Lonely And Without Motivation In a Great City Posted: 07-09-07 22:54pm
So I started getting depressed when my
Grandpa died in 4th grade and my entire,
picture-perfect world was destroyed and
reality hit. After Jr High (worst years
of my life) and High School (second-worst
serious of years in my life) and after 1
year of college that I hardly passed, I
have hardly made progress. Okay that's a
complete lie. I've made huge strides and
have gone to 1 club and had a total blast
doing it. There is just so much though.
When I left my small town to San
Francisco, I used to tell everyone how I
would love to go clubbing and how clubbing
would be the best thing in the world and
now that I'm here, I've only gone ONCE. I
have hardly any friends because I've
changed so much over this first year that
I guess the people who liked who I WAS
lost interest. I was horrible first
semester. I lived in the dorms and had
multiple panic attacks and so now I have
my own apartment but am not doing much
better. I have no roommates so I feel
lonely. I don't socialize with my
neighbors. I have a bird now, finally,
and talk to her all the time (which isn't
weird, by the way, talking to your animals
is known to be theraputic and she's
extremely cute!). She's a parakeet about
6 years old and she's so adorable and so
playful. My old parakeet that helped me
through the worst years of my life is 13
years old and back in Merced, my
hometown.
Okay, enough background I guess. Sorry if
I bored many of you and hopefully you made
it through that, or at least skipped it.
Nothing seems to be good enough anymore.
I did Tae Bo for almost 3 months and lost
so much weight and got to a great size and
felt SO good and promised myself I'd never
quit but lately I'm just so tired. I
think it's my social and love life. I
don't have it. All my friends from
college are gone, while I'll never live in
my hometown again. I can't. My family is
impossible.
My parents hate my sexuality. I'm gay and
they won't hear of it, overly
conservative. We just pretend that it
doesn't exist and just talk about other
things and other people. It's very
superficial, and I hate it, I really hate
it. It bothers me everyday since I talk
to my mother on the phone everyday. I'm
such a self-proclaimed mama's boy and I
don't care! Anyway, the death of my
Grandpa and Grandma just about killed me.
My grandpa was religious but he cussed and
was down-to-earth while the rest of my
family is gossipy and superficial and he
died and so the superficiality took over.
My Grandma was from the other side of the
family and lived in LA and she was so real
and worldly and would have accepted my
sexuality, the only one in my family to
have, and she died and now I have no one
in my family to fully accept me. It kills
me every day.
All of the pains from the past hold on to
me and I had a long talk with a close
friend, who moved to New York for school
and, well, life, who said that she
believes I'm amazing and that it kills her
that I don't see that and that I don't
have confidense to do what I truly want to
do. Honestly? I want to sing, dance,
act, play instruments, ANYTHING to do with
music and performing. I have zero
confidense to do it though. Zero. I am
so afraid of failure. At the same time,
though, I'd love to work in an office, a
giant highrise downtown, top floor with a
wonderful view of the city. I haven't
even had one job yet, waited until I was
18 to get a drivers license and now I'll
never drive again because I don't really
trust myself behind the wheel and you just
don't need to drive in a big city. Public
transportation is a health forum but it's
MUCH better than the anxiety of driving
for me... plus it's a TON cheaper!
I just don't know what to do anymore. I
know I'm a good person and I know I'm
appealing but I keep rehashing all those
times I was condemned and hurt and it
hurts me even more today. I just don't
know how to let go. I had many traumatic
experiences when I first came out and I
was so scared of being sent out on the
street. You know what I was mostly afraid
of? A group-church-therapy session with
elders from the church to "help save me."
I was so scared. I know who I am and I am
damn tired of people making me feel guilty
when I don't need to. People say that the
guilt I feel is God telling me I'm doing
something wrong but look at the facts
people. When you are raised to believe
something and you are something else, of
COURSE you will naturally feel guilty.
Like in the past how African Americans
were horridly mistreated for their skin
color. Growing up they were taught they
were wrong although there was nothing they
could do about it so they naturally felt
guilty, you know??
I can say these logical things over and
over again in my head but I just still
feel like caca and I know I'm clinically
depressed and it's the only reason. I
don't feel guilty anymore, I just feel
hurt from all the rejection in my life and
it's keeping me from moving on. I just
don't know what to do. I've done
everything. I've seen psychologists and
psychiatrists and I'm on a bunch of meds
which just take away the severe anxiety
factor but now I am calm enough to sit and
think which is more lethal than my anxiety
which kept me going. Sure it made me a
crazy mess in the head and I had
breakdowns all the time from the pressure
I put on myself, but I got straight A's
and did everything in the world to
progress in the world.
Now I just sit and watch TV in my
apartment. I'll occasionally go out if
someone is in the City and can go with me
or whatever... I hate even leaving the
apartment alone. I feel self-conscious
and at the same time I get really bored
without anyone to share the time with.
My lease ends in November and my current
solution to my isolation and lack of
motivation is to move downtown since,
currently, I live out my San Francisco
State which is in the "***hole of San
Francisco" I call it. You can't even see
the majority of the city from here. It's
over twin peaks... and I'm waaaaay on the
other side, I'm about half a mile from
Daly City. I want to move downtown. My
parents say I can when my lease is up. At
the same time I DO feel guilty for being
gay, only because I could never ask my
wonderful parents to give up their beliefs
but at the same time I am using their
money to go against them. I buy clothes
and products and whatnot to make myself
appealing to other men which, right there,
breaks their beliefs. That's not even to
mention the sex I've had on the bed
THEY've bought, or on the couch they
purchased with me, or in the shower they
pay rent for, or the kitchen table....
etc. etc.... or the condoms... or the
wine... I'm only 19 but hello, it's the
city, there is always a way to get stuff.
I hope I don't sound arrogant, but I am
just miserable, and when I'm miserable I
get overly sarcastic. I've stopped
working out, just gave up after Pride '07.
Someone there actually said
"gay-retarded" near me and I keep telling
myself it was about me because he said it
as he passed me. Sure I looked amazing...
to my standards at least, which are pretty
high... but... I just don't know. The
thing is that it's not MY standards I need
to meet, it's the rest of the world. How
else am I going to move up in the world if
I just meet MY unique standards??
<--see? it's THESE kind of irrational
and ridiculous ideas that keep me in the
rut I'm in.
If someone could make it through this
entire post... or feel they are in a
similar position I'm in, please respond.
Every message I get from people trying to
help or even just relating to me means the
world to me.
There is so much to say but I have written
enough for now.
Thank you for your time,
Timothy
|
Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 07-10-07 07:57am
"Goals that are not written down are just
wishes"..............this quote got me off
my a** and start moving in my
life.............what do you
want?...........what most people
want?.............to have some who loves
and accepts you(top
priority)....................a
job?friends?a social
life?..............nobody can live your
life for you...................and I could
give a flyin F*** if your
gay.................good people is good
people..........
.............put the remote control
down.............and get going and don't
let anyone stop
you.................they'll always be
people who won't accept
you.............for whatever
reason..............their
problem.......not
yours................it's your
life.................live it to the .Max!
I have been very lost since the death of
my grandfather he was my father in also
every way my real father is not ... well
he is just not really a good father. His
death has been so hard he died just before
my last daughter was born. He died a very
painful death which he did not deserve.
Right before he died My husband and mother
and I drove from here the 14 hours to
their city to see him and say our good
byes but thaat never really happens. When
we arrived in calgary i went straight to
his hospital room and I had to show him
pictures of us together so he knew who i
was. I was so hurt and full of sorrow that
he had disappeared so much already from
the pain meds. We were told he would live
for another 6 months so we all left I said
goodbye to him he was my "huggie" since i
was little. I was not aloud to go back for
the final days a week later and I also was
not allowed to travel there for the
funeral. I regret this but I was already
in labour with my third child and it was
to early for her to be born. Well enough
bout the sad stuff. I lived with a woman
for 5 years and my family did not like at
all I loved her very much and still do all
though no longer romanticly. We moved to
Calgary together i took care of her. I had
no friends really when I was with her 1
she was controling 2 I had to work 3 jobs
just to keep her. At that time I did not
care I was in love with her.
Now I am married to a man and very happy
and would never go back to the homosexual
life style. For me being gay was a choice
I made. I do not know if it really is a
choice for everyone but it was for me. I
also made the choice to follow christ. And
try to live my life for him. According to
the bible homosexuallity is wrong. But I
think that if you were "born" this way
then I just do not know. Any ways I admire
you that your are out and open about being
gay I think this is a great step to
becoming a happier person. Do you love
yourself? Do you love the life you have
chosen? If you answer yes then just be
proud of who you are and what your gifts
as a person are. Friends are a dime a
dozen you need to try and find true
friends ones that do not leave when the
caca hits the fan. Have you tried some of
the gay bars inyour area or a club. I know
the one here has a club where only gay men
are allowed and a few mixed nights. they
have crib tournaments, darts, pool,
outtings so you can meet other gay men. I
want you to know that even though I am a
true Christian I still love you. I want
you to be happy. You could also try
talking to god he will always listen and
he will always be there for you. No
pressure you decide whats best for you. if
you would like to talk some more reply to
this and we can exchange emails and talk
alittle more privately but only if you
want
|
TimRoseland
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 6 Location: ,
Posted: 07-10-07 23:22pm
They thanks for both your comments!! I
loved them both and they both helped me.
I do believe in God and most of the
Christian teachings... I just happen to
know that God doesn't expect perfection
and he overall just wants you to grow and
so I believe God is much more lenient than
the church teaches. I had a bad church
experience in my little home town. My
family was completely rejected from it
from absolutely no good reason. Now, it
wasn't outright rejection, but slowly
people stopped talking or socializing with
us and they would change plans for things
and not tell us so we'd go and the
location of the event would be completely
changed without our knowledge. We were
hurt many times. My parents still go, but
I gave up going to churches, at least ones
that don't accept my sexuality, all
together.
And truly, I believe the only reason your
gay life was so horrible for you was
because people dont' know how to accept
it. Look back at all that was miserable
and, only from what you said, I bet it is
because of how you were treated. Gays and
lesbians are still so rejected in society,
it is obvious that we are going to be far
more rough around the edges. Your
girlfriend was probably going through a
lot too, not to give her an excuse because
mistreating people is NEVER okay in my
book, no matter what reason. And you seem
like a great person, your lack of friends
at that point wasn't your fault I'm sure.
Anyway, thanks for giving me time and a
lot of your thoughts. It means a lot and
it really helped. I do talk to God a lot.
I find myself talking to myself and my
bird a lot, but I know it's Him I'm
talking to. He always finds a way to make
everything work out for the best, and
that's my favorite part. I'm sad now, but
honestly I know I'm where I am supposed to
be and that in the future everything will
benefit from this pain.
I know this seems like an entire mood
shift from last night, but every night I
do a lot of thinking and I usually come to
many breakthroughs. After I typed up this
entry last night, I realized that I'm not
supposed to have many friends and a job or
be successful in school right now. That
isn't to say I won't still try my utmost
best to do well in all those areas, but
obviously I need to learn a few things
before I try to tackle those areas.
I think I need to learn how to trust
myself. I was raised not trusting myself.
I was raised learning to be guilty for
most of the things I wanted in life and
that's not right so I am finally teaching
myself not to feel guilty for being me and
to finally trust my instinct. Can you
imagine growing up even being afraid to
hold a baby because you don't trust
yourself?? I've had many nightmares of me
dropping a baby cousin because of that
simple, irrational fear. That's just one
of the many examples. Anyway, it's taken
me many years but I'm finally breaking
through all of that.
If you want to exchange emails, that would
be cool. It would be cool to chat, I'm
being optimistic though and I'm preparing
to be busy with a job and big social life
soon. I'm meeting new people everyday
because I'm finally being optimistic and
confident and it's nice. I need to just
fill out a d*mn resume... I'm paranoid
because I've never had a job in my life
and I just feel like my resume will be a
joke. That's pathetic though, right? Who
is going to believe in me if I dont' even
believe in myself?? So, that's what I'm
working on, believing in myself. I'm
getting there.
Okay I'm tired talking about me haha, I do
that too much.. i just have alot to work
though.
hello there glad you are feeling better
about things. as for my lesbian
relationship we were out to everyone and
neither of us really cared to much what
anyone else thought. It failled because my
lover cheated on me. Like I said I maid a
choice to be with her. Now I have made the
choice to herosexual and nothing else. I
believe in only one husband/wife/partner
especially now that I have little ones to
take care of. I will never go back. She
was the only women I have ever wanted to
be with. We split a few times for very
short periods of time and I did see other
women but was not comfortable. I have to
love someone to be with them romanticly
other wise it does not work for me. My
partner at the time did go through alot
and so did I. We are still friends now
and she is an aunt to my girls. Mind yu
she live across the country from me but I
will always love her. When I looked at a
relationship it has never been about sex
for me more the relationship. I think to
many gays and lesbians get this part mixed
up and all they really look for some is a
good time mostly the younger ones. Here's
my addy please edit out when have it.
thanks
Karen
