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Parenting Debate Forum - Divorce And How It Affects Children
Joined: 01 Jan 2006 Posts: 6225 Location: London, England
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Thanked:7
Divorce And How It Affects Children Posted: 06-24-07 05:54am
have any of your parents being divorced?
how did it affect you?
what are your feelings on divorce and how
it affects children?
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Mommy35
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2006 Posts: 3165 Location: Vacationland, USA,
Posted: 06-24-07 10:35am
It is hard on kids to have their parents
split up, but not as hard as listening to
their parents fight 24/7/365. My parents
divorced when .I was 21. I always prayed
they would divorce when .I was a teen
because they made my life miserable. I
couldn't have friends over for fear my
parents would get into a fight. Family
functions were a nightmare. Forget the
holidays.
They actually get along great now. Go
figure.
What .I would think would be hard, would
be the parents who split up, but never
have that "mommy and daddy love you very
much and our break up doesn't have
anything to do with you" talk. Kids do
think it's their fault if their not told
it isn't.
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HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8005 Location: Missouri, United States
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Posted: 06-24-07 14:10pm
it does effect children, my parents were
never married so i didn't have to deal
with that but tommy's parents got divorced
and it was really hard on him. im glad
they did though, his dad was an awful man.
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sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2701
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Posted: 06-25-07 16:30pm
My parents had a sickening divorce. My
dad was horrible to my mother. He
brainwashed my brother and i into thinking
she did not love us. he made me write
down in a notebook all the awful things
she did to us. I was 12 and stupid. Then
my dad had a little break down and
kidnapped my brother and I, and then ended
up inthe mental hosp for a couple of
weeks. it was awful. We ended up in his
custody because of my little notebook.
Anyway, as an adult, I am still glad they
did, because my relationship with my mom
is awesome. I am still working on the
other one though. I think as long as the
parents are adult-like in their divorce,
then kids will learn to cope. But the
badmouthing is the worst thing you can do
to the children, imo.
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*star*
Moderator
Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 1804 Location: ,
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Posted: 06-25-07 17:08pm
I agree, as long as the parents have a
good break up with no fighting and arguing
over who gets what and when, then for the
most part, the kids will turn out ok. I
for one don't believe in divorce, only
because of the way I was raised. I would
do anything in my power to try to fix or
salvage my marriage if it was in trouble.
My husband feels the same way.
My parents split when I was 13 and my
brother was 11. THey never once fought in
front of us kids, even when they were
married. They always took it to another
room or outside or waited until we went to
bed (so my mom says). My dad came to both
of us and asked if we wanted to that we
could come live with him, but he let us
kids decide. Being young, we both wanted
to live with my mom. My mom never kept
anything about our lives from my dad, and
he was always involved in every decision
that had to deal with us kids. Now that
an I am adult, I do not feel that I was
adversly affected by my parents divorce.
I think that when I was younger it
affected me, but nothing that lasted into
adulthood.
It truely is all in how you as the adult
handle the situation. If you make the
situation stressfull for the parents as
well as the child, obviously there will be
problems. But I think if the adults act
like civilized adults, then the chance of
the child not being negatively affected
are much less.
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tdr
Supporter
Joined: 05 Oct 2006 Posts: 1535 Location: Somewhere else...not here., PA USA
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Posted: 06-25-07 18:06pm
Do not ever put off divorcing "for the
sake of the kids, so they'll understand
when they're older." It makes for an awful
situation at home. I would know, my
parents have been divorcing since I was
12. 4 years later, they fight through
their lawyers (my dad's lawyer's name is
.Kami. I'm willing to bet she got her
degree online. She dots her i's with
hearts and is platinum blonde) and through
their children. I hate being the gobetween
and every time i try to say something
about it i'm told i'm not the gobetween
and yada yada yada. the children really
get ignored in many divorces because the
parents get too wrapped up in hating each
other.
can one of you adopt me, please?
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Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 06-25-07 18:30pm
My parents have been married for 31 years.
They will never divorce. They are a
pretty happy couple now, but they were not
always happily married. My dad was
abusive for the first half of their
marriage. Now, he isn't and is very
against verbal and physical abuse and
actually played a big part in my beliefs
about it.
I think whether or not divorce has a
negative effect on children depends
entirely upon the parents attitudes about
the divorce and their attitudes towards
their ex. Parents who are out to do
nothing but hurt their ex, even at the
expense of their children, are usually the
kind whose divorce ends up hurting the
children. I know several people whose
parents are divorced, but not bitterly,
and they claim that the divorce was better
for them.
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kaerbear
Most Diplomatic Poster
Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1557 Location: ,
Posted: 06-25-07 18:56pm
my mom was divorced more than once and
life was pretty chaotic when i was growing
up. the net effect on me (after some
counselling) is that i take my
relationship with my partner very
seriously and will do everything in my
power to make things work. that doesn't
mean i would put up with abuse or anything
like that, but if things were to take a
turn for the worse there would be marriage
counselling and a lot of talking and
trying to work things out before i would
just walk away from it. i think i chose a
little better than my mom ever did when it
comes to men, so i don't forsee a lot of
marital problems in the future. but i
have talked to my partner a lot about this
and we both agree that we will do
everything we can to treat each other with
respect always and that if we have
difficulties in the future we will work
very hard to keep our relationship
together. so far we are keeping that
promise and i am hopeful about the future.
i believe in the vows you take when you
get married to stay for better or for
worse and all that but i don't blame my
mother for divorcing because she was the
only one who was trying to make it work.
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mc4ever02
Supporter
Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3636 Location: Orlando, FL Usa
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Posted: 06-25-07 19:18pm
My mother is currently on her 3rd
marriage.
I think it has effected me alot and in
many different ways. Some positive and
some negative. It has definitely effected
the way I view and handle relationships.
But, I truely feel that it will effect
every child differently. It has alot to do
with how the parents handle the divorce.
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Cambion
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2005 Posts: 747
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Thanked:0
Posted: 06-25-07 20:32pm
My father left when I was an infant, so I
never really knew him, nor did I ever
yearn for a father figure growing up. The
only time Mom ever spoke negatively of him
was when she'd complain about certain
attributes of the house (which he designed
and built), but otherwise there was no
ranting about 'your good-for-nothing
father, blah blah blah, so on and so
forth'. It didn't really have an effect on
me, I guess.
That doesn't mean I missed out on
arguments - Mom and I lived with my
grandma for ten years, and those two were
always fighting. Grandma made my mom nuts,
and I do believe, had Grandma pushed the
right buttons at the right time, my mom
would have put her six feet under. Yes,
Grandma made my mom that nuts.
My mom hasn't been in a loving
relationship since my father left - she
only dates men now so she can have someone
help her pay the bills. She begged her
boyfriend to come back to her when he left
for another woman, and he did...and she's
always making sure I fawn all over him.
She forced me to get him a father's day
card to prevent him from leaving -
everytime a minor hardship comes up,
she'll say, "I can't have John leave -
who's going to fix my car/the sink/help me
pay for everything?". Never anything about
how much she loves him - she's just
worried about losing that extra
income...which is understandable, since I
know what she makes is definitely
laughable (not her fault, but just
saying).
Mom's attitude of "I need a man around to
help me afford to live" did leave a
lasting impression on me, though - it
prompts me to try my damnedest in college
so I can have a career that pays enough so
I can survive okay on my own. I am
extremely choosy about men, and I have
never ever wanted to be in a situation
where I would need to have a man to pay
the bills.
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*star*
Moderator
Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 1804 Location: ,
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Thanked:24
Posted: 06-26-07 08:29am
mc4ever02
wrote:
My mother is currently on
her 3rd marriage.
I think it has effected me alot and in
many different ways. Some positive and
some negative. It has definitely effected
the way I view and handle relationships.
But, I truely feel that it will effect
every child differently. It has alot to do
with how the parents handle the
divorce.
My mother is also on her 3rd marriage, but
only the second since my dad.
I think my parents divorse affected me
with my relationships as well. This goes
back to the parents staying together for
the sake of the children. My parents
split when I was 13, but when I was 8 they
seperated and then decided to get back
together. The way that it affected me was
that I never saw my parents be
affectionate. Not a hug, a kiss, holding
hands, nothing. I never thought anything
about it, I thought that was normal...So
you can imagine how that would affect me
as an adult trying to have my own
relationship and marriage. Well I didn't
get the chance to have it affect me. My
mom married her high school sweetheart a
year after my parents split and they had a
"normal" marriage as far as the affection
goes. They held hands, kissed, hugged,
and all that. By the time I started
dateing and having my own relationships, I
was well acustomed to how normal people
who are married act around each other.
I don't resent anything that my parents
did or didn't do in front of us kids. I
really don't ever think about it.
It just goes to show you that you can
influence a child with .A.N.Y action that
you protray to them. They are like
sponges!!!
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sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2701
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Posted: 06-26-07 09:48am
tdr
wrote:
Do not ever put off
divorcing "for the sake of the kids, so
they'll understand when they're older." It
makes for an awful situation at home. I
would know, my parents have been divorcing
since I was 12. 4 years later, they fight
through their lawyers (my dad's lawyer's
name is .Kami. I'm willing to bet she got
her degree online. She dots her i's with
hearts and is platinum blonde) and through
their children. I hate being the gobetween
and every time i try to say something
about it i'm told i'm not the gobetween
and yada yada yada. the children really
get ignored in many divorces because the
parents get too wrapped up in hating each
other.
can one of you adopt me,
please?
God, that sounds so awful. I know how
that is. I wish my parents could have
seen the future when they wer mucking up
our lives. I hardly have any relationship
with my dad anymore, and my brother is
verrry resentful. We both moved 1000
miles away from him so we could try to
piece together normal lives.
I'll adopt you!
I also keep my relationship with my
husband as a well-guarded treasure because
i know how fragile marriage can be. We
both work extremely hard to keep things
working well. It does take work!
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kaerbear
Most Diplomatic Poster
Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1557 Location: ,
Posted: 06-26-07 10:41am
i think what i had a hard time with as a
kid more than anything with divorce was
new boyfriends. it was always really
awkward and uncomfortable and i felt
sometimes like my mom was being taken away
from us kids and like the boyfriend was
somewhat resentful of us even though he
would act like he thought we were awesome.
and then when she remarried we were told
we had to call the new guy dad. that
still bothers me to this day because they
ended up having a really ugly relationship
and he was abusive and they divorced. i
was so ashamed of having called this guy
dad when all was said and done and i felt
like the whole family had been betrayed by
him not just my mom. i think if i were to
lose rich, god forbid, it would take me a
looooong long time to start seeing anyone
else. i just know how it affected my
siblings and i growing up when my mom
would have a new boyfriend and i hated it.
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HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8005 Location: Missouri, United States
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Posted: 06-26-07 12:09pm
god this makes me really sad reading all
of this stuff.
my parents were never married and my dad
was hardly ever around.
i met him for the first time when i was in
the 3rd grade and i absolutely loved him,
and i thought he was really cute hahaha
weird. and then he stopped coming around
and i was heart broken, i thought he was
just it! & then when i was 11 i
met him again and he was... "different" my
mom thinks he had a mental break down, I
cried when i had to go with him. i went
one time and we went to the races with my
brother and sister who i hadn't seen in
years, i was so happy! (on the way my dad
told me that my step mom would be there,
but he "had my back")
well we got there and my dad certainly
didn't have my back. my step mom said some
rude things to me and when my mom found
out they didn't sit well with her. so i
didn't talk to him again for years. then i
went to court about a year and a half ago
and saw him and he got my number and we've
been talking ever since then, but things
are too weird. i think it's too late... i
don't even feel comfortable around him at
alllll anymore. so i stopped returning his
calls, and he stopped calling all
together. i guess that's how this will
end, because im not going to try to
contact him again. i'm glad my mom didn't
marry him.
