my story is quite a long one, but id love
to get some feedback from people to help
me out. my boyfriend has quite a past that
i just cant seem to get over. weve been
dating for over a year now and have talked
about it numerous times. he had sex for
the first time when he was 13, the girl
being his girlfriend and also the same
age. they dated off and on for years. then
he had sex with a girl who was not his gf
but somewhat of a friend, it was just a
one time deal. then his next gf he had sex
with but their relationship from what i
know to be true was quite rocky. then a
few months after his breakup he had sex
with a good friend and they remained very
good friends until i came into the
picture. we had an incredibly rocky year
with him wanting to hang out with her bc
they were "just friends" but i refused to
let them hang out because of the fact they
had a past and he snuck behind my back on
many occasions to hang out with her and
never told me. i never had a boyfriend
until him. we were both 19 at the time and
he was my first for basically everything
except for kissing. it all meant so much
to me that i could share all my firsts
with him, but everytime i thought about it
i knew that he'd already done all these
things with someone else and it stung, a
lot. i have my views on a lot of things
and many of them are the opposite of the
choices my bf has made in his past. i know
i cant change anything hes done, but im
scared that this jealousy, anxiety,
whatever i feel about his past will never
change. if anyone has any words of advice
i would truely appriciate them.
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Re: Boyfriends Past Posted: 06-28-07 10:50am
lovedancer45
wrote:
my story is quite a long
one, but id love to get some feedback from
people to help me out. my boyfriend has
quite a past that i just cant seem to get
over. weve been dating for over a year now
and have talked about it numerous times.
he had sex for the first time when he was
13, the girl being his girlfriend and also
the same age. they dated off and on for
years. then he had sex with a girl who was
not his gf but somewhat of a friend, it
was just a one time deal. then his next gf
he had sex with but their relationship
from what i know to be true was quite
rocky. then a few months after his breakup
he had sex with a good friend and they
remained very good friends until i came
into the picture. we had an incredibly
rocky year with him wanting to hang out
with her bc they were "just friends" but i
refused to let them hang out because of
the fact they had a past and he snuck
behind my back on many occasions to hang
out with her and never told me. i never
had a boyfriend until him. we were both 19
at the time and he was my first for
basically everything except for kissing.
it all meant so much to me that i could
share all my firsts with him, but
everytime i thought about it i knew that
he'd already done all these things with
someone else and it stung, a lot. i have
my views on a lot of things and many of
them are the opposite of the choices my bf
has made in his past. i know i cant change
anything hes done, but im scared that this
jealousy, anxiety, whatever i feel about
his past will never change. if anyone has
any words of advice i would truely
appriciate
them.
well you can't help how
you feel and it doesn't make it any better
that he goes behind your back to hang out
with her.I would not want my man hanging
around some girl he had slept with
either.I totally understand where your
coming from.Sorry i'm not much help but if
you continue to let this bother you,things
will not turn out the way you want.what
has kept you with him for this long?
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lovedancer45
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 4
Posted: 06-28-07 11:56am
thanks for your post melissa! im glad that
you took the time out to read my story and
post some kind of support. ive stayed with
him because i truely do love him. i have
so much fun with him when were together
and we like to do a lot of the same
things. even things that i used to never
think i would do turn out fun when im with
him. we dated for a year and this girl
caused us a lot of trouble, i just simply
didnt want her hanging around him and vice
versa. the two of us could never see eye
to eye on the issue. he had told me about
7 months in that i was the one and that he
had never felt like this with anyone else
before. i felt the same way, but because i
had never had a boyfriend or love before i
had to really think if that was what i
wanted, esp with all the trouble we were
having and i decided that the good at that
point outweighed the bad. after our one
year things just went over the top and i
couldnt take the him and her thing ne
more, eventhough i knew he had never
cheated on me and i knew he never would i
was just uncomfortable with them hanging
out. i even tried to compromise with him
towards the end to say that he could see
her at parties and such but no one on one
and then what did he do, he hung out with
her just the two of them. after a year of
dating him i got to know how he thinks, n
i knew that in his mind he knew that he
was not kissing, touching or doing ne
thing sexually with her so therefore he
was not cheating on me, BUT he didnt have
that common sense to think "hmm would my
gf be happy if she knew i was hanging out
with this girl right now" and it just hurt
to also find out that he kept it from me.
so i got to the point where i just didnt
care anymore and eventho i had told him
many times how unhappy i was he did
nothing about it so i broke up with him.
after we broke up he said how sorry he was
and how much he missed me and how he would
not hang out with this girl ne more, but i
wanted nothing to do with him. months went
by and i began to miss him. miss his
company, miss the fact how i knew hed
ALWAYS be there for me no matter what,
miss the crazy adventures we would make
out of a bored night at school. so we
began talking again and i told him
everything, how i felt, why i broke up
with him, if there was going to be a next
time there would have to be serious
stipulations. we agreed and have been
dating again for about a month. he hates
when i bring up his past bc he sed it
happened in the past, theres nothing we
can do about it, so lets move on and
create our own future together. he really
has changed and hes done so much already
to prove that to me. i still have yet to
get over the fact of his past and i dont
know whether its bc i have never had a
past of my own, or bc of all this bull i
went through with this girl. he will talk
to me about his past, but i know he doesnt
enjoy it bc he likes to think in the now
and the fact that it hurts me so much he
tries to keep it off my mind as much as
possible. wow i know that was a long
post...sorry = ( i think its just also
better for me to just write it out and
talk to other people who kinda know what
im going through. thanks again for the
feedback!
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 06-28-07 13:38pm
no problem! You know,I think no matter
what your past is,you think about that
kind of stuff.I slept with some guys
before my ex and did not like to think
about him sleepign with others so I just
didn't put myslef ni the position to think
about it.And if I did,I threw that thought
away and thought "he's with me,he loves me
and only me so I should not care.I love
him".thats helps loads when you think
positive things.He may have given himself
to someone else before you,but say you get
married and have kids.*you* will be his
first wife, and *you* will bear his first
child.no matter what no one can take that
form you!
one piece of advice;since he is doing so
well and hsa come to his senses and our
old problems no longer exhist,don't bring
up the past.it will just put him down and
feel like he is not doing well enough and
he might just give up.
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womaninpain
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 179
Posted: 07-13-07 23:38pm
Fact is that most men you will find,
especially the older you get...have been
around the block if not once a few times
or maybe many. I have come to terms with
the fact that my fiance has slept with
half of the state lol...I have to make a
joke about it now. I have met girls while
in the mall with him and later found out
that he slept with them. These things are
of the past and that is just how I look at
it. Especially at the girls that were one
night stands or didn't mean anything. The
ones that really bother me are the ones
that he had relationships with...to this
day it still bothers me quite a bit and he
is not allowed to be around them. I don't
love the fact that he has slept with so
many people but it is what it is and he is
with me now. The girls that didn't last I
just look at it as I am the one with his
heart. We have been together for 10 years
on and off now but for the last 3 on
completely. I dont worry anymore that he
will cheat and you have to put yourself
out there to get somewhere. I realized
that the more insecure I felt the more
problems we had. The more I allowed myself
to trust him the more I did trust him and
it has been bliss not worrying. The fact
that he has gone behind your back to hang
out with her is sucky...that I agree with.
How about this...if she was his friend and
they are just friends then you all could
double date. If they only slept together
once then that was it. I have to admit
this...my best friend in the world is a
guy he is actually the person that
introduced my fiance and myself. We slept
together once before my fiance and I ever
got together... it was a mistake and
should not have happened. We dont talk
about it at all. When it first happened it
was wierd and we didn't speak for about a
month but once we did talk again we
discussed the fact that it just wasn't
right and that we should not let it get
between our friendship. I still talk to
him all the time. My fiance knows that I
slept with him and it bothers him a little
but he also realizes that is one friend
that he cannot get in the way of. My
fiance would not feel comfortable with us
hanging out alone and I understand that
but he is ok with us hanging out as long
as he is there. My best friend's
girlfriend doesn't even want to know me.
They have been together for 7 years and I
have never even met her although I know
alot about her and their relationship. He
and I talk sometimes everyday sometimes
once a month but we don't hang out because
we really at this point don't have a need
because of our significan others feelings.
So although we would like to see each
other and hang out we don't but that is
ok. If we could get our partners to go
along with double dating or something then
we would but at the same time we have
evolved into two totally different people
with totally different lifestyles and
circles of friends but we still love each
other very much and if when i get married
i could have a man of honor he would be
it. If I were you..I would deal with what
is going on now. The past is something you
can not change and in time you will learn
that it is what it is...the thing you have
to deal with is his respect for your
relationship and feelings. He needs to
understand how it would feel if he were in
your shoes maybe you should explain that
to him and maybe you could try to accept
their friendship and try to become a
friend of hers as well. I hope it works
out for you.
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notaseasyas123
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jul 2007 Posts: 4 Location: ca
Re: Boyfriends Past... Posted: 07-18-07 15:39pm
I sooo know what you are going through. A
year ago I managed to find out my wife had
some 20 lovers by age 19. I feel she had
something to hide from me. I know i have
lost something for her. I struggle
everyday with the concept that she has
nothing left to experience with a man. For
this and a few other reasons, such as
being deceitful on the topic, I feel
betrayed as well. I'm in a tough spot. We
have alot invested together. At least you
are not married, you can start over. Good
luck...if you want to share thoughts or
concerns, it might help. I'd love to chat.
