Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - I Want Out And I Am Scared ...

I am so new to this site...I didn't think that there were forums out there for this kind of thing and I really thank god that there are. Here is my situation. I was best friends with this guy for a long time, we got together and 6 months later I was pregnant. Things were great until I was about 5 months pregnant. It was obvious that he was cheating on me and he became verbally and emotionally abusive. He denied the cheating thing and continued with the verbal abuse. When I was 6 months pregnant I told him I knew that things werent right with us and maybe we should split up and go our seperate ways and that if he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby he didn't have to have anything to do with us (I was driving the car when this happened) He looked at me and flipped out screaming and then he started to choke me. I was crying and he stopped. Never did he apologize for that. We remained living together and sleeping in the same bed and I found out when I was 7 months that he split up with the girl that he was cheating on me with and told her that he was having a baby and he then decided that he was going to try and make it work. Everything was ok and he treated me ok for a while. When my daughter was 6 months old it all started again. The cheating and the verbal and emotional abuse. He would take our (my) car and leave for days with me and the baby in the house alone and he wouldn't pick up his phone. When my daughter was about 9 months old the physical abuse started again. He would push me and I wouldn't do anything but cry...the emotional and verbal abuse would continue. One day he pushed me and I pushed back, he tried to push me again and I fell back and hit my head on the side of the wall and fell to the ground. I was in shock and was hysterical crying. He didn't apologize and told me it was my fault and gave me an icepack. He then took our daughter and walked out of the house and said he wasn't coming back. He came back later that night.

Throughout all of this the verbal and emotional abuse kept going. I could never do anything right to him or good enough. If the baby got sick he would say it was because I didn't dust well enough, if she got hurt it was my fault, if ANYTHING happened it was ALWAYS my fault. There was a day when he didn't come home and it was 4am so I called him he came home at about 5am ripped the sheets off the bed rolled them into a ball and threw it at my face, I had a bloody nose and a bruise. Another day he took a pillow and pegged me in the face with it and I freaked out and started to punch and scratch him. He would never hit me with his hands per say and a lot of the time he would punch holes in the walls. Finally he threatened to kill me so I called the police and filed a report, then I called his mother and told her and she was scared for me and told me to leave so I did. I moved in with my parents and left all that I had behind. All I took with me were some of my and my daughter's clothes and some pictures. I figured even though it was all my stuff it was worth losing to be out of the situation.

Things got messy with court and I had a restraining order put on him after seeing him one day when he pushed me and spit in my face. We did the whole custody thing and everything was done. I was sad and I loved him and it was so hard for me but I knew it was what I had to do. Two years went by and I didnt really hear from him much and he had supervised visits so I didn't see him at all. One day he called me and asked me to bring my daughter to see his mother for her birthday so I decided to do it, he said he wouldn't be there. Well I showed up and he was there. Everyone said how he changed and was going to church and finished his anger management and was a different person. I wasnt going to give him a chance, I had gotten so far and became so strong, but I did...I was so in love with him and wanted it so badly that I just jumped right back into it with him after 2 years.

I told him I will not put up with all of the stuff he used to do. He finally apologized to me for all of the bad things he did and said he realized how I felt and how wrong he was. He told me he loved me for the first time in all of those years and that he realized what he had when it was gone. He propsed to me 2 months later and everything was wonderful. This was 3 years ago. Everything was perfect with us for 10 months, he treated me like a queen and was so amazing. I dont know when exactly it happened or what exactly happened but it all started again, the verbal and emotional abuse. Little by little it was happening again. Now it is to the point where it is not little by little it is just about everyday, the words said are worse than ever, now everyday I am told I am an fool or a person, or stupid he is yelling at me constantly for little things or things that are not even my fault directly. EVERYTHING is my fault...everything. Stupid things make him fly off the handle now and he turns it around to be something that he can blame on me. He makes me feel like I am worthless and a horrible person and that I can do nothing right. Last week I raised my voice to him and he showed up at my house and got in my face screaming telling me that I am not to talk to him that way, he cornered me and was screaming and spitting in my face. I asked him to get out of my face and he wouldn't so I tried to walk away and he cornered me again and I tried to push my body into his to walk away and he grabbed my face, my nose and lip were sore for 2 days but there were no bruises. After that he is angry but the next day he acts like nothing happened. The other day my daughter got out of the car and hit her head on the door and he told me I was an fool and it was my fault that I should have been holding the door better...He was upset with me and got in the car, I was getting some items off of the floor of the car in the back and he moved the seat back and hit me in the head with the seat. These things just keep happening. Today he was upset because he was sleeping all day and my mother asked if she can take my daughter away just overnight and my daughter really wanted to go. I said ok and when he woke up I told him about it. He started throwing things and when I asked what his problem was he started screaming at me telling me that I am trying to keep my daughter from him. He got in my face again and cornered me again. He has raised his hand like he is going to hit me and doesn't and he scares me. I am so scared that it is going to get worse and that one day he will hit me, or worse that he will kill me. He is very good to my daughter but she has seen him in action and hates how he treats me. He has never raised a hand to her but she fears him for what she sees him do to me. I am at a point where I support him financially we don't live together but he has no source of income at all so I pay for everything. I dont know how to get out of this now and I am so miserable, scared and unhappy. I have gained weight and am financially and emotionally drained.

I dont know what to do, I just want to wake up and for it all to be gone or to wake up and it all be a horrible dream that I ever even got back with him.