Joined: 12 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: United States
Pregnant, Having An Abortion But Worried About My Bf... Posted: 06-12-07 15:25pm
Well. I just found out I was pregnant
today. I feel like an absolute dunce. I
have been on the pill since i was 18 (had
terrible cramps and it seriously did get
rid of them). I did have unprotected sex
with my two long term boyfriends (I was on
the pill and i'd say half the time also
used a condom).
Never got pregnant.
Well. I am now 24 and have been with my
boyfriend for approximately 6 months... I
took the pill religiously at 730 am
everyday (including weekends) and even if
i went back to sleep id just roll to the
side of the bed grab a pill and take then
fall asleep). I've tried my best to be
responsible.
2 months ago i switched pills to a lower
dose by recommendation of my physician...
it would appear that was a ginormous
mistake. I skipped my last period... but i
was told that it was a normal thing when
changing over pills... we also used
protection during this transition
(condoms). Well... I'm now over week
late for my period (so this will be two
missed periods now) and I began to worry
as I realized i had been feeling very
tired lately... i'd say in the last month
or so... but no other indications have
happened...no nausea, wait gain etc etc.
Well, I decided to take my concerns to my
boyfriend...he was obviously incredibly
upset (not in a negative way towards me
though)... we both havent planned this...
didnt want this... i feel as if we did
everything right short of abstaining
(please no lectures). He is masters
student who works full time for the
University while I'm a senior at the
university finishing up my 3rd (and final)
degree... then i will be applying for law
school (I was originally accepted to med
school but made the decision that it wasnt
for me...huge reversal i know!) and have
around 4 more years of school before I
really am going to be financially stable
(and il still be paying off loans). This
is something the both of us want...but not
right now...I do not feel that either of
us is at the point in our relationship
where we can do this together (even though
we love eachother) and very possibly could
end up together, neither one of us feels
financially stable enough, or emotionally
mature enough yet. But he offered to go
pick me up a home pregnancy test and then
we'd discuss it further...we were both
trying to be lighthearted.
He brought it back and within 5 minutes it
had a positive reading. I was freaking
out, he was freaking out... though there
were no recriminations... I told him that
i would go to a planned parenthood the
next day and get an official test and then
we'd go from there. I asked what his
opinion on the matter was (his parents are
very catholic...i am not...he is somewhere
in between). He told me he would support
whatever decision i made (whew!) but he
was leaning more towards abortion (as i
had already mentioned to him that this was
very likely going to be my choice but i
wanted to take his feelings and
considerations into hand...i felt it was
not right to otherwise).
However... I know and hear a lot about
abortion from the female viewpoint. I'm
scared. I am pregnant and will be getting
an abortion...ive already talked to a
physician and have researched it... though
i am deciding between medical and
surgical... im going to do a search to see
if there is a medical vs. surgical
thing... right now im leaning more towards
surgical.
My question is how can i be supportive of
my boyfriend during this time. I know he
will be there for me... he has said
something that did disturb me though... i
in no way feel any anger or resentment
towards him... I did say that i feared me
doing this (even though he agrees and
'supports' me) he will in someway look at
me differently (negatively...as being
tainted, or less than good shall we
say)... and his reply (im glad he's
honest) but it still hurt was "I don't
know how im going to react, it may very
well alter how i see you in a negative
way".
What do i say to that? We both feel that
our relationship was definitely going
somewhere (no interest in being in one if
it didnt)... But will this ruin it? How do
i support him during this? Pretty sure i
couldnt handle it if this ruined our
relationship... any thoughts? Advice? I
really appreciate it...sorry for the
length and slight ramblings of this post.
|
Llewellyn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jan 2007 Posts: 1743 Location: NY
Posted: 06-12-07 15:43pm
Good questions. I guess I would suggest
sitting him down again and talking about
how you love each other, how you both know
the time is not right, and how you were
doing everything right so this is no fault
of either of yours. Remind him that he
agrees it is not the right time. Maybe
ask him if he would do the same thing if
he were you.
I know where he is coming from and what he
means. However, if you both make the
decision, you should not be punished just
because the fetus happens to be in your
body instead of his.
You could see if there are any abortion
support groups near you.
Good luck.
|
mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 06-12-07 15:58pm
You two did everything you could to avoid
this from happening. Unfortunately, it
just wasn't enough. Through absolutely no
fault of your own. You were on birth
control for a reason. Because you (as a
couple) were not ready for a child. End of
story. While it is a very emotional
process for some (not all) you have to do
what is best for you. If you chose to have
an abortion, make sure it is what you
really want, I mean 100%. Most people that
have a bad experience did not want it 100%
and regret it later. Most of the people
that did want it 100% have no longer term
issues (emotional) with it.
Now on to your boyfriend. I commend him
for being honest with you. Many men would
have kept their mouth shut and thrown it
back at you later, which is completely
unfair. While I respect the fact that you
want him very comfortable with the
decision, it is ultimately your decision.
Has he said how he would feel about
adoption? maybe, that would be a better
option.
On to medical verse surgical. How far
along are you?
|
hurthawk
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: United States
Posted: 06-12-07 16:22pm
mc4ever02
wrote:
You two did everything you
could to avoid this from happening.
Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough.
Through absolutely no fault of your own.
You were on birth control for a reason.
Because you (as a couple) were not ready
for a child. End of story. While it is a
very emotional process for some (not all)
you have to do what is best for you. If
you chose to have an abortion, make sure
it is what you really want, I mean 100%.
Most people that have a bad experience did
not want it 100% and regret it later. Most
of the people that did want it 100% have
no longer term issues (emotional) with
it.
Now on to your boyfriend. I commend him
for being honest with you. Many men would
have kept their mouth shut and thrown it
back at you later, which is completely
unfair. While I respect the fact that you
want him very comfortable with the
decision, it is ultimately your decision.
Has he said how he would feel about
adoption? maybe, that would be a better
option.
On to medical verse surgical. How far
along are
you?
Neither of us are interested in adoption.
I am 100% certain I want an abortion...
the only reason I might not would be if he
gave reasons for wanting to keep it...i
believe in the end its my choice but like
i said i wanted to take his feelings into
account...luckily we are both 100% sure
about abortion... but obviously wish it
hadnt happened.
I basically want him to not change his
views of me as a person...obviously i
cannot control that... we both dont want
this pregnancy and want to get rid of it.
I know that me doing this wont change my
views of him...i dont feel pressured in
anyway by him... but hes not sure how he
will feel about me...
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4037 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 141
Thanked:13
Re: Pregnant, Having An Abortion But Worried About My Bf... Posted: 06-12-07 16:46pm
hurthawk
wrote:
...
However... I know and hear a lot about
abortion from the female viewpoint. I'm
scared. I am pregnant and will be getting
an abortion...ive already talked to a
physician and have researched it... though
i am deciding between medical and
surgical... im going to do a search to see
if there is a medical vs. surgical
thing... right now im leaning more towards
surgical.
Hello hurthawk. I'm sorry you have found
yourself pregnant after taking so many
precautions. That must suck. I can
empathize, certainly.
I would keep leaning on the surgical side
of things. It's faster, you're under the
care of a physician, and the long term
affects of medical abortions have not been
scrutinized (enough for me, anyways).
hurthawk
wrote:
My question is how can i be
supportive of my boyfriend during this
time. I know he will be there for me... he
has said something that did disturb me
though... i in no way feel any anger or
resentment towards him... I did say that i
feared me doing this (even though he
agrees and 'supports' me) he will in
someway look at me differently
(negatively...as being tainted, or less
than good shall we say)... and his reply
(im glad he's honest) but it still hurt
was "I don't know how im going to react,
it may very well alter how i see you in a
negative way".
What do i say to that? We both feel that
our relationship was definitely going
somewhere (no interest in being in one if
it didnt)... But will this ruin it? How do
i support him during this? Pretty sure i
couldnt handle it if this ruined our
relationship... any thoughts? Advice? I
really appreciate it...sorry for the
length and slight ramblings of this
post.
Your boyfriend sounds honest. That's
good. However...this gentleman is leaning
towards you getting an abortion, and then
says that he 'might' look at you
negatively or tainted after the fact.
After you do exatly what he wishes for you
to do.
How does that look to me?
Like you need not worry about how to
support him during this time, or in the
future.
I am sorry. If it were me, and this
thought had crossed my boyfriends' mind
and was strong enough for him to voice it,
I would not have concerned myself with how
he views me, as I would view him a giant
blown up wad of mucus. (Sorry, the
filters on here requires us to get
creative with our adjectives.)
|
mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
Thanks: 5
Thanked:2
Posted: 06-12-07 18:26pm
hurthawk
wrote:
mc4ever02
wrote:
You two did everything you
could to avoid this from happening.
Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough.
Through absolutely no fault of your own.
You were on birth control for a reason.
Because you (as a couple) were not ready
for a child. End of story. While it is a
very emotional process for some (not all)
you have to do what is best for you. If
you chose to have an abortion, make sure
it is what you really want, I mean 100%.
Most people that have a bad experience did
not want it 100% and regret it later. Most
of the people that did want it 100% have
no longer term issues (emotional) with
it.
Now on to your boyfriend. I commend him
for being honest with you. Many men would
have kept their mouth shut and thrown it
back at you later, which is completely
unfair. While I respect the fact that you
want him very comfortable with the
decision, it is ultimately your decision.
Has he said how he would feel about
adoption? maybe, that would be a better
option.
On to medical verse surgical. How far
along are
you?
Neither of us are interested in adoption.
I am 100% certain I want an abortion...
the only reason I might not would be if he
gave reasons for wanting to keep it...i
believe in the end its my choice but like
i said i wanted to take his feelings into
account...luckily we are both 100% sure
about abortion... but obviously wish it
hadnt happened.
I basically want him to not change his
views of me as a person...obviously i
cannot control that... we both dont want
this pregnancy and want to get rid of it.
I know that me doing this wont change my
views of him...i dont feel pressured in
anyway by him... but hes not sure how he
will feel about me...
Adoption is not for everyone. I just
wanted to make sure you two had discussed
all of your options.
Abortion can be very difficult on a
relationship. Especially if someone in the
relationship isn't 100% comfortable with
the idea (which it doesn't sound like he
is) If he was convinced, then he wouldn't
have doubts about how he would feel toward
you afterwards. Honestly, you aren't
making this decision alone. So, if he were
to feel anything negative toward you
afterward, he will probably feel the same
about himself. And there isn't a whole lot
you can do about that. I'm very sorry, I
wish that I could be of more help.
Do you know about how far along you are?
Or when the date of your last period was?
Once you are at a certain gestational age,
surgical abortion will be pretty much your
only choice. (as far as I know...someone
correct me If I am wrong.)
|
jenn_smithson
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 808 Location: Texas
Posted: 06-13-07 03:14am
hurthawk
wrote:
Neither of us are interested in adoption.
I am 100% certain I want an abortion...
the only reason I might not would be if he
gave reasons for wanting to keep it...i
believe in the end its my choice but like
i said i wanted to take his feelings into
account...luckily we are both 100% sure
about abortion... but obviously wish it
hadnt happened.
I basically want him to not change his
views of me as a person...obviously i
cannot control that... we both dont want
this pregnancy and want to get rid of it.
I know that me doing this wont change my
views of him...i dont feel pressured in
anyway by him... but hes not sure how he
will feel about me...
Did you ask him why his
feelings toward you might change?
Specifically, what is it that he thinks
about .women who have an abortion and why
is it (sometimes) negative? Also, is he
not aware of the fact that without him,
you would not be in this position and
thus, not in the position to be thought of
negatively due to having had an abortion?
It sounds as though while he doesn't want
the pregnancy, he also does not want to be
brushed with the same paint as you
regarding the social stigma attached to
abortion. And that, unfortunately, he
cannot have because he does hold some
responsibility in what has happened. If
he wants to live in denial about that,
then that might say something about his
character that you need to see.
You mentioned that you are both at a
University, does your University offer
free counseling services to students? You
might want to look into some couples
counseling at the center either before the
procedure or after it to explore your
feelings together in a safe space.
My only advice other than the counseling
would be to continue talking and
communicating with one another in real,
honest ways. Best of luck and keep us
posted!
Peace,
Jenn
|
hurthawk
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: United States
Re: Pregnant, Having An Abortion But Worried About My Bf... Posted: 06-13-07 10:05am
Birch
wrote:
hurthawk
wrote:
...
However... I know and hear a lot about
abortion from the female viewpoint. I'm
scared. I am pregnant and will be getting
an abortion...ive already talked to a
physician and have researched it... though
i am deciding between medical and
surgical... im going to do a search to see
if there is a medical vs. surgical
thing... right now im leaning more towards
surgical.
Hello hurthawk. I'm sorry you have found
yourself pregnant after taking so many
precautions. That must suck. I can
empathize, certainly.
I would keep leaning on the surgical side
of things. It's faster, you're under the
care of a physician, and the long term
affects of medical abortions have not been
scrutinized (enough for me, anyways).
hurthawk
wrote:
My question is how can i be
supportive of my boyfriend during this
time. I know he will be there for me... he
has said something that did disturb me
though... i in no way feel any anger or
resentment towards him... I did say that i
feared me doing this (even though he
agrees and 'supports' me) he will in
someway look at me differently
(negatively...as being tainted, or less
than good shall we say)... and his reply
(im glad he's honest) but it still hurt
was "I don't know how im going to react,
it may very well alter how i see you in a
negative way".
What do i say to that? We both feel that
our relationship was definitely going
somewhere (no interest in being in one if
it didnt)... But will this ruin it? How do
i support him during this? Pretty sure i
couldnt handle it if this ruined our
relationship... any thoughts? Advice? I
really appreciate it...sorry for the
length and slight ramblings of this
post.
Your boyfriend sounds honest. That's
good. However...this gentleman is leaning
towards you getting an abortion, and then
says that he 'might' look at you
negatively or tainted after the fact.
After you do exatly what he wishes for you
to do.
How does that look to me?
Like you need not worry about how to
support him during this time, or in the
future.
I am sorry. If it were me, and this
thought had crossed my boyfriends' mind
and was strong enough for him to voice it,
I would not have concerned myself with how
he views me, as I would view him a giant
blown up wad of mucus. (Sorry, the
filters on here requires us to get
creative with our
adjectives.)
Actually that shows great imagination!
Nothing wrong with being creative. To
those who were asking how far along I am
they said I could be anywhere from 9 weeks
and below according to my last period.
They only do medical abortions up to 7
weeks here and my way of thinking
(especially after reading about the clots,
time it takes to feel better, and overall
percentage of success rate) I honestly am
not even considering medical anymore and
will be requesting Surgical abortion. I've
had surgery before (knee, finger and back)
so its not so much that im afraid of
that... but ive never had any surgeries
down there before...
I'm definitely going back on the pill that
i was originally on...clearly this lower
dosage one was not for me!
And to my boyfriend. Last night we pretty
much just hungout and tried to act as if
things were normal (which they most
certainly ARE NOT). I'm annoyed, because
even though i can tell he is doing his
best not to act differently after what he
had said (as i mentioned above about not
being certain how he will feel about me
afterwards) I'm actually starting to get
rather angry. I don't see him paying for
my birth control, im the one that has the
responsibility of taking the birth
control, on time, everyday, of every week
of every year... i have never missed a
dose... I was the one that suggested we
use condoms whilst in the transition, he
preferred it otherwise. Im pretty upset at
fate because i really feel as if i did
everything that i could to have this not
occur. Granted it can be blamed on me for
changing birth control pills...but I was
listening to a physicians advice. I have
always been upfront and honest with him. I
find it kinda funny (not really...more
like ironic) that a girl on the pill,
using condoms and a man with one testicle
can somehow get pregnant. Yeesh.
I felt it was a good idea for him to kinda
relax yesterday, not really have any big
discussions... and possibly the same for
me. Though i feel like we both need to
really sit down and discuss this... and I
would like to ask him a few of the
questions each of you posed... in
particular asking for him to put himself
into my shoes. I don't feel as if i
deserve any recriminations for any of
this. I have always told him that my
position was pro-choice. I have done
everything in my power for this not to
happen. Sometimes these things happen...
I'm the one that has to go pee in a cup,
i'm the one that has to sit there and have
a person who doesnt know me tell me im
pregnant, and very possibly judging me....
I'm the one that has to get an ultrasound,
I'm the one that has to have the actual
procedure done...Im the one that is stuck
with the physical repurcussions of what we
did. He did tell me he would be more
worried if i had said i wanted to keep the
child...so clearly thats not what he
wants. I don't in anyway look down on
women who've had abortion...i feel like
they made a responsible decision...for
themselves and society... and I have never
felt that its right to push my convictions
on others.
That being said...today I have my
ultrasound to see exactly how far i am
along and am hoping to get my abortion
appointment tomorrow....or friday...latest
is next wed. I have to travel 120 miles to
get one as soon as tomorrow or
friday...but honestly for me the sooner
the better... also my boyfriends parents
come into town this weekend...and I'd
rather not see them knowing i am pregnant.
You guys have been such a help, and I do
feel quite a bit better. Thanks!!
Any other thoughts or opinions on my
situation?
|
sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2690
Thanks: 5
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-13-07 10:18am
What a run of bum luck you had, and I am
sorry you have had this happen despite
your best efforts. It sounds like you
have made a very informed decision. I
have two kids and i am completely
pro-choice. I know if I found myself in
your shoes i would make the same choice at
this point, but I can also understand that
it's not easy to do no matter how much
your mind is made up. My thoughts are
certainly with you. Give yourself a
break. Cry if you want to, or don't.
There is no right or wrong reaction. I
think the idea stated above for a little
bit of couple's counseling is a good one.
I hope the two of you can come to terms
with this. It sucks that society puts
such a negative connotation on this
procedure, but I don't think there is much
that can be done about the failings of
society. My positive energies are with
you.
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4037 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 141
Thanked:13
Posted: 06-13-07 10:42am
Hey, thanks for the update on your
situation.
I was nervous about the process, as wel.
The surgery is so quick, though, and for
me it was uncomfortable versus painful.
I'm sure they will talk to you about
anesthesia. I had a bit of 'laughing gas'
instead of a general and I believe it was
better that way. I have read that the
risks of abortions going bad are
intertwined with the usage of general
anesthesia.
That is something-on the pill, condoms,
and one testicle!! You totally got a raw
deal. I'm sorry about that.
I think what jenn said is great-find out
why his views would change of you if you
do exactly what it is that he wants you to
do.
For me, I wouldn't need to know 'why'.
This guy would fall under the category of
'giant person' for me. And emotionally
abusive, too. "I want you to have an
abortion, which you wouldn't have to have
if it wasn't for me, and after you do,
then I 'might' think less of you?"
Yeah, giant person.
[Can you guys tell I've just about had it
with people? I have a
vacation in a couple of weeks, hopefully
that will help recharge the "I can put up
w/ b.s. meter".]
|
Jules
Moderator
Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 3789 Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 85
Thanked:69
Posted: 06-13-07 11:00am
Good .British word that .Birch: "person".
It's a goodie!
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4037 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 141
Thanked:13
Posted: 06-13-07 11:29am
PurestGreen
wrote:
Good .British word that
.Birch: "person". It's a goodie!
Heh, I always liked the sound of it. My
bf's a Brit so I've been schooled on some
of the more colorful idioyms.
I will never get that "up yours" toast his
fam does, though.
|
hurthawk
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: United States
Posted: 06-13-07 15:42pm
Birch
wrote:
Hey, thanks for the update
on your situation.
I was nervous about the process, as wel.
The surgery is so quick, though, and for
me it was uncomfortable versus painful.
I'm sure they will talk to you about
anesthesia. I had a bit of 'laughing gas'
instead of a general and I believe it was
better that way. I have read that the
risks of abortions going bad are
intertwined with the usage of general
anesthesia.
That is something-on the pill, condoms,
and one testicle!! You totally got a raw
deal. I'm sorry about that.
I think what jenn said is great-find out
why his views would change of you if you
do exactly what it is that he wants you to
do.
For me, I wouldn't need to know 'why'.
This guy would fall under the category of
'giant person' for me. And emotionally
abusive, too. "I want you to have an
abortion, which you wouldn't have to have
if it wasn't for me, and after you do,
then I 'might' think less of you?"
Yeah, giant person.
[Can you guys tell I've just about had it
with people? I have a
vacation in a couple of weeks, hopefully
that will help recharge the "I can put up
w/ b.s.
meter".]
Well...here is a bit more clarity on what
he's been thinking about or "going
through"... He basically told me he knows
it's scary and that there's a bazillion
emotions going through my head right
now....and that I deserve support
throughout it. But that I need to know
how he could possibly react to this
experience... he says hes not blaming me,
hes just thinking about how his life could
be different. And then asked me if it's
blaming me or feeling weird towards me if
he looks at me and sees that we could have
had a child? He says he doesnt feel its
blame.. but remorse. He then goes on to
say that I will remind him of it...but
that its not blaming, or holding it
against me. I then told him about my
apointment time and he asked me if needed
him to drive... no Im just going to drive
120 miles, get put on vallium and
something else, have a surgical procedure
and then just drive on back home....
right. He then tells me that he is man
enough not to run away from it, but that
it IS going to effect him, then tells me
hes not the type of person that doesnt
walk around with emotions (of course he
isnt...i wouldnt be with him otherwise)
and that he's not the type of person that
doesnt take life seriously.
He then tells me hes not like me where I
can just get over things quickly. Im not
going to get over this quickly...I know
for a fact i will be thinking about it for
sometime, especially when i have my first
planned child Im sure. But i also realize
that im in no way financially or
emotionally ready for this child. Its not
that i get over things quickly, but that i
realize when something has to be done, for
the better of all involved, and that
harping on it will get nothing done...this
is tearing me up inside...mostly because i
honestly did want to have a child with him
in the future... and as mentioned above
did my best to safeguard that... accidents
happen as my father has always said...
sometimes you cant change it. He then went
on to tell me that he "feels his emotions"
and sometimes people react to things
differently (i know this). So i posed the
question of whether or not he was 100%
certain, regardless of my decision because
i felt his feelings are important...his
reply was that he would never be 100%
sure...that he supports me, but has his
doubts, he knows this isnt the right time
for this but that if he had to, he could
make it work, and thats what bothers
him... that it would be a difficult life,
but...and this is a direct quote "is that
so much to ask for someone to live"....
this floored me and made me feel like an
absolutely terrible person. I then tell
him that it is not the right time, I have
4 more years of school (post grad) and
that i wouldnt be able to devote the
time...and frankly...im not ready to be a
mother...and id hate to resent my child
for things that i need to get done in life
right now...that isnt right for the child.
Amongst other reasons that i wont go into.
He told me that he definitely still agrees
that the time is wrong, but that he could
still do it, and that is what is killing
him.
This has floored me with guilt... Im still
going to go through with it...because its
whats right for me...and in my opinion
whats right for him... he does make decent
money working for the university...but
still has to finish his Thesis all the
while working full time... and law school
really isnt considered to be the most
lenient in ways of giving time...i will
not be an absent mother. My stress level
on a scale of 1-10 is roughly 45. I cannot
really talk to anyone about it... im 2000
miles away from home in an area of the
country where you see signs like "God is
Pro-life...Are You?" randomly on the
highways posted on someones farmland...and
this is a big sign. I dont want him to
look at me and everytime think of this
abortion. I dont believe thats fair. At
all. And I think im becoming more angry
and hurt as time continues (could be my
hormones also!)... Im trying to safeguard
our future...whether its separate or
together. Darn fate. It
seems as if he wants me to keep it...or am
i just being paranoid?
|
sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2690
Thanks: 5
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-13-07 16:13pm
What a confusing bunch of signals he has
thrown at you. I am so sorry that you are
caught up in a conundrum. It is my own
belief that if you are not ready to be a
mother, then you are probably right. Even
the most devoted dads can't take the place
of the mother of a tiny infant. I really
used to believe that as long as the infant
was fed, that any pair of arms could do to
calm and nurture a baby. Now I understand
that after spending 40 weeks stuck to your
insides, little babies seem to want or
need their mother more than anyone else.
If you can't provide that time to a baby
right now, then I think you know what the
right answer is for you. You are correct
inthat you will think about this for many
years to come, perhaps forever. But there
are just as meany mothers out there who
yearn for what their life could have been
if a baby hadn't come into the picture
unexpectedly. You seem to be very driven
to acheive your goals right now. Children
make finishing school very very difficult,
and many times a firm will quielty refuse
to hire a woman who has children (even
though it is illegal to do so). However,
many people have made it work, unexpected
baby and all. But there are sacrifices
that have to be made. I wish that I could
make an easy decision for you, I really
do. You sound like you need a shoulder to
cry on at the very least. I am glad you
have continued to keep us posted.
I guess it comes to this: Are you both
willing to sacrifice everything you have
worked for for this? Becasue you might
have to if you should decide to proceed.
You just never know what will happen with
children. Is there someone close to you
besides Mr. flip flopper that you can talk
to? Someone who knows and cares about
you?
Sending you posistive vibes....
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4037 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 141
Thanked:13
Posted: 06-13-07 16:19pm
Yowzers.
Okay, I'll back off on the 'person'
appraisal now that I understand him a
little more. I apologize.
Your boyfriend sounds like a sensible
person who is conflicted over this
decision.
I don't want to lightly toss aside his
feelings and concerns, but in the short,
medium, and long run of it, you as the
woman are going to be responsible for
whatever decision you make.
You have to make the decision for
yourself, not for anyone else.
If you are not 100% sure, don't do it.
Seriously. Abortion isn't the right
answer for everyone, just as parenting or
adoption isn't the right answer for
everyone.
|
Carifairy
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 2610 Location: Charlotte n.c.
Thanks: 12
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-13-07 16:48pm
EVEN on valuim, you really should not
drive yourself.
I work at an abortion clinic, and we
require a driver.
You can also have 'better drugs' if you
have a driver, and the aboriton would be
painless with IV sedation/IV anesthesia.
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hurthawk
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: United States
Posted: 06-13-07 18:11pm
Carifairy
wrote:
EVEN on valuim, you really
should not drive yourself.
I work at an abortion clinic, and we
require a driver.
You can also have 'better drugs' if you
have a driver, and the aboriton would be
painless with IV sedation/IV
anesthesia.
I was completely joking...id definitely
need a driver... I had surgery on my pinky
finger in december and although they didnt
put me under i was on an iv drip and very
very loopy... so much so that during the
middle of the procedure I told the
anesthesiologist that I was bored and that
he needed to "entertain me"... the
shame...i thought i was in there for only
20 minutes...turns out it was over an hour
and a half (I badly dislocated and
fractured it)...oh the shame!!
Back to the boyfriend... this is why i
feel so weird...he is voicing the same
concerns i have but im completely decided
on this abortion... My feelings are more
along the lines of this being an absolute
bunk thing to happen. I have managed to
stay quite objective... and i hate having
to wait another whole week to get this
done... i got the earliest possible
appointment. I know in my gut this is the
right thing to do..and would only keep it
for him...and i think thats terrible. I
just got a dog 9 months ago and babies are
20x more ridiculous to handle than a
puppy. I always felt no one should bring a
child into this world unless they could
give it the best life they could offer
possible. Im not where near that point.
And you are right about law firms...they
tend to pass on the women with children...
its sad...but its true.
|
Jules
Moderator
Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 3789 Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 85
Thanked:69
Posted: 06-14-07 10:22am
I sympathise with your boyfriend but the
choice ultimately lies with you. If you
are absolutely 100% sure that you do not
want this baby and you won't consider
adoption then abortion is the only other
option.
Be prepared for your boyfriend to throw
this back in your face at a later date
though. He is powerless and he may well
feel resentful. That's not meant to make
you change your mind or anything btw, I'm
just going on a gut feeling that he isn't
going to be able to accept the abortion of
his 'child' in the same way you are.
I really really hope that everything works
out for the best for you and wish you the
best of luck.
|
jenn_smithson
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 808 Location: Texas
Posted: 06-17-07 23:21pm
hurthawk
wrote:
And then asked me if it's
blaming me or feeling weird towards me if
he looks at me and sees that we could have
had a child?
Does he think this way
about every ex-girlfriend or
one-night stand that he has ever had?
Statistically, even when precautions are
taken, conceptions occur (sperm meets egg)
a little more than half of the time.
Conceptions, in fact, occur much
more often than implantations
(pregnancies). If he is the type of
person who believes that pregnancy begins
at conception, then he should feel this
exact same way about every
single woman he has had ever had sex with
because statistically, he "could have had
a child" with them as well. Even if he
believes that implantation = pregnancy, he
still "could have had a
child" with each and every single one of
them. A confirmed pregnancy is all that
is different in your specific case and
theirs. Or, as far as you or he knows.
This is a total guilt trip from what you
have described.
Quote:
He then goes on
to say that I will remind him of it...but
that its not blaming, or holding it
against me.
Is looking in the mirror
going to remind him? I may be reading
this wrong but it seems to me that he is
trying to push this .a.l.l off onto you.
And, if he feels remorseful about it (or
thinks he will) and he feels that
everytime he looks at you because you
remind him of it, it seems like a very
negative place to occupy within your
relationship with him. The question will
be is this actually how he is going to
react when all is said and done and if it
is, can you cope with being his reminder?
I would highly suggest some couples
counseling in the future.
Quote:
his reply was
that he would never be 100% sure...that he
supports me, but has his doubts, he knows
this isnt the right time for this but that
if he had to, he could make it work, and
thats what bothers him... that it would be
a difficult life, but...and this is a
direct quote "is that so much to ask for
someone to
live"
That sounds very noble
but what would that reality actually be?
It's easy for him to say this now because
no matter what happens, he is not ever
forced to take total and complete
responsibility for it. If you keep the
pregnancy, it is .y.o.u.r life, .y.o.u.r
aspirations, and .y.o.u.r future choices that
will be completely altered. His will more
than likely change very little and will
only change by his own choice, not by his
obligation. Your biology, unfortunately,
makes this very true. No matter how much
he claims he would be there, you have to
imagine your life without him, at all, and
without any help from him because no
matter what he says or promises, it never
ends up being anywhere near equal support.
If you
had a child, you would forever be
completely and totally responsible for
that child.
At this point in your life, is that a
sacrifice you want to willingly and
knowingly make?
Forget about any promises that he makes at
this point. Can you do it alone? Would
you willingly choose to do it alone?
Quote:
.... this floored
me and made me feel like an absolutely
terrible
person.
You are not a terrible
person, at all. Even if those are his
true feelings, I feel that he is a
terrible prik for being completely
tactless in discussing this with you. How
dare he make you feel shame or
embarrassment when .y.o.u, unlike him,
were actually doing something to prevent
it?!!? If anyone should feel badly
about this, it should be him for
doing nothing to prevent the
pregnancy and then for standing in
judgement of you for making this decision!
His behavior, were he with me, would be
completely and utterly unacceptable.
Quote:
He told me that
he definitely still agrees that the time
is wrong, but that he could still do it,
and that is what is killing
him.
He could do
it but .w.o.u.l.d he, is the actual
question. Do you know how many .women I
come into contact with who have had
children they didn't actually want because
of the promises the man made and then did
not deliver? Do you know how many lives I
have seen completely destroyed by men's
romantic and sentimental notions of
childbirth and child raising?!
We .women may be considered romantic but
it is actually the men who are more
sentimental than we are in these cases.
He is simply not being pragmatic enough
and thinking realistically about what
having a child right now with you would
mean. In this, alone, you must
remain realistic and pragmatic about your
options and decision because it is your
life, not really his, that will be
the one sacrificed.
Quote:
This has floored
me with
guilt...
I still say he's a
bass+turd and someone as driven as you can
do better.
Im still going to go through with
it...because its whats right for me...and
in my opinion whats right for him... he
does make decent money working for the
university...but still has to finish his
Thesis all the while working full time...
and law school really isnt considered to
be the most lenient in ways of giving
time...i will not be an absent mother. My
stress level on a scale of 1-10 is roughly
45. I cannot really talk to anyone about
it...[/quote] I'm sorry that you have to
go through this with someone who is
waffling in his support and commitment to
you. If you need to talk, you can always
post here. And I understand, completely,
what you're going through (sans stupid
boyfriend) as I went through the same
thing. Still in college, working, on
birth control, and the condoms did not
work. Hang in there, you'll make it
through.
Quote:
im 2000 miles
away from home in an area of the country
where you see signs like "God is
Pro-life...Are You?" randomly on the
highways posted on someones farmland...and
this is a big
sign.
.h.a!! I think we've
discussed that on the debate forum before
and come away with a completely different
interpretation.
Quote:
I dont want him
to look at me and everytime think of this
abortion. I dont believe thats fair. At
all.
It's not. None of this
is fair, not what happened, what will
happen, or his rotten attitude.
Quote:
And I think im
becoming more angry and hurt as time
continues (could be my hormones also!)...
Im trying to safeguard our
future...whether its separate or together.
Darn fate. It
seems as if he wants me to keep it...or am
i just being
paranoid?
It seems as if he is
trying to take some sort of high road in
this by denying his responsibility in the
situation. It also seems, to me, that he
feels the way to do this is to be overly
sentimental with you and send you a lot of
mixed signals. Just remember that no
matter what he says or promises, it's
.y.o.u.r life that will change and thus,
your decision. If you are happy about
your decision, then that's all that
matters.
Best of luck and keep us posted!
Peace,
Jenn
|
jenn_smithson
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 808 Location: Texas
Posted: 06-21-07 17:00pm
Hey Hawk.
Just checking up on you. How are you
doing? Drop us a line and let us know how
you are.
Peace,
Jenn
I have a
vacation in a couple of weeks, hopefully
that will help recharge the "I can put up
w/ b.s. meter".]
