I believe I am Bipolar but I have not been
diagnosed yet. I have been dealing with
this for about 10 years now with no
medication or therapy. I am 21 now, and
I've lately been thinking about seeing a
psychiatrist. I have way ups and way downs
and my behavior can be quite erratic at
times, but quite depressing and hopeless
at other times. I sometimes feel like I
can't function when I am at a far low. At
those times, I don't care about anyone or
anything, I am just simply 'there'. It
seemed to really start when I was 11 and
my best friend died. I had never felt so
much pain and hopelessness before that. I
have also quit jobs because I was too
depressed and obsessed with drugs and
alcohol. I have abandoned a lot of my
friends and family. I am very distant with
most people, most of the time. I sometimes
just simply don't care. I can't seem to
hold on to friends, because later on I
start to neglect them for no reason
really, except that I like to keep to
myself a lot. They don't understand why I
am the way I am.
It has been terrible living with this
all these years. I have been with my
current girlfriend for about a year now.
She is my first girlfriend and I am trying
desperately not to screw this up. Just
sometimes, I get very irritated with her,
and I will just sit there very quietly on
the phone and don't say much, until she
let's me go. Also, I like seeing her
sometimes, but other times I'm just very
cold towards her and don't want to kiss or
do anything with her. I feel so terrible
for this because I don't mean to do it. I
don't want to do it, but I still do. I
know that I love her and that my life
would be completely messed up without her.
I am also concerned, because I am pretty
sure she is also bipolar which could make
this relationship quite destructive. She's
told me that she thinks she is, and a lot
of her experiences seem to add up to my
own. I mean, there's a 75% chance that our
kids will have it as well, and that is
very disheartening to me. I just don't
know. I love her, but at the same time, I
want to break from her so I don't make
things worse for her.
I am off alcohol, but I still smoke
marijuana, and I know that it's generally
considered bad for people with bpd, but I
just can't stop doing it. I hide it from
my girlfriend and my family because they
would probably flip out if they knew. I
want to stop, but if I do, I know I'll
just move on to something else. On the
other hand, the marijuana makes me happier
and generally enjoy my life more. It's
almost like a break from reality, where I
can go and not be bothered by the real
world. I feel like I always have to be
addicted to some type of drug, so I can
enjoy my life more. It sucks.
I still haven't quite decided if I want
to see a psychiatrist yet. Partly because
I'm having trouble pushing myself to do it
and partly because I will have to pay for
it all with my own money. I've always had
the thought that, "no matter what, I will
have this condition for the rest of my
life, so it's pointless to waste money on
trying to fix it". I don't know. I need
direction, because I can't keep living
like this. I feel sorry for anyone that
has it. Thanks for reading. Any advice is
welcome.
|
antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 960 Location: IL
Thanks: 48
Thanked:18
Posted: 05-21-08 09:53am
You clearly want help. Good for you. It
takes courage to do the inventory on one's
life and recognize things are wrong. You
are self medicating by smoking marijuana
and drinking. This is a familiar theme
with people that suffer with one sort of
mental disorder or another. You want to
feel better and the drug helps that for a
while. Bipolar disorder is frequently
known to cause rapidly firing thoughts.
Marijuana does slow down the firing of
thoughts. It makes sense that using this
drug to medicate works for you. Marijuana,
with long term use, can lead to emphysema
and other psychological problems. While
prescription medications have side effects
that are undesirable there is one strong
argument for the use of them - they are
legal with a doctor's prescription and the
dose is carefully regulated and precise.
Street drugs are adulterated and there is
an unknown factor that surrounds the
content of the drug. You do not know for
sure what has been added to the drug that
may cause harm or be potentially lethal.
For those reasons using street drugs to
treat an underlying disorder is
potentially dangerous and may lead to
legal troubles. Treatment with a
professional is the better choice.
You speak of your social isolation. This
is, also, a common theme with those that
suffer with bipolar disorder. Mood shifts
can cause irritable moods. Some people
experience rages. These behaviors lead to
social isolation. Depression causes one to
feel unmotivated, unable to carry on with
the activities of daily life and renders
one hopeless and helpless. Getting out of
bed is a huge ordeal. These episodes are
destructive as they make going to work or
school impossible for the person. Job loss
is common in people that suffer from
chronic, untreated depression. It can be
life threatening. Suicide rates are high
in those that have a depressive disorder
or bipolar disorder and remain untreated.
You want to maintain your relationship
with your girlfriend. Treatment can help
ensure that you are able to do that.
Finding a psychologist and a psychiatrist
for treatment is optimal. Medication can
help to get the moods swings under control
and make your moods a bit more even.
Therapy can provide you with the tools to
help you cope. You can not cure or fix
bipolar disorder. All you can do is manage
the disorder. You can learn new ways to
behave with some guidance. This is a
disorder that is a life long struggle.
Until science and medicine come up with
other modalities of treatment we are stuck
with medications and therapy. The
medications can bring some level of
stability. That is worth a lot!
Yes, you are likely to pass on the genetic
predisposition for bipolar disorder to
your children. I do not have bipolar
disorder but it is in my family. My
husband is cyclothymic - mild form of
bipolar disorder and has bipolar disorder
in his family. Guess what? We have 2
children that have bipolar disorder. That
is a raw deal but we are helping our boys
to learn to live with the disorder and how
to cope with the emotional lability that
accompanies the disorder. Life can be
truly difficult for all of us but it is
manageable.
Getting treatment can bring hope to you.
You don't have to live with the constant
flux of your moods. You deserve to feel
better. I don't know if you suffer from
bipolar disorder. A psychiatrist can
evaluate you for this. It is worth a visit
to a psychiatrist to find out. Your girl
friend should seek help as well. Life
feels better when you feel better. I hope
you will continue to seek out help. It is
worth the effort and expense.
A heads up to antigone's post above. Many
people with Bipolar go undiagnosed for
many years. I was diagnosed back in 1985
through medication and blood work up. So
for me thier was no turning back. It was a
positive diagnosis and that was it.
Go have this taken care of even if it is
just to ease your own mind. I know now, I
am a different person.
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false_light
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2008 Posts: 2
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-22-08 21:12pm
Thank you very much antigone. This is the
first bit of advice I've ever gotten for
my condition, and it's good to know that
there's people out there who care. I will
seek a psychiatrist and hopefully get on
some medication. I've always been pretty
anti-therapy, but I may give that a shot
as well.
|
antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 960 Location: IL
Thanks: 48
Thanked:18
Posted: 05-23-08 01:11am
Bravo! You deserve to have a life that is
free of depression and mood swings. While
medication may bring some stability,
therapy can offer you coping skills to
help you over the rough spots. I am so
glad to hear you will get yourself some
help. Let us know how you are. If you need
some help or an open ear and heart we are
here for you.
|
CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2396
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 05-23-08 06:07am
antigone
wrote:
Bravo! You deserve to have a
life that is free of depression and mood
swings. While medication may bring some
stability, therapy can offer you coping
skills to help you over the rough spots. I
am so glad to hear you will get yourself
some help. Let us know how you are. If you
need some help or an open ear and heart we
are here for
you.
I will second this. We are here for you.
No need to sweep this disorder under the
rug when help is just a phone call away.
Bless You and keep us up-dated
|
sunn
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 May 2008 Posts: 7 Location: Vermont,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-27-08 20:20pm
Go see a psychiatrist immediatly. I was
going through a very very similar
situation (I am also 21) and finally
seeing a therapist and then a psychiatrist
has truly changed my life for the better.
Don't be afraid of trying medicine- I take
lamictal which has very few side effects
and I have never felt so wonderful in my
entire life. I am balanced and happy and
can finally socialize like a normal human
being. I also recommend finding a good
counselor- talk therapy among other kinds
of alternative therapy (meditation, yoga,
breathing techniques) can be very
beneficial. Don't waste another day
feeling unstable. It isn't worth it. You
truly can feel better- something I would
have never believed before seeing a
doctor.
