Parenting Debate Forum - Sexual Abuse And Children


Sexual Abuse And Children

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sillyakchick

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Sexual Abuse And Children Posted: 07-09-07 12:35pm


I recently found out that the boy (who was 12 years older than me) who lived next door to me growing up is a registered sex offender. I asked my parents if anything ever happened to me, and my father said no, but my mother said yes, and she didn't want to really elaborate. She said if I don't remember it, then I shouldn't be asking about it because it is best that way. SHe also said that it wasn't a "really big deal". I know that this kid ended up being institutionalized when I was a kid, and then he came and "apologized" to my parents years later, but I never knew why. So, is it better that we shelter this from our kids, or should we tell them what happened? The reason I ask is because sometimes I feel uncomfortable being touched, and I can't sleep without my shirt on. I hate people looking at or touching my breasts. Are people like this who weren't abused or molested? Should we tell our kids about these things, or just sweep it under the rug?

AyaMiyaki

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Posted: 07-09-07 12:41pm


I don't think you should hide it from your children, but I don't think it should be brought up until the child is old enough to somewhat understand what you're saying to them. I also think that when you tell your child, you should be able and willing to get them professional counseling to help them deal with the situation. I wish your parents hadn't kept that from you, hon.

kaerbear

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Posted: 07-09-07 13:36pm


when something happens to a child at a very young age they often aren't able to remember it properly because they don't have the language to describe it. sometimes the memory will come back as only a feeling or maybe a smell or an image. if you have issues that are disrupting your life you should seek counselling whether you believe you were molested or not. sometimes the memory will come back and sometimes it won't but the problem here and now is what you really need to deal with if it is affecting your life. if it was something like the guy exposing himself to you, then i guess it wouldn't be such a "big deal" like your mom said but if you were touched sexually maybe they should have had you see a counsellor although they may have opted not to if you didn't show any signs or symptoms of being traumatized or otherwise affected by the incident. maybe your parents didn't even know anything had happened until much later when the boy apologized and they saw no benefit in bringing it up after you had seemingly forgotten it. sometimes bringing it up again would only make things worse. that is an assessment that the parents and any other adult dealing with the incident would have to decide on. now that you are an adult it is your call to make whether you seek counselling or not. i went through group counselling for women with ptsd that wasn't specifically for sexual abuse survivors (in fact i was the only one there dealing with that issue) but it was still very helpful and healing.

Jude-Love

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Posted: 07-09-07 16:18pm


I think any child who is molested or abused should get counseling immediately after, but I can definitely understand why some parents are afraid of making a huge deal about abuse.

Mommy35

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Posted: 07-09-07 17:31pm


I don't think you should hide that kind of thing from your children either. You don't remember that you may have been a victim of sexual abuse today, but that isn't to say in a year or two, or 10 you won't start having issues associated with it. At least then you will know what is going on so you can get the appropriate help. I was never sexually molested as a child and .I prefer to sleep with a shirt on. I don't like to sleep uncovered. I am quite modest when it comes to my body.

Birch

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Posted: 07-09-07 19:32pm


Holy schnit, sillyakachick, that is one heck of a thing to learn! Man, I think it is a "really big deal" and that sheltering that from someone is not a good idea at all. I'm sorry to hear that. Sheltering = denial (sometimes) to me. Where there's smoke... IMHO

lovesmesomedico

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Posted: 07-10-07 00:21am


I've often wondered if anything has happened to me... My mother was often around some pretty trashy people and certain family members have made comments that have made me wonder if I was ever abused by anyone. I'm too scared to ask because nothing is kept private in my family and if I ask someone, the news will spread and it will become a big embarrassing mess. I'm 21 and the furthest I've ever gone with a guy is over the clothes touching and kissing. At one time, a guy I really felt for showed some interest in me but the second he got on top of me, I freaked out and actually ended up punching him to get him off of me. Needless to say we haven't spoken since. That kind of issue isn't something to be kept from anyone. Unfortunately, that stuff happens and if it happens to a child, they should know about it so they're not confused about themselves later on in life. I don't remember my childhood at all, I never have. I've gone to therapy but my therapist seemed more interested in getting me into college than any of the mental issues I was facing so I stopped going.

kaerbear

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Posted: 07-10-07 00:40am


i went to a psychiatrist for depression and i didn't like it at all. she seemed to be always watching the clock and i could just see the dollar signs adding up in her mind. later, while i was at work printing photos in a photo lab, i saw her picture with marker all over her face in a plastic surgeon's film. lol. she was getting a face lift. i just couldn't go talk to her anymore after that it kind of weirded me out. but yeah, you need to try another therapist or another kind of therapy if you feel like you have issues that need to be resolved. people don't neccessarily know what exactly happened to you and in the end, it's not the actual event that matters as much as how you dealt with, and continue to deal with it if that is what is giving you problems. children are very resilient and have natural coping mechanisms when something traumatic happens to them (like forgetting or withdrawing for instance). but what happens is that as you get older and the incident is over with, you continue to use that coping mechanism in times of stress. at some point it becomes unhealthy to keep using it and you need to unlearn it and learn new ways to deal that are healthier and more productive. if it is an incident that you forgot that is still affecting you, it may be that you need to try to remember it and grieve it so you can put it behind you. i learned so much about myself in therapy and i learned that the abuse was only part of why i was the way i was. sometimes you don't need to have been abused in obvious ways to need therapy. sometimes it's just a matter of dealing with insecurities or self esteem issues as well. anyway, i hope you figure it all out. i just like to ramble sometimes. pregnancy insomnia!!

nvrgv^

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Sexual Abuse And Myself Posted: 07-12-07 22:27pm


I was sexually abused as a child. The only times I rememebr was from the time I was six, and I was raped and beat by my mother's boyfriend. Upon discussing our living situation back then, my sister told me that when my mom was cheating on my dad (I was about three or four) that her boyfriend Billy would molest both me and her. I don't rememebr such things happening, and when I asked my mom about it, she immediately denied it, and told me to never bring it up again. I believe she knows soemthing about it, but no one else will sya anymore to me about it. I feel violated and sick inside. I would really like to know what happened, but everyone refuses. I think if something happens to your children, you should tell them, no matter what. It's the same effect as saying,"I know when and how you're going to die" and making it a huge cliffhanger.