a Couple of Concerns - Not Sure What to Do. Posted: 06-28-07 10:08am
Thanks to anyone who is able to help me
with these concerns.
The concerns I have are two-fold.
Background: My 35 year old wife and I
have been married for ~3 years. (I'm 39).
I lost my six-figure job a year and a
half back, and have just accepted a job
which will relocate us to the East Coast.
My period of unemployment has definitely
been stressful, yet we've made it this
far.
While unemployed, I was still able to earn
a higher wage then my wife through
severance, unemployment, and a couple of
consulting projects However, previouse
debt from our wedding and new debt from
expenses incurred during unemployment has
given me/us $25K in credit card debt,
which my wife knows about. Meanwhile,
I've found out that she's been able to
save $20K during my unemployment period,
and now wants to use that money to take
several months off from work, rather than
pay down our credit card debt. I am
sympathetic to her wanting to take a
couple of months to get a break and get
settled in our new destination; however, I
believe waiting 6 months to look for work
is excessive, particularly with
consideration to our debt, which she seems
to view as "my" debt, even though much of
the debt stems from groceries, including
weekly wine dinners we've ended up hosting
for her family.
Also, I'm growing concerned by her Alcohol
use. We enjoy a couple of glasses with
dinner regularly; however, I'm noticing
that she continues to have another drink
or two after I go to bed. Also, I see
her personality become a bit ornery after
she's been drinking. Aside from
turning ornery after drinking, I've not
seen any other concerning behavior from
alcohol, but want to make sure her use
does not evolve into a problem for her and
us.
One additional note, my wife is not a
communicator. She tends to take a
passive aggressive approach to concerns,
though acknowledges this and does work on
it. Meanwhile, I try to pick my battles
and be gentle when raising concerns, but
find her to respond angrily when I broach
concerns, so I'm not sure how to approach
her correctly.
Thanks to anyone who can offer any insight
into how I can respond best to these
concerns.
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 06-28-07 10:40am
hmmmm,wow.Maybe she thinks life is too
short to give a crap about debt? I
don't know.i can understand how she would
want to take some time off of work but 2
months?thats a long vacation.do you think
you two could come to an agreement,like
she gets a few weeks off and you put 10-15
grand toward your debt?her drinking,well
it doesn't sound horrible but it could
become a problem.does she do this every
night or not so often?it may be a sign of
an alcoholic but i'm not sure as I don't
know her.Its not good especially where
sher is one of those people who doesn't
talk about their problems.She might have
to do some changing if she wants this
marriage to stay on the right track.Do you
guys have anything else to stress about
besides your debt and the big
move?anything stressful going on in her
life?
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trying2
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007 Posts: 3 Location: California
Posted: 06-28-07 11:24am
Thanks for your thoughts Melissa.
Ironically, as part of her argument, she
did use the "life's too short" phrase.
Frankly, I am not concerned if she takes a
month or two to relax and get our home
together, while putting a few resume's
out. I am extremely concerned if she's
planning to spend 6 months before she
looks for a job. I somehow wonder if she
believes she's 'entitled' to time off, as
I've been unemployed for a year and a
half. The difference, however, is that
I work in a high risk/high reward position
which allowed me enough resources that I
was still able to contribute more than "my
share" to our finances, even while
unemployed.
Regarding her Alcohol, I don't think its a
problem yet. But, concerned that she's
on the path, as I believe she's consuming
2 glasses of wine as well as another
liquor drink or 2 most nights. Also, see
her behavior shift for worse after she's
had a couple of drinks. She and I enjoy
our wine with dinner, but don't want her
to get to the point where she can't drink
at all.
The uncertainty of my unemployment has
been our biggest stress, and frankly it
has effected our relations a bit. She
wants to start a family, but have been
waiting 'til we were back on track. (And
if she wanted to leave the work force to
raise kids, I would be supportive).
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 06-28-07 13:45pm
trying2
wrote:
Thanks for your thoughts
Melissa.
Ironically, as part of her argument, she
did use the "life's too short" phrase.
Frankly, I am not concerned if she takes a
month or two to relax and get our home
together, while putting a few resume's
out. I am extremely concerned if she's
planning to spend 6 months before she
looks for a job. I somehow wonder if she
believes she's 'entitled' to time off, as
I've been unemployed for a year and a
half. The difference, however, is that
I work in a high risk/high reward position
which allowed me enough resources that I
was still able to contribute more than "my
share" to our finances, even while
unemployed.
Regarding her Alcohol, I don't think its a
problem yet. But, concerned that she's
on the path, as I believe she's consuming
2 glasses of wine as well as another
liquor drink or 2 most nights. Also, see
her behavior shift for worse after she's
had a couple of drinks. She and I enjoy
our wine with dinner, but don't want her
to get to the point where she can't drink
at all.
The uncertainty of my unemployment has
been our biggest stress, and frankly it
has effected our relations a bit. She
wants to start a family, but have been
waiting 'til we were back on track. (And
if she wanted to leave the work force to
raise kids, I would be
supportive).
well you didn't take time
off work cause you wanted to,you did it
because you had no job to go back to,not
the same thing.Maybe try not to encourage
her drinkig anymore.don't drink wine at
dinner drink soda or something?not sure
about that but I would try and talk to her
about your concerns and see what she
says.make sure to stay calm when talking
even if she gets angry! if your
unemployment was such a big stressor maybe
her taking time off right before your move
is not a good idea.Maybe get her to wait a
while until your more stable and even try
having a child,then she can be a stay at
home mother!
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Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 06-28-07 16:24pm
Maybe you guys could compromise. Use half
of the savings to pay towards your debt
and maybe agree to allow her three months
to take off instead of six. It seems like
meeting each other half way is the only
solution here.
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nightangel73
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Nov 2005 Posts: 2607 Location: ,
Thanks: 17
Thanked:13
Posted: 06-28-07 17:55pm
i think this guy is good husband but what
can you do about someone that is not
willing to cooperate in a marriage? One
alone can't fix things..
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Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 06-29-07 06:14am
My intrepretation: Your wife drinks and in
your opinion..........too
much............ask yourself
why?...........why do people drink too
much? oversocializing? somethings missing
from their life?
depression?....................to get the
communication going.............ask
indirect questions................"Honey,
is this how you pictured married life?"/
"if you could do anything what would it
be?"........is the baby really an
issue?.......she is 35 afterall?!
..........
......Yeah, life is too
short...............but the bills are
unfortunately still there..............in
marriage like it or not the bills are
"ours" not just one persons.........
.............Compromise is needed, but
don't think that 6 mos is
required..............the last thing a
depressed person needs is more time on
their hands
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trying2
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2007 Posts: 3 Location: California
Posted: 06-30-07 11:27am
Thanks to everyone for their great
thoughts. I appreciate your help.
I
don't know.i can understand how she would
want to take some time off of work but 2
months?thats a long vacation.do you think
you two could come to an agreement,like
she gets a few weeks off and you put 10-15
grand toward your debt?her drinking,well
it doesn't sound horrible but it could
become a problem.does she do this every
night or not so often?it may be a sign of
an alcoholic but i'm not sure as I don't
know her.Its not good especially where
sher is one of those people who doesn't
talk about their problems.She might have
to do some changing if she wants this
marriage to stay on the right track.Do you
guys have anything else to stress about
besides your debt and the big
move?anything stressful going on in her
life?
