Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
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Very bad bipolar cycle
Posted: 03-06-08 07:49am
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Ugh...
I don't know wether I am coming or going
right now...
Last night I was seriously desperate...I
think that the main reason why I didn't do
something "stupid" is that I am
house-sitting for a friend and feel
responsible for their dogs...If it was
just the house it might have been a whole
different story all together...
This morning, on the way to the
biokineticist, I was on the brink of
crying...over no reason as per usual.
During the re-eval (lasting all-in-all 30
min) I was so up/down/up/down/up/down that
even my biokineticist at some point
said..."Well, the knees are going
well...so how are YOU doing?". The one
moment I was friendly and bubbly and the
next I would be somber and down.
I am usually...most prob to my
detrement...good at hiding my emotional
state. Meaning I'm allways friendly with
other people and come across as happy even
though I am crying my heart out on the
inside...But today...
Usually at work, when I have a problem
with the code, I just quetly carry on
debugging untill it's sorted. Today, I'm
being so verbally abusive towards my
computer it's just not funny. And once
again...the one moment I'm doing ok...then
I am down on the ground...then I'm egro as
hell.
I need a new prescription A.S.A.P., so my
appntment on Sat with the psychiatrist
can't come soon enough...
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puzzld
Supporter
Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 188
Location: gulf coast =), USA
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Posted: 03-06-08 10:50am
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sounds like u have rapid cycling... which
i think i might have also. ask dr. about
that. keep doing the best you can do and
remember, you are sick! you have a
disorder and it's not your fault. i've
been on the brink of 'doing something
stupid', too. i understand. my thoughts
are with you.
PM me anytime!
xoxo
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
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Posted: 03-06-08 15:00pm
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Thank you so much.
I truely appreciate the support.
The statement of "and remember, you are
sick!"...almost drives me to tears...
I think I have said this a few times on
the forums...call it verbal diareah...call
it affirmation that things COULD and
should get better...and it's a most
definate confirmation of it being an
illness...
Beforeh the orthopedic correction and
guidance with my feet and knees, it used
to be a huge effort, not to mention
physical pain, to stand and/or walk long
distances. Now that it has been
"corrected", by just merely showing me
what is "normal", and no real effort from
my side to implement the change, it is no
effort what so ever. I can stand and walk
for way longer than I used to and the only
real pain I feel is from muscle fatigue
and not chondromalatia and/or joint pain.
I feel that the same can be said for my
mental state of mind. I firmly believe
that it should not be so difficult for me
to cope with my feelings and emotions and
that I should not be feeling the way I do.
Sure, it's going to take medication, just
as I need to wear orthopedic inserts in my
shoes and go to a biokinetichs centre for
life but still.
Although these facts all make
sense...untill such time as I can get help
to be normal, my mind just simply does not
see it as reality. The help and support I
get from this forum will most definately
pull me through. My family unfortunately
does not see my problems as an
illness...they see it rather as a self
imposed weakness which is why your words
brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you...!
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 852
Location: IL
Thanks: 40
Thanked:15
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Posted: 03-06-08 17:34pm
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Seraph,
If only this disorder were not an illness
and just a lack of motivation to get it
into gear and self imposed weakness.
Weakness and lack of motivation can be
easier dealt with. Finding the right
medications and doses is the key to
feeling better. There is no hard, fast
rule to that problem. Unlike high blood
pressure or diabetes medications, the
atypical antipsychotics seem to be a bit
more fickle. What works for some people
doesn't work for others. It comes down to
trial and error.
Let your doctor know how you are feeling.
Email is a great way to update the doctor
without feeling like you may be
interrupting something. Ask if this would
be an acceptable way to communicate. Many
docs will offer an email specifically for
this purpose.
I wish I had the right words to tell you.
Living when you feel so up and down is
hellacious. Right down your moods. There
are mood charts you can get online (just
google it). They will help you put your
moods into categories and degrees of the
mood. This can be very beneficial to you
and the doctor. Give it a try. The doctor
can get a good feel for how you are doing
on a medication. It allows you to keep
track as well. All the days seem to run
together and you forget from one day to
the next. The charts can be quick and
easy.
Hang in there. If things get to bad you
can pm me. I check back often. Don't let
it get to bad before you reach out. We are
here for you. Hugs.
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
Thanked:0
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Posted: 03-06-08 19:08pm
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I've been meaning to setup a Joomla page
for my self on the web (Good point as
well...shrink can access it via the web,
haven't really registered that I would be
able to show it to her and assist in the
process ).
But untill then, I should really either
get a package online as you suggest or at
least do it in .xls format.
I know all too well how fuzzy the
medications can be...hopefully I will find
at least some form of relief with new
medication. At this point, anything is
better...
Thanks
( p.s. once again, just my state of mind,
but now I'm starting to feel guilty over
all the support from you guys. Thanks a
mill )
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 852
Location: IL
Thanks: 40
Thanked:15
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Posted: 03-08-08 02:10am
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Seraph, you are too silly! We come here to
find support and offer it. I don't get to
work anymore because my sons with bpd need
too much time. I feel like I can offer
something as a nurse to people here. I
learn tons from everyone here. It works
because you give and you get. Take all you
need. You are worth it and you deserve a
place to vent. Let us know how you are
doing!
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
Thanked:0
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Posted: 03-08-08 15:55pm
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I know...
Unfortunately unnecessary guilt is a very
real part of my problem.
I saw the Psychiatrist today and she
doubled my prescription along with giving
me anti-anxiety and sleeping pills.
Turns out...I also have a social-phobia
that I don't admit to...but seeing as it's
not "debilitating enough", my
classification is as BP 2.
The session was really hard on me as I
walked out with a major headache.
Will have to see how things goes with the
new meds.
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 852
Location: IL
Thanks: 40
Thanked:15
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Posted: 03-08-08 22:37pm
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Just curious, what are your new meds?
Count your blessings that you are BPII.
This just means your cycles are not as
severe or frequent as those experienced
with BPI. This by no means diminishes or
decreases the seriousness of your
disorder. Does this mean the doctor
doesn't think you qualify for any
disability? Don't take no for an answer.
Keep at it.
Social phobia is frequently a comorbid
diagnosis with bpd. So is anxiety. These
things all seem to interconnect and
overlap. Once you become more stable many
of these issue should improve.
Let us know how you do with the meds. and
how you are feeling. Hugs. Hope the
headache is better!
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
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Posted: 03-10-08 03:34am
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40 mg Floxitine, Urbanol & Zopiclone
I don't know what they are supposed to
do...but so far (touch wood) I am kinda
seeing a bit of improvement. It's like my
emotions don't have control over me any
more.
What they say about the Zopiclone is true
tho...constantly have this nasty metallic
after taste in my mouth...yech...but it's
worth it 
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
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Spoke too soon...
Posted: 03-10-08 04:54am
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My moods is still under control, but my
Anxiety is SKY HIGH...I keep on wanting to
hyperventilate...I am having hot
flushes...itchiness...dullness in my head
and it just seems to keep on growing.
For a moment this morning I had no Anxiety
at all and in it's absence, I realised
that I have been suffering from anxiety
CONSTANTLY! That is sooo wierd...
For about two hours I was in total bliss
thinking "Good God!...This is truely how I
should and want to feel"...but all good
things comes to an end I suppose...
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
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And another thing
Posted: 03-10-08 05:25am
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The psychologist was gob-smacked to hear I
was never placed on Ritilan as a child
o.0
ADHD???? 0.o'
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
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Made a silly booboo...yet confusing tho.
Posted: 03-10-08 10:15am
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My mood stability is dwindling...I am
supposed to take 2x Urbanol daily...but I
forgot it at home  ... pissed off at
my self for this.
The weirdness of it is tho...isn't it the
Floxitine's job to manage my mood...or do
I have it all wrong?
I felt so much better this morning and now
that I feel so bad again I just want to
cry!!
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
Thanked:0
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"Temporary" meds...definately doing it's trick...
Posted: 03-11-08 04:23am
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So last night on my way home, I felt like
total utter doggy poo-poo. Got home,
drank the pil (I am still pised of for
forgetting at home) and an hour
later...all better.
Then, this morning for abouts 2 hours
(Which is the absorption rate according to
leaflet) was feeling once again like horse
poo-poo...let alone doggy poo-poo. And
two hours later, lo-and behold...WHOOO
HOO!!
Two things that worry me tho...
1. The Anxiety remains...constant
hyperventilation/nervousness
2. The Urbanol is only supposed to be
temporary and only "As needed"...what do I
do once the prescription runs out!!
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 852
Location: IL
Thanks: 40
Thanked:15
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Posted: 03-17-08 22:34pm
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Seraph,
How are you feeling? I am sorry I missed
your posts. I hope the anxiety is
subsiding. Let us know how it's going.
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
Thanked:0
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Posted: 03-18-08 03:53am
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Doing quite ok...especially given
circumstances...
Along with everything else, I have been
diagnosed with Marfans...
I don't think it has really sunk in yet...
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 276
Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 2
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Here it comes...
Posted: 03-18-08 05:27am
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Anxiety attack in-bound...
Increased breathing, Pain in heart,
welling up of emotions...and to make
matters worste...I don't know if the chest
pain is due to the anxiety or the
possibility of mitril valve prolapse due
to increased heart rate...
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