Please bear with me - this may turn into a
bit of an emotional ramble
.
And apologies, but I wasn't certain which
area to put this post in. I'm just hoping
to get all my feelings off my chest and
get a bit of feedback, and maybe some
suggestions I haven't considered. I am
still trying to pluck up the courage to go
to my GP about it - it's much easier to
talk about anonymously!
In my late teens I fell pregnant
accidentally, despite taking emergency
contraceptive. My then boyfriend
pressured me to have a termination, and at
the time said some awful things to me. He
refused to go with me to any appointments,
despite how distressed I was and I felt I
had no one to talk to and that I was
trapped. The whole experience left me
incredibly scarred emotionally, and it was
no surprise when he dumped me less than a
month later.
Not long after, I got involved with my
ex-husband, and he made it very clear from
the beginning that he didn't want children
- in fact I was told that if I fell
pregnant accidentally, that he would
leave. I was still struggling to come to
terms with what I had done and was going
through a lot of guilt, and convinced
myself that I didn't ever want children
either. I felt that I didn't deserve to
be a mother, that I would have been an
appalling parent, and for years, I
couldn't even cope with being around
pregnant women or babies. We got married
and for several years, I was quite content
to surround myself with pets and believe
that having children wasn't important to
me. It was like having two people living
inside me - one who desperately wanted to
have children in the future, and one who
felt she didn't deserve it, and would be
such an awful parent that it just wouldn't
be fair.
However, I found that at almost every
opportunity, such as a period that was a
couple of days over-due, or if I forgot to
take my contraceptive pill on a single
occasion, I would start to flap about the
idea of being pregnant, half of me
terrified about what my husband would say
and half of me desperately hoping it was
true, that I was pregnant. Trying to hide
how disappointed I was whenever it turned
out that I wasn't became a trial and I
started to feel cross and frustrated with
myself for continuing to long for
something I simply couldn't have.
My husband left me after four years of
marriage stating that he "just didn't love
me anymore". I was obviously heartbroken
- we had been there for each other through
some very difficult times including severe
depression on both sides and his
alcoholism, and through some great times
and I found it hard to come to terms with
the fact that it was over. I went through
a period of regularly hurting myself and
contemplating suicide, and my doctor put
me on several sedatives. I met my current
partner through my best friend, and he
helped me through the worst of it. He was
contactable at any hour, day or night and
was there for me when I needed him. Once
I had recovered and come off my extra
medications, we started a relationship,
and we are now very happy and secure and
have moved in together. He's everything I
could have asked for in a partner, and I
have found all the things I was lacking in
my marriage.
The only thing that we don't see eye to
eye on is the subject of children. He
doesn't want a family. I am trying so
hard to get on top of this irrational
desire to have children, to the point that
I won't even entertain the possibility
that I might be pregnant. We spent a good
deal of time initially saying things like
"if we have kids..." and talking about the
things we'd like to do with our potential
children, but as time went on and we got
more and more serious, we had many frank
discussions and he told me that he likes
his life as it is and doesn't like the
idea of his life revolving around a baby.
Right now, we have a good deal of freedom
to do as we please, but he said that he
feels if we had a baby together, it would
detract from our relationship. If you've
read my previous post, you'll know that I
have started wondering if I might be
pregnant, but part of me insists that I'm
not and I need to stop even thinking about
it, but my partner thinks I might be and
wants me to take a test. I'm so scared
that I'll be disappointed that the test is
negative, and it will drag up all those
painful emotions again, especially since I
know that he will be so relieved that I'm
not pregnant. I don't want to have to put
myself through any more of this.
I'm sorry, this has gotten much longer
than I intended it to be, but I am
incredibly grateful if you've gotten this
far!
I've given it a lot of thought, and I have
been considering a voluntary hysterectomy.
If there's absolutely no way that I can
fall pregnant, then I'll stop hoping that
I will, and won't have to go through the
bitter disappointment and depression over
it anymore. But while I feel that I have
thought it through carefully, I am
convinced that if I go to the doctor, she
will think I'm just being overly dramatic,
going from the extreme of wanting to fall
pregnant to never being able to have a
baby and will blame it on my depression
(I've been on medication for depression
since the termination).
I feel like I'm going crazy, and that I
can't talk to my partner because to save
myself from feeling hurt and crying I made
out that I wasn't bothered one way or
another and that it wasn't a big deal
.
