of course this doesn't take into consideration violence" and talked about it as if the husband and wife could just live together as roommates for the sake of the children. I think he's off on that one, but he said statistics proved his statement. I don't think that's right, do you?

aszalajka

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Posted: 06-13-07 13:49pm


I do not believe in staying in it for the kids! i think that because something more for the kids to see. kids are not stupid and can sense when the parents are not happy, even if they are putting on a good show! for as much as therapy costs nowadays i think you should find a new one!!!

DPantelones

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Posted: 06-15-07 12:28pm


Don't get me wrong, he wasn't saying I "should" have done that, he was just reciting what the statistics show...but like I told him, who did the survery and on whom? I agree with you 100%, that's a bullcrap thing to do, and your kids would grow up thinking that hating the person you live with is okay? nah. Not me!

Spirit

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Posted: 06-16-07 05:32am


I believe the survey.....................that is, if you have two mature adults that aren't waging war at each other................if both parties agree to at the very least have a partnership where the children are the main concern...................their emotional welfare, schooling, expenses etc. And lets face it, if living in a city the day to day living expenses can be very difficult for a single parent to handle.................aside from for "the children's sake"...........I think is the next main reason(mortgage/rent) why committed couples stand longer than they should................... ..............on the other hand living with someone you despise(?) can do an emotional number on yourself............Big time!...........every case should be taken on an individual basis...............what can you handle?/not handle?.......................I've raised the children with my ex for over 15 years..............wouldn't highly recommend it but I did it for my little babes(okay almost adults).................it was worth it for them but I feel 100 yrs old

jenibean

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I am living with the father of my kids Posted: 02-13-08 19:33pm


I am living with the father of my kids, although if it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't be here. I made a makeshift room down in the corner of the basement, and that is my space. I am not sure how good or bad this is for the kids, I know they don't get it yet... but someday they will know I did it to try and benefit them. My dad died when I was 11, and I felt like I missed out on having my daddy, I think that is the main reason why I stay. I tried to leave once, and my 4 year old cried for her daddy in the middle of the night, so I ended up going back. I don't know what is best?

bakin_april

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Posted: 02-13-08 19:53pm


My parents stayed together for the sake of the kids and I don't think they did me any favors! The constant bickering, fighting and emotional abuse they flung at each other took a toll on me. I thought I'd done something wrong to make them angry and I must have to fix it. There's no reason for a child to believe she has to "fix" her parents' marriage. If you've got kids and are considering divorce, I urge you to let your children know what's up as soon as possible (if it's safe for you). I couldn't because my ex turned physical by the time I made up my mind to leave. For my safety I had to keep my plans to myself. My child was braodsided when we left him. I'll feel bad about that forever, but there was no way I could let her know what was going on.

Roberta777

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What Is The Answer Posted: 02-13-08 19:53pm


to such a painful, difficult question? From what you have written, many of you have put yourselves second, your children first. That is called love. To give life to a child, a child who should have both a mother and a father, it doesn't come with a written warranty that o.k. life is going to be peachy o.k. dokey. When we become parents, we have already said that our children should come first. Let them have a childhood of some protection. Let's face it. Even the poorest families on earth can love their children equally as well as some of us do. Life doesn't come easy for most of us. Do our children have to be thrown into the depth of despair because we no longer love one another? Honestly, people become different as they get older. They can change. Doesn't that mean we can allow each other to grow. Why pull out the plants in the garden just because you want a different color, a plant that is new, or a whole new garden altogether?

bakin_april

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Posted: 02-13-08 20:10pm


I agree whole-heartedly, children usually thrive in homes where Mom and Dad live together. The EXCEPTION is abuse. There's No reason, even "moral" reasons, that is good enough for Mom (and the kids) to stay in a potentially fatal situation. You will never convince me that, even with the post-divorce issues my child had, my child would have been better off if my ex had blown my brains out in a drunken rage. Plenty of people tried to sell me the same bill of goods when I got divorced. It's too bad that my life and that of my child meant so little to them.

Roberta777

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True Posted: 02-13-08 20:29pm


in your case as it obviously was a violent relationship which was going nowhere but south. Drugs and alchohol abuse factor into the high divorce/child abuse/end of relationships that we face. If your partner could have been clean and off alchohol, would he have been able to function as a human being? Truth be told, he probably was so out of it, he didn't even remember the stupid things he did to scare you and your kids out of your wits! You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. Same thing with any addiction, weither it be alchohol, drugs, sexual addiction, gambling, any vise that pulls us away from being clean and sober. And, having a family to love us. Let's face it, people who are lost in the shadows of addition are just that. Lost. Doesn't mean they can take us with them. No. We will survive with our children. May be hard but people can and do decide to do what is right for them. Good luck in your decisions.

suzyyurt

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Kids can be happier post break up Posted: 06-25-08 14:12pm


Because I wanted what's best for my kids I worked hard to make my relationship with their father a sustainable and respectful one post break up (not easy to do and I needed lot's of emotional and practical support from others to succeed). Now he has remarried, lives in the same village and the kids spend alternate weekends and some nights there. We are like an extended family and the kids have learnt that just because (and perhaps BECAUSE) their parents don't live together they a) see that relationships can be good even after a difficult separation, and b) parents are then free to remarry someone they DO want to spend the rest of their days with. What value is there in your children growing up feeling guilty that mummy and daddy sacrificed their own happiness for them? What kind of a gift of love is that? You only have one life. Make it a good one and hope that your children grow up to follow your example.