Is This Marriage Over Or Should I Keep Trying?? Posted: 07-07-07 03:04am
Hello all. I never thought I would be
posting on a forum to ask if my marriage
is over or not, but I need help. Heres
the sitution.
Weve been married 4 years, together about
6. About 7 months ago, I started to
notice there seemed to be a distance
between the wife and myself. I tried over
and over to determine if anything was
wrong, but she always said all was fine.
Then, about 2 months ago, I caught her on
the phone with someone, while she thought
I was busy. It was then that she
confessed that she wasn't sure she made
the right decision getting married when
she did. (I was 28, she was 20 when we
married). She said she felt she got
married too young and missed out on too
much. So, she left and went to her
parents house, out of state. After a week
or two, i got her to come home. We agreed
to focus more on us. About 2 weeks later
I come home to find a note saying she left
to stay with a man she met on the
internet, who's like 20 years older than
her I might add. I was devastated! I
love her so much! But my friends and
family were so supportive, they really
helped, and within a week or two, I was
back on my feet and feeling a little
better. Her and I had been talking daily,
and about that time we decided we should
give "us" another try. She came back to
me in time for us to celebrate our
anniverisity, we went on vacation and
tried to reconnect, I forgave her for all
transgressions, I really did, she slept
with this guy, but I wanted to forget it.
Anyway, I still felt like there was some
distance between us and when we got back
from our trip, I found out she had called
him. When I asked her about it, she
admitted she wanted to go back to him.
Even then, she says its like a "break" or
"seperation" but her leaving me and coming
back and leaving again is killing me. I
have had the attitude that I needed to
keep trying to work things out, but is it
time to force a divorce?? She has left me
for this other guy twice now, and she'll
be back again most likely, only to leave
me again im thinking. She is the first
woman I really loveed with my whole heart.
We have been thru so much joy and pain,
we lost a son, we've been thru so much, I
have been going all out to try and forgive
and make this work. If she would have
said she hated me, I could have moved on,
but she says she loves me! But how can
you love someone and do this to them?!
Has anyone been in a similar situation??
Do you keep fighting for someone that
cheated on you like this, or do you cut
them loose?? I am so in love that I feel
Im becoming a doormat and she can come and
go as she pleases, but I dont want to give
up on us prematurely.
Any advice welcome. I know, I probably
seem a fool, but I love her so much, I
want to keep her, and she keeps coming
back but keeps leaving too.
Do I keep fighting for her or no??
|
Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 07-07-07 06:29am
Similar situation..................and no
your not a fool................your in
love, and we do do things that we would
normally tell other people not to do when
we're thinkin
straight..........................I'd say
it's over and hanging on will just prolong
your pain......................sometimes
we just grow apart................and your
life will be different.................but
it doesn't have to be
worse..............it can get much better
|
entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do Posted: 07-07-07 21:25pm
Hi, PepperK:
I am so terribly sorry for what you're
going through. You must feel like you're
on a rubberband, being pulled back then
pushed away.
It's very hard to marry someone with the
age difference that you two have--she
being just out of her teens and high
school and you being a little farther down
the road. Sometimes people in those
situations have different expectations of
what they want out of life.
Ah, she's your first "True Love". I've
posted on this forum enough to see that
the First True Love Experience is very
painful (as was mine). You started dating
her when she was 18 and you were 26?
Hmmm, but what do I know?
From what you've written you married "for
life". She maried for however long, if it
doesn't work then just throw it away.
I've been married for 11+ years but I was
38 when we got married and were together
for five before that (we each backed out
once).
I was brought up to believe that one
married for better *and* for worse but
over time I've also realized that a
"spouse" is not another name for a
"doormat". She doesn't appear to be a
very stable person and may have married
too young (as she told you).
It doesn't help that you lost a son--that
may have caused something inside her to
"snap". There's a chance that she feels
guilty for that and she's punishing
herself (and you secondly) for that by
doing this destructive behavior.
Unfortunately, the ball's in her court on
that one and there isn't anything you can
do.
How much about her home life did you know
about before the two of you married? Did
she come from a stable home? Was there
abuse or neglect? It's possible she grew
up with a dysfunctional model about what
love and relationships.
I think you know what you need to do and
may be afraid to take that first step
away. What is the law regarding "marital
separation" in your State? You don't have
to do something that drastic but you may
want to consider just separating from her
for awhile until you can get your head and
heart together. It sounds like you have a
very good support network and it's time to
start using it again. Maybe consider
going to a Marital Counselor on your own
or some other kind of mental health
professional right now to help you over
this hump.
You're not a fool--I cornered the market
on that years ago. She's the one that may
be losing the best thing in her life.
Good luck and keep posting. Not all women
are like her--if this relationship goes
south, please don't think that any future
ones will be like this.
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PepperK
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jul 2007 Posts: 2 Location: USA
Posted: 07-08-07 06:01am
Thank you for the replies guys. If this
post twice or something similar, its an
accident.
Yes, there is an 8 year age difference
between us, but I didnt go searching for
teenagers to date, we met at my brothers
wedding, she was a bridesmaid and I was
the best man, so we were in the same
network of people. Plus, I didnt go after
her, she got permision from her parents
then got relatives to "set us up". I was
very against it at first, because of the
age difference, but also wondered if she
might be the one.
Her childhood wasnt ideal, her parents had
a very messy divorce when she was 10 or
11, but she did have a very nice
stepfather.
It's becoming clear that I have to move
on, its just im not the type to give up on
someone, and she keeps saying she still
loves me, so I keep thinking I have to
keep hoping, but logically, if she loved
me this wouldnt be happening. The one
lesson I keep having to learn over and
over is that I dont know it all. We were
so in love, i felt like we could never
break up, it just felt so permanent! I
felt I knew what was in her heart. I
think the last 2 years has been rough for
her, because of the difficulties getting
pregnant, and then the last 6 months, we
seemed to drift apart. I realized it,
too, but nothing I did seemed to bring us
closer, there was always that distance
between us.
Im feeling I need to bring this to some
kind of end, but who wants to go down that
road, ya know? I just feel like
everything is over. Not to be dramatic,
but it feels like if my life were a book,
I just reached the end. No, I dont feel
suicidal, nothing like that. Just, like
its all over for me. I used to believe,
when I was younger, that everyone found
someone. Before I met her, I was coming
to the realization that no, somepeople
never find thier significant other.
Well, thank you both for your replies, I
appreciate it. This all probably sounds
dumb, but I've never been thru something
like this.
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WannaBigBabyBelly
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2007 Posts: 27
Posted: 07-08-07 22:29pm
Hello,
I think your such a good guy, to want your
marriage to work out! and do whatever it
takes to make it work like keep letting
her come in and out as she pleases!! I
havent experienced this before, but I grew
up in a household where my mom was doing
the same thing to my father!! He was like
you, he loves my mom, and wanted for the
marriage to work, because of the vows they
took! He kept on working at it, and my
parents have been together for 15 years,
and I can remember alot of nights when my
dad would just say that he felt so dumb,
but its not dumb its LOVE!! If you feel
its worth it, work on it!! but follow your
heart!!! Good luck...
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Hi, Pep: Posted: 07-10-07 19:13pm
I had a nice long reply posted buy I
somehow lost it
I apologize if I gave the impression you
were "trolling for teens". I didn't mean
for it to come across that way.
It's getting past my bedtime so I'll try
and write more tomorrow or so.
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Makoto
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jul 2006 Posts: 263 Location: Japan
Posted: 07-10-07 22:30pm
Dude, I think it is okay to call it quits.
She is using you. You could give her the
one last time thing. Make sure she knows
you are serious, and do not say it if you
are not.
