I Don't Know Who I Am Or Anthing Else For That Matter.

Im a 22yr old guy living in the UK, I say living but I would hardly call what I have a life. I was never the most sociable or well adjusted person in fact my mother told me that when I was younger I had to be sent to a special nursery becasue I wouldn't mix with other children. Ever since I left college when I was 18 I feel like I have been living in my bedroom, I cant be around people because I feel inferior and ugly and that they are judging me all the time. Things have even got so bad that when I do try to be around people I hallucinate smells and sounds to make me want to rush away and be alone because im so certain that they are whispering about me and calling me names. Ive known I was gay since I was 12 and I remember back then thinking how lucky I was that I was so comfortable with being gay and that I had no shame or internalised homophobia or anything like that but now I feel shame for some reason and I hate it if my mother ever brings up anything to do with me being gay such as having a boyfriend or who im interested in.

I hate that I cant go outside and be around other people becasue there is so much that I want to do with my life such as go back and finish college so I can go to university and become a journalist. I think about suicide almost everyday but I cant seem to get the thought out of my head of what people would think if I actually did it, even being dead obviously isnt enough to stop me worrying about what people think.

I dont know if my childhood has anything to do with my non-existent self confidence but I do know that my mother did some pretty horrible violent things to me and would always call me ugly and stupid. I dont know if im making more out of it than I should but it sometimes seems like it could account for a lot of the problems I have now.

Im trying so hard to get help but whenever I work up the confidence to go to the doctor he doesn't really listen to me and just writes me a prescription for prozac which doesn't help when im an insomniac who cant get thoughts of being ugly and stupid out of his head 24-7. It feels like a thought gets stuck in my head sometimes and bounces backwards and forwards like an argument going on inside of me that makes me dizzy and I cant stop. I haven't been able to see a future for myself for years now all I see is that 1 day things will become even more unbearable than now and I'll finally end it. I wish people would listen to me sometimes